29/09/2014 Job Offers

Remember few weeks back I was fretting over job interviews... Right now, I'm in the midst of evaluating my options and opportunities. After going for a few interviews, offers have been coming in to tell me that I have been selected. This is of course, extremely good news! However, this also meant that I need to be careful and prudent in weighing my options well before stepping into the corporate world. After all, I believe that a good head-start will definitely bring me far. I'm already looking forward to starting work and the purchasing power that comes along with it. I am starting another chapter of my life and in the midst of transiting. There bound to be changes and challenges but I'm feeling ever ready what lies ahead. :) 

27/09/2014 Sembawang Dog Park

As all dog lovers might have know... a new dog park has officially opened! It's really heartening to know the government and authorities have taken note of the need for our furry friends to have their own space to make friends and enjoy themselves. Well, all the north-ners are now able to hang out together without the need to travel far for their furry friends to enjoy. Yes, I'm talking about the newly opened SEMBAWANG PARK. 

As you can see, Teddy enjoys the DOG PARK A LOT. I think this is the first time we see her chasing other dogs. But she's still pretty reserved and lazy! After running around for 10 minutes and exploring 1/10 of the dog park... she would rest under the bench for the rest of the time and oblivious to all the things happening around her. It's pretty wonderful that Teddy gets to meet a chow-spitz. Hopefully, we get to meet more chow chows to see Teddy's reaction. :) 

Do take note the dog park closes at night! So be sure to bring your furry friends around morning to evening. It's sad that they didn't build any water facilities in the dog park... Hopefully they would enhance the place and build more benches and dog obstacles for both owners and dogs. The park is about 2,700sqm! Unlike Bishan Dog Park, sembawang only has one area for all dogs to run around. 
Other than that, I also wished to see more dog cafes opening to make the place more vibrant and dog-friendly.

Teddy says bye!!!

26/03/2014 F for ...

I wonder what friends mean. 

From the internet,

a. a person with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically one exclusive of sexual or family relations.

I kind of forgotten how it feels like to have a good friend to understand you inside out. People come and go. That's true. But certain people just lives in your memory without leaving an inch. Maybe I'm too emotional. I do miss someone a lot as a friend. As I grow up, it's really sad to accept people leaving and how our life paths are going in divergence. It's getting further and further, I can't seemed to find anything common between us anymore. I don't know what to say. 

26/09/2014 Better Days to Come

Few weeks back, I was fretting about getting a job and not hearing from any organizations. Yet, right now... I am worrying about going for interviews. How interesting life works? Things happen exactly when you least expects it. I'm really thankful because I signed up with an agency accidentally and my job agent was able to link me up with different organizations immediately. I am working in the healthcare sector, thus I would definitely recommend any one who is looking for a job and finds it hard to really sign up with an agency. I'm unsure about if other jobs are that straightforward. I find that it is much easier, fuss-free and convenient to connect with an agent. My agent was extremely friendly and approachable. It also depends partially on your qualification and match with the job you applied for. For the next few weeks, I would be going for more interviews. Fingers crossed that I would do well and live a good impression with the HR and department head. :)

Beautiful piece of art piece I saw at Ion. Really loved it... but I have no idea why. Probably because the empty portion represents how I feel right now. Somehow... I always felt that some part of my life is missing and I'm holding on to a luggage in search of those pieces to fill up. It may be spiritual, it may be love... but I'm unsure. Life just feels incomplete. Actually, that's life. Maybe we would always be in search of something that cannot be found. 

Another beautiful art piece I saw at NUH. I just find this eco-green idea and architect blending well into the building. I loved how it made the place feels relaxed and calming. A place where you can ponder about life.

Set lunch from Ma Maison.

 I really enjoy the serenity of being able to break away from the busy hours of life and just tucked myself into this cozy cafe. I also loved the interior design of Ma Maison. It makes me feel as if I'm in a countryside cafe. I've learnt to appreciate small things in between life as it comes along. 

11/09/2014 Truth once in awhile...

Once in awhile,  I get really affected when I know of the truth and how my perceptions clashes with it. This is definitely not the first time, and am still highly affected emotionally. I dislike myself being like this. I want to bring myself out of this emotional state but I couldn't. I wished I could speak to someone who understands how I feel but I can't. I wished I could do something about it but I can't. I wished I could stop it but I can't. I feel so helpless cause it's out of my control to how other people do things especially people you love. I hate all these things but I can't do anything about it. I can only hide. You are not the same person I know anymore. I can't remember who you are to me?

15/08/2014 Last Minute Of Judgement

3 week of my unofficial graduate have passed. I am officially getting bored, bored, bored. I've never really told anyone what I have in mind yet. Actually, I am confused myself. On one hand, I have to work because I have to pay my school loans. On the other side, I just am unsure of what I want in life. This is probably the result of our education in Singapore and what many other faces right after they graduate. I am not saying the majority of Singaporeans are like me, but I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels this way. My parents/My school/My blah blah blah used to say I have to get a degree, graduate, get a good job/life. The outcome of this... staying stuck and unhappy for the rest of your life. Many don't really question what makes them happy and passionate. I am feeling so frustrated because after 18 years of education, I have no idea what I have learnt or want in life. I am left feeling lost, like what's next? The real fact is that I have been letting others direct my life. I have never experienced anything that truly ignite a sparks or passion in my life (social work, maybe once or twice?) 

Then again, it doesn't mean I have no dream or aspiration. It happens that they are really fleeting and I truly question if I love any of them. By writing down, I hope I narrow down what I really want and be. 

When I was 5, I wanted to be a SINGER. 

When I was 6, I wanted to be a TEACHER.

When I was 9, I wanted to be a FASHION DESIGNER.

When I was 12, I wanted to be an ARTIST.

When I was 16, I wanted to be a KOREAN IDOL. 

When I was 16, I wanted to be a CHILDCARE TEACHER.

When I was 17-20, I felt really lost. 

When I was 21, I wanted to be a SOCIAL WORKER. 

When I was 22, I wanted to be a whatever-job-position-that-makes-me-rich.

When I was 5, I wanted to be a SINGER.

- Whenever I sing, the glass breaks. 

When I was 6, I wanted to be a TEACHER.

- I really enjoyed role-playing as a teacher and tuition my siblings. Probably because I'm the oldest and smarter. 

When I was 9, I wanted to be a FASHION DESIGNER.

- I love drawing. I started playing with those paper cut barbie dolls when you can change their outfits. I would have a sketchbook and draw all my dresses design in it. Wished I kept them though. :'( They were lost in the shop. Truth is, I told my parents I wanted to be a designer, but they told me to be realistic and become doctor/lawyer... . Designer doesn't get you far.

When I was 13, I wanted to be an ARTIST.

- I scored pretty well in ART. Yes, art don't get you far and nobody appreciates what you draw unless you're smart. 

When I was 15, I wanted to be a INTERIOR DESIGNER. 

- I was super fascinated by the beautiful homes you see overseas. I would read books and magazines about home, played online games to design your own room. I would draw and study home plan. 

I stopped telling anyone about my dreams because people shoot down whatever you say. I've learnt the hard truth, even the people closest to you. They are not supportive. It's a lie when they say your parents support whatever you do. I dare to bet that my parents would not support my education if I were to study in NAFA. 

When I was 16, I wanted to be a KOREAN IDOL. 

- Yes, I was obsessed with K-WAVE. Speak about TVXQ. I am a hard-core KPOP FAN. 

When I was 16, I wanted to be a CHILDCARE TEACHER.

- Wow, little did I know I had to make a decision soon. My O Level result weren't that bad, it could bring me quite a lot of place. I told my parents I wanted to study childcare at Ngee Ann Polytechnic but they told me to try studying at JC. So I did. Unfortunately, I got into Nanyang Junior College. Rest is history. 

When I was 17-20, I felt really lost. 

- During my JC years were the darkest period of my life, I didn't know what I was doing and all the time I was unhappy. I was crying almost every night, regretting my decision each and everyday. I still remember vividly the first day I came back from JC crying, telling my parents I want to quit. There were times during my JC years when I woke up from my sleep in tears, not remembering what I was doing for that two years. I wanted that memory to disappear so much. I really didn't want to acknowledge this part of my life. Maybe the pain was too unbearable. 

When I was 21, I wanted to be a SOCIAL WORKER. 

- After I entered church, met many nice cell leaders who inspire me especially one particular leader. To be honest, I have chosen social worker because I failed to meet the criteria for my psychology exposure module. As simple as that, doors were shutting because I ain't smart enough to qualify. It wasn't that bad. I enjoyed social work modules and looked forward to each and every one of them because they teach me a lot whether it's the professor, clients, fieldtrips, projects and etc... . Through social work, I have also met lots of wonderful friends who are so inspiring and lovely. 

When I was 22, I wanted to be a whatever-job-position-that-makes-me-rich.

- After graduated, I really have no idea what I want do. As much as I want to be become a social worker, which is obviously, the most ideal path... many factors are holding me back.

13/08/2014 12.14 P.M

How do I even start? So many things happened within a short span of half a year. I got so busy that I didn't have time to sit down and ponder about my next stage of life. You can say this is a major transition. I have officially graduated. And there's just so many thoughts filled in my mind. I feel so choked up with my own thoughts and emotions... . I wished I could escape from it but where can I go? Where do I even start? This abyss of darkness filled with my own emotions. I feel like I cannot climb out of it. Just two days after I handed up my portfolio, I actually wanted to cry because I am just so loss at what to do. Putting up my resume, sending them, going for interviews and etc... I just have no idea how to do all these are going to work out.

Have I given up on church? What does church comprises of? God, Faith? When I said I have given up, I have no concrete answer to what I have exactly given up? Is it my faith? My attendance? God? Because I have dedicated my whole youth into church and believing in everything spoken to my mind. I have now immensely struggled daily about my current perceptions and always questioning who I am, how I feel. It is difficult becoming a non-christian again. Imagine the embarrassment I have to go through when I see ex-church friends, cell group and people? Or maybe they don't bother about me either. Every day is a struggle about my own faith and perceptions of who I really am to how I want to set my boundaries to be. For example, being rich. Yes, I know I cannot serve two masters. God. or. Money. I know there are many exceptions and theories such as you still can have money but enough? Or God doesn't ask for you to be left with nothing because he provides. #Fliptomatthew Next, LGBT communties. Initially it was such a great struggle confronting this whole issue? I felt like the whole time I was being brainwashed to hold such an extreme stand. Now that I'm no longer a Christian, I'm starting to have such double standards and I hated myself. All the time, I kept thinking I was sinning and once I am accepting of them, I have committed a heinous crime. But yet again, I remind myself I am not. Now that I am seeing a lot of things in a new light and perspective, I am gaining a lot yet also losing.

Even throughout my whole span of Christian living, I have questioned my own purpose of existence. Still, no amount of prayers, bible-reading, seeking of God, fellowship could solve this mystery in me. This growing abyss of soul-searching has gone so much deeper. Nothing could fill it up. It dawned on me how people around the world can actually live without knowing what their purpose is?

06/07/2014 July Eats.

 After 'working', it seemed that life after work becomes essential and an utmost importance to keep one from burning out. Despite being an extreme financially poor student, how can one resist the need to self-care through all these sumptuous, delicious food that keeps one stomach/heart warm. All these comfort food... Guess I have to work my ass/body off to earn back all these money. Now I understand the importance of work-life balance. Working 8/9 hours a day and keeping to a mundane sleep schedule has made me realized how little time working adults have with family, friends and etc... the nature of work with hectic schedules of facing clients/patients is indeed draining both mentally and physically. Truth is that, when you reach home, you are left with 2 hours of alone time (aka Korean Soapy Drama Time) and then you're off to dreamland. This goes on for about 5 days. Even Friday are not spared because till then, you're probably so exhausted that all you really want is to pay that 15 hours sleep debt you owe. Having said all these, it made me appreciate and more initiative to take time to meet people around me who are important (includes Teddy). Despite being all tired and I am probably not paying attention to what people are saying, their presence makes a difference for me to rant about my workload and how work life is such a joy-killer. Then again, since I am an intern who is working my ass off to get my degree and fulfill the requirements which allow me to earn a very meager income of $2800? (Damn poor thing) Whatever I have described may not be a true reflection in work life since I am not financially paid and I have so much extra works to do during weekends.

I am talking too much, let pictures do the rest.

21/06/2014 How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

How do we go about this? There are countless, boring posts I have posted about the meaning of life and how I'm on a constant search about all these meaningless pursuit of understanding my own existence on this earth. When people lost that essence of why they are living and what they are living for... death is seemingly a most rationale choice. When I die, I leave behind nothing but broken hearts for people around me (probably my parents). I have no idea why I am here. I feel so empty. I feel that I am just a good-for-nothing. People can tell you everything... but they cannot make you change how you feel about yourself. Many times I have been challenged, I wished I was stronger, I wished I was more courageous. I wished I could overcome all these negativity. Am I really that bad? Self-doubt and criticisms are the worst enemy of hope. They kills. Even shopping become boring for me. Growing to become so old and understanding the dark side of life and questioning my self, my faith. It's like the world keep tumbling down. Do I even have anything, a small tiny seed of hope for me to believe in? Sometimes, I'm not afraid of dying. It feels like no hope to live in nor do I see myself long enough on this earth to so many sufferings, countless of heartbreaks. Used to believe maybe I can even have hope of finding a good husband and someone to lean in... each day... my hope is fading away and maybe I could just leave without finding someone that finds me worthy. I think I have lived long enough to know this life is terrible... Maybe I could just leave without working.

01/06/2014 JUNE.XX

Hello, June! It's amazing how time flies and I'm 3 weeks into my internship. I have been experiencing so much, both in my personal life and work life. It is hard to balance between both but I am learning. Time management is still an issue, but I acknowledge that I am still trying and not giving up. Recently, I got a chance to talk to one of my colleague who challenged me and sorta counselled me in my personal life. I am still trying to make sense of everything in my life, especially given that I have to make a choice in a few weeks time. It scares me sometimes to accept that I am probably gonna be in another phase of my life and I am certainly not psychologically prepared. What I've gotten through is I have commitment issue and I am afraid of the future. For some inner psychological reason, I do agree to some extent that these are one of my fears. Life is all about "waddling through murky water". I keep looking back at all the times where things are safe and comfortable. I can't seemed to live in the present.

01/06/2014 Hello June/Habitat Cafe

Habitat Cafe

It's June and off to a good start... even though it gives me jitters knowing there's work tomorrow. Finally tried Habitat Cafe after it has been around for so long! Ordered the truffle fries which was crispy and tasty. The portion was generous and pretty worth it ($8)! Their Eggs Tomato Relish ($15) is fulfilling. The texture of the rummy eggs mixed with the goodness of tomatoes, baby spinach and bacon was a perfect match! Bread were also toasted to perfect crisp. I felt it was better to share this with friends since you'll feel a little full towards the third bread. Next, we ordered the cappuccino ($4.90) and chocolate ($4.90). The coffee art is pretty impressive. :) The overall ambiance was great and perfect to chill whether weekday or weekends. Furthermore, there is no GST or service charge which is a great news! I would say the standard and quality of food is justifiable for its price.  

P.S: I am not a food blogger. Just sharing what I've eaten.

18/05/2014 Thankful

Week and months have passed.. Looking back, I guess 'Thankful' is the right word. Despite not going back for so long, it does feel like I haven't left. It feels so homely yet strange simultaneously. The only thing I could do now might be to trust that there's a pathway out of my own feelings and not cause a nuisance to everyone. Maybe I'm thinking too much. 

11/05/2014 Last Day to Freedom/One Less Day to Worry about Real Job

Official days of freedom are over. I have watched a movie, ticked. Shopping, ticked. More shopping ticked. Ramen cravings, ticked.

For the next 10 weeks, I'm going to commit myself fully to internship. For the previous placement, I did not perform well. Didn't really know what to expect as an intern. Let the past be past. Sometimes, I wonder about... things I do, things I said. Have you thought so too? Doing stupid mistakes, asking gravely deadly questions. I have been living my life according to what I want, how I want and that's probably the biggest mistake. I understood and came to terms that life is about sucking up to people around you. Being humble, acknowledging you are nothing. Of course, that's not just being a suck up and good-for-nothing. Got to have brains and ideas too. I hate it a lot when my ideas are being shot down... But just go to suck it down and stick to rules. That's probably because I'm also partly selfish, putting my own interests before others. 

This placement, I'm gonna do fine right? I WANT/WOULD/DEFINITELY DO WELL. I'm gonna learn from my past mistakes and correct them. I would improve my EQ by observing others. I would be more passionate and proactive. I would learn to control my expression. I would be more friendly. I would not let my insecurities take over me. Prioritize and Efficient. 

There's so many things on my mind affecting me that I feel like I can't be happy. What happened to me? I used to be able to bury all my unhappiness so perfectly, now I'm all guilty and I hate myself. Maybe I don't even know what happened? I'm sick and tired of myself being like this honestly. I hate how all this damn circumstances, people reacting and how they are affecting me. I'm pissed off. I'm going to learn to chuck this aside, and concentrate on just being me, myself. 

26/04/2014 ... 寻找ing

Soon... I'll be graduating. I'm getting mixed feelings about it. Every decision come with a price and consequence. And I guess, I'll have to swallow that. It feels kind of empty deep down without going church. Honestly, I've already forgotten why I stopped going. Probably is that guilt, sins, inadequacy that stops me from doing so. I guess shit happens. Honestly, it feels kind of sucks that things ain't doing well for me... like all along. I wonder about my presence. Maybe if I put in a lil' more faith in myself and had more confidence about what I am doing. I'm at a cross road... Should I go back or should I find a new church? This would meant starting all over again and having to get used to a whole load of things. Going back would meant that I would have to explain for all my actions, and things would probably never be the same again. What would people think of me?... I'm just being myself and this needs to change. Not the first time I'm leaving. Such a bad habit. It's as equally as uncertain. I should probably start praying and ask God for directions. Felt as though I'm abandoned.

06/04/2014 人生的起起落落

应该是最后一次的难过，失望。在这一切一切的发生...我开始接受自己...并不是找到自己而是发掘内心的脆弱。要在每一次失败中，找到自己。每一次的过错，饶恕，原谅自己。看到自己的内心...对自己更好。我战胜不过自己的软弱，讨厌这样的自己。曾经那么相信自己，那么想要证明自己，我不明白现在我活着的意义... 也许当一个人找不到活着的理由...人生变的毫无目的...感觉消失也许也不错！

15/03/2014 So used to it...

How funny that blogging has become such a daily routine? Probably because I have no one to talk to except a virtual computer. How pathetic isn't it? Yesterday, I actually cried while doing work. Thoughts of myself being lonely and all just flooded in. Would anyone even be sad if I were to die? Sadly, there doesn't seemed to be a great way to die peacefully. It's normal to think of dying right? It has been really long since I last had such thoughts. I have no idea why it's resurfacing again. Every single time when I feel like dying, I try to single out my thoughts and think of the beautiful future I may have. That little hope. It's soon dying out. It's really sad how I look back into my life and realizes that nobody loves me. May be it's true about existentialism. We are born alone and die alone.

15/03/2014 ... emptiness

I've never felt so pressurized in my entire life. All the things that are directing at me. I just can't ignore. I really wished I didn't exist. Maybe I could just die. Never ever felt so helpless, unhappy. God, why did you send all these? Everything happens for a reason? This is POINTLESS. You're just making me feel a million times worst. Nothing can bring me back to where I was before. Things that have been done cannot be undone. I really wanna kill myself and make you feel guilty. Can I swallow some pills and never wake up? There are no tears left. I can't even bring myself to cry. I can't even talk to anyone. I don't trust anyone. Just wanna be alone. I feel so damn useless. This life is pointless. I can't help myself. I can't anyone. Just a fucking failure in life. Nothing's worst than all these happenings. I can't detach myself from all these emotions and thoughts. Why did you send me here? Why did you want me to go through all these? I fucking detest myself. It won't happened if I didn't... damn regret for all the decisions that I have made. If I were to have a power, it would be to make people disappear and listen to my orders. Then I can create my utopia world. Why can't I be like others? Why do you wanna make people suffer? Why? Why? Why? I can't feel my soul anymore. I'm just a living dead.

11/03/2014

一切的麻木與空白占据了心，
无法痊愈的伤疤不停的裂开，
心里不断涌现自己的脆弱
没有人看见，没有人知道
不停的走，不停的徘徊
似乎没有人发现那女孩
在流泪，在心碎
也许是雨水，
停止的时间，
却停止不了，
永恒的快乐。

身旁的人事物都将在有一天消失，
我为何留恋心中种种的酸甜苦辣，
即时知道我也会像雾一样，
消失在手指尖的那么一天，
却也抵不过对自己的猜疑。

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

為什麼要給我一顆跳動的心臟 卻忘了給我 飛翔的翅膀？
為什麼要給我一顆跳動的心臟 又把我　丟在這寂寞戰場

這世界有多大我就有多徬徨
有沒有一點希望　讓我去闖　天涯海角　讓我去闖

-闖，五月天

09/03/2014 Let me live under water

Under the seas, troubles dissolve. 

They cannot breathe.

I can only listen to my own heartbeat.

Feelings can be nullified.

I really am clueless when I can bring myself out of all these troubles. I have no idea why I am causing myself so much so much unnecessary pain. WHY? I could not live on pretending to be something I am not. Less than others? All these hidden painful feelings couldn't get more bottled up. How do I even tell? I'm lost. Can we turn back time?

05/03/2014 Between Hope & Darkness

Many things happened recently... just too many to be mentioned. Sometimes, I wished I have the power to change and turn things around. I may have some... but certain things are beyond my circumstances. This morning, I was feeling really terrible. It felt so painful inside that I hoped a train would just hit me and let me die. Even though I know I shouldn't be thinking of things like that... My thoughts started to run wild & thought of ways to just end my life. How do people find love in such broken places? How do we even fall in love and be happen when all around us are just examples of failures and broken pieces? Through all these... I realized how lonely and helpless I can be. Even friends can't help you feel better. Nobody does anyway. I really hoped I would not be affected by everything around me but no. This is probably why I have been secretly wishing I had a family soon and get out of every trouble I face. Once I have my own family, I can fill it with love. I will make sure I don't make the same mistakes. I will try my best to be a perfect mum, a loving parent to my children, a great teacher, a reliable and trustworthy friend. I am really envy of young families. Seeing how uncertain things are right now, really wished I could just get out and skip to the part where I get married and happily ever after...! Just the thought of being in a family keeps me alive & hoping... believing that I can also experience the happiness of being loved and contentment.

http://simply-divine-creation.tumblr.com/post/78520869550/stories-by-ash

03/03/2014 Jai Guru Deva Om

I could listen to you all day long...
Sad song piercing through broken heart.
What's inside you will never change.

Seek & Stumble.
Still you find yourself.
Same exact
Spot.

#unrelated #ootd

10/02/2013 NY.

Struggling here at week 5... Thankfully I'm recovering from my sickness. Whenever I'm sick, I'm constantly being reminded that I'm vulnerable, but I love myself even more because this is the only time I can actually show this part of me. The rest of the time... I'm just pretending to be strong. It's the only time I deserved to be pampered, to lie in bed and do nothing the whole day, to expect people to give in to me, to eat my favourite food. When I'm sick, my brain would wander off to good times... I actually love being sick. I would spend my time reminiscing good o' times like free times during JC where I spent time with my loved ones, when my mother was still not working and would spend time with us in the afternoon or when I would explore new places with my best friend. How precious. Times where I really felt no burden and I could taste what real freedom and happiness is. 

Truly tasted Freedom & Happiness at Krabi. 

23/01/2014 #throwback to Day 1

I hate to say this is my last semester. On Thursday, I came to school early to print my notes. I loved how slightly empty the school is. It felt like I'm Cha Eun Sang who came to school early to avoid crowds and enjoy the calmness and stillness. As I was sitting at a window seat near A bus, I can't help but be engrossed in the "It's my final year... " kind of feeling. How did that happen? I remembered Day 1 of school, my first lesson was theater studies in LT 13. I was wearing a red plaid shirt paired with white shorts with sneakers. Must give off the school girl vibe... young and fresh... clueless and bump into someone cute, get together, get married. Ok, none of this happened. Fast forward, now I'm year 3! Time really flies. I felt like I've shortchanged myself in school. I didn't know so many things were happening around me.


 I'm a tiny shellfish in this entire ocean, refusing to move an inch to explore. When I realized all the shellfishes beside me have left, I felt so lonely and stupid. I have nowhere to go. 

13/01/2014 Hello, New Semester!

I hate to say this... but Hello to a new hell semester. I am having mixed feelings since it will be my last semester. I can't do honors because my CAP didn't make it good enough for the school to spend another year of money and effort on student like me. Some things... even money can't buy. Looking back, my time in NUS is so fast. I've always felt like I have shortchanged myself. There are so many activities, so many opportunities and I'm just lazing my ass off. Sometimes, I feel like a nuisance and I don't belong to school. #Wow, 3 years of education to make myself feel lousier than ever. #ThankyouNUS Maybe, I'm not meant for academics. This society is always unfair. No matter how hard I try, I always feel like shit... I wonder if there's any one who feels the same as me. Whatever, it is.

“Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift of God, which is why we call it the present.” 

― Bil Keane 

“We are products of our past, but we don't have to be prisoners of it.” 

― Rick Warren, The Purpose Driven Life: What on Earth Am I Here for?

Well, I love how Rick Warren describes about our past. Currently, I am reading Man's Search For Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl. I enjoyed the foreword by Harold S. Kushner. 

He described how a man was faced with his emotional turmoil when the Nazi threw all his credentials and degree into the dustbin, and told him that he has nothing left. It hit me so hard. I begin imagining one day… I am in front of God. And He just chucked aside everything I worked my life for into maybe thin air? They can vanish and dissolve into little particles with a touch of God's fingertips. Everything I worked for would be NOTHING. Then, I realized how vulnerable I was. Who am I to think I am worthy just because I had a degree. Anyone else can have the same degree. Someone can come in and destroy what I had. Probably the government starts to set a law that an arts degree is nothing compared to a lawyer degree or considered unworthy in this society. After all, humans are the ones who set the rules and determine our morals. We are the evil ones who invent all the good and bad stuff. War wouldn’t exist if it weren’t for the greed of human. Is there anything not created by humans? Religion? Language? What really matters in the end?

I remember how I was so inspired by Candy Chang and her Before I Die project. I kept remembering her words which help me to set my paths right. She said that “Thinking about death helps her to see things clearer.” I keep that dearly to me. Whenever you know that you might die the very next day, month, year… you might want to hold back your arguments and instead tell your loved ones how much you meant to them.

Probably, your degree doesn’t even mean much. You are not more than nor less than anyone else. We are equal. 

08/01/2013 Poulet!

The day Sinta flew to Hong Kong for her exchange! We gonna miss you! I don't know why but we kept meeting up as if we are not gonna see her for a year but it's only 5 months! And I have plans to fly to meet Sinta at Hong Kong (provided if I earn enough). Everyone is going for exchange and I'm here in Singapore. *sigh* Anyway, I also have plans for myself but I don't even know if I am crazy or brave enough to do so. I wished someone supported me all this while. Cheers and Take care @sintayo. :D

01/01/2014 And a New Year begins...

Looking back at all my old blog posts, I felt very regretful for not blogging as often as I should. Whenever I read back all the old posts, I start to remember all the experiences I had, whether happy or disappointing. I knew these are all the small little things that make me who I am today. This year, maybe I will start posting nicer photos whenever I go out. I will start posting happier moments instead of ranting about my regrets about my life. I've read somewhere that when you start posting all your bitterness on your blog... 10 years from now... You'll look back and only realized how miserable your life was. Ahh... Definitely NOOO.

2013 is full of ups an downs. As cheesy as it may sound... It's true. However, 2013 feels more like a downhill ride by the bicycle where I fall with all the scars and bruises. I'm very hurt by 2013. I cannot remember a time I felt truly happy. Maybe my 21st Birthday. Even then, I was troubled by a lot of things. My results were terrible. I was struggling with my own faith. No matter how hard I tried, life wasn't going smooth. There were a lot of disappointments. People I thought would stood by me didn't had time to. I had so many problems that I didn't know who to tell. Honestly, till the end, it doesn't really matter. People all have their own lives and why would someone even bother about others. Life is this short. Probably, it's me. I'm just disappointed by what's happening around me. 

The start of 2014. It was a bad one. I cried. Not because my crush didn't like me back. I'm #foreversingle. Something happened and it shook me a lot. This was not something new, but I just manage to compartmentalize this piece of bad news into somewhere, so it wouldn't affect my exams and all. Now that it has come back to haunt me, I had nowhere to hide anymore.  My emotions never felt more raw than before. I felt betrayed, lost, angry, and disappointed. There's no way to justify any actions being done and the hurt being inflicted upon me. I really tried my best to hide, to throw it at the back of my mind... but the feelings kept coming back. I cannot look at the same person in the same way again. She is important to me but forgiveness is hard. As my leader has mentioned, it is not my fault. I cannot help but feel really shaken and disappointed by what has happened. Has I lose faith in love? No. Now that I know of the pitfalls of a marriage and how easy temptations can just slip in and caught us off guard. In the bible, 1 Peter 5:8,  Keep your mind clear, and be alert. Your opponent the devil is prowling around like a roaring lion as he looks for someone to devour. 

After this incident, I've decided to pray earnestly to seek the Lord for answers. Despite me being a really unfaithful Christian, God never fails to bring me back each time. He is indeed faithful, the same today, yesterday and forever! I really Thank Him for showing me and am still praying for healing and asking for forgiveness for what has happened. 

No matter how life may be, I want to believe my 2014 will be wonderful.