23/12/2012 What A Sad Christmas!

Feeling so sad for this season of love. I know we are supposed to feel love & all but I just feel so sulky & crap. It's like don't know... Prolonged problem or what and nobody can solve this shit. All you did was just sit there and pretend nothing happened. I'm speechless. Really nothing that can do to help me feel better. All I wanna do is lie down and let all these troubles vanish into thin air. I really hope they do. Oh God... Why why you let your cell group become like this? Why did you change us all away. Just don't even feel family at all. This is crap. I'm so so disappointed in all these plans of yours. It doesn't even make us feel better... No I don't think we grew wiser. Just more broken than ever. Can't even find a support.

22/12/2012 No Pretense

I don't know why I'm so stressed up over all these. I feel like I'm gonna break down over such a small lil stuff. I could just walk away & pretend nothing happened but precisely, something happened.

Am I the only one who hates hates hates camp? Not trying to be bad or what but the high amount of getting-to-know-you part is too much for me to take it. I hate repeating mundane crap like oh yeah I like this and I hate that and blah blah blah. I know all these requires time & all but it's simply too tiring.

I'm starting to feel worn out & left out from church. It seemed so lonely & I just don't feel any community love at all. This Xmas is just really I feel it's all empty. No joy, no peace, no love.

I'm suppose to love but I cannot. It been so long... And I feel like I can't be remembered. There wasn't even a time when I felt truly happy being with people except a few special ones.

I don't like forcing myself to be happy when I'm not. I don't even know why because I'm not usually like that. And I hate how everyone got this wrong impression of me. Tried tried to mix in but to me it's just so hard to fulfill. Am I trying hard to be liked by people? Is even remembering my name that hard? Not asking for more but it's really sad. Me myself trying my best but it don't succeed.

Don't even know why I'm bothered over this. Headache. 1.43 AM.

04/12/2012 Maybe I Need A New Light.

I can't even fare well in what I love. I can't even tell anyone how I feel. I can't even understand myself. Nobody knows/Nobody cares. We are all in love with ourselves. Too obsessed to care how other feels.

02/12/2012 We Accept The Love We Think We Deserve

这几天，我都好容易感动。读到感人的诗句就哭，听到一首好听的歌就哭，看电视看到感人的画面就哭，看着日出我也好像哭。不知道什么时候开始这样，我的感情开始细腻。许多小事都仿佛让我热泪盈眶。也是生活上已经没有什么好后悔，好留念，好挂念。。。 如果也已经没有如果。 洒脱的过着想要的生活也许才算是真正的活着。留下来的后悔只会像承重的枷锁拖着自己的脚步，住址我们往更好的方向前进。

我承认自己好难过，好痛恨自己，有时也不明白自己为何会做出这些事情让自己如此难过伤心。我明知后果还自负，让自己更加痛恨自己，告诉我自己我没有能力做到。也许我在挖掘自己的坟墓，想寻找自己所拥有的一片天堂却不断地往地里自我残废。我自认掉进自己的深渊，自甘堕落。我已经没有足够的能力再去满足你们的要求，满足想要被爱的渴望，已经无法说服自己所做的都是为了什么。我想起增经的努力，那么讨好你们，得到的却是如此的对待。只可求那么一份小小的温柔，一句问候，一句鼓励的话，就要求那么多一点点，难道有那么难吗？从前的我活在你们的背影，凡是都顺着你们的意见，直到活到这把年纪才发现自己都活在阴影下，久久无法走出。现在的一切都绕着一个人转动。我在你们的眼力还重要吗？我好像永远长不大，有时，我真希望自己想五岁的小女孩，抱着自己喜爱的娃娃，累了还有你们的呵护与关怀，不需要为自己的未来或生活担心。


[ 有人说孩子就像放风筝一样，放得再远，父母还是握紧手中的线。但是没有人想到风筝如果太早放得太远，它会在乌云里哭泣，在风里挣扎，害怕雷电声。如果风筝放得太远连自己都看不到，那么放风筝的人已经失去其中的意义。]    
-罗淑婷