13/08/2014 12.14 P.M

How do I even start? So many things happened within a short span of half a year. I got so busy that I didn't have time to sit down and ponder about my next stage of life. You can say this is a major transition. I have officially graduated. And there's just so many thoughts filled in my mind. I feel so choked up with my own thoughts and emotions... . I wished I could escape from it but where can I go? Where do I even start? This abyss of darkness filled with my own emotions. I feel like I cannot climb out of it. Just two days after I handed up my portfolio, I actually wanted to cry because I am just so loss at what to do. Putting up my resume, sending them, going for interviews and etc... I just have no idea how to do all these are going to work out.

Have I given up on church? What does church comprises of? God, Faith? When I said I have given up, I have no concrete answer to what I have exactly given up? Is it my faith? My attendance? God? Because I have dedicated my whole youth into church and believing in everything spoken to my mind. I have now immensely struggled daily about my current perceptions and always questioning who I am, how I feel. It is difficult becoming a non-christian again. Imagine the embarrassment I have to go through when I see ex-church friends, cell group and people? Or maybe they don't bother about me either. Every day is a struggle about my own faith and perceptions of who I really am to how I want to set my boundaries to be. For example, being rich. Yes, I know I cannot serve two masters. God. or. Money. I know there are many exceptions and theories such as you still can have money but enough? Or God doesn't ask for you to be left with nothing because he provides. #Fliptomatthew Next, LGBT communties. Initially it was such a great struggle confronting this whole issue? I felt like the whole time I was being brainwashed to hold such an extreme stand. Now that I'm no longer a Christian, I'm starting to have such double standards and I hated myself. All the time, I kept thinking I was sinning and once I am accepting of them, I have committed a heinous crime. But yet again, I remind myself I am not. Now that I am seeing a lot of things in a new light and perspective, I am gaining a lot yet also losing.

Even throughout my whole span of Christian living, I have questioned my own purpose of existence. Still, no amount of prayers, bible-reading, seeking of God, fellowship could solve this mystery in me. This growing abyss of soul-searching has gone so much deeper. Nothing could fill it up. It dawned on me how people around the world can actually live without knowing what their purpose is?