23/01/2014 #throwback to Day 1

I hate to say this is my last semester. On Thursday, I came to school early to print my notes. I loved how slightly empty the school is. It felt like I'm Cha Eun Sang who came to school early to avoid crowds and enjoy the calmness and stillness. As I was sitting at a window seat near A bus, I can't help but be engrossed in the "It's my final year... " kind of feeling. How did that happen? I remembered Day 1 of school, my first lesson was theater studies in LT 13. I was wearing a red plaid shirt paired with white shorts with sneakers. Must give off the school girl vibe... young and fresh... clueless and bump into someone cute, get together, get married. Ok, none of this happened. Fast forward, now I'm year 3! Time really flies. I felt like I've shortchanged myself in school. I didn't know so many things were happening around me.


 I'm a tiny shellfish in this entire ocean, refusing to move an inch to explore. When I realized all the shellfishes beside me have left, I felt so lonely and stupid. I have nowhere to go. 

13/01/2014 Hello, New Semester!

I hate to say this... but Hello to a new hell semester. I am having mixed feelings since it will be my last semester. I can't do honors because my CAP didn't make it good enough for the school to spend another year of money and effort on student like me. Some things... even money can't buy. Looking back, my time in NUS is so fast. I've always felt like I have shortchanged myself. There are so many activities, so many opportunities and I'm just lazing my ass off. Sometimes, I feel like a nuisance and I don't belong to school. #Wow, 3 years of education to make myself feel lousier than ever. #ThankyouNUS Maybe, I'm not meant for academics. This society is always unfair. No matter how hard I try, I always feel like shit... I wonder if there's any one who feels the same as me. Whatever, it is.

“Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift of God, which is why we call it the present.” 

― Bil Keane 

“We are products of our past, but we don't have to be prisoners of it.” 

― Rick Warren, The Purpose Driven Life: What on Earth Am I Here for?

Well, I love how Rick Warren describes about our past. Currently, I am reading Man's Search For Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl. I enjoyed the foreword by Harold S. Kushner. 

He described how a man was faced with his emotional turmoil when the Nazi threw all his credentials and degree into the dustbin, and told him that he has nothing left. It hit me so hard. I begin imagining one day… I am in front of God. And He just chucked aside everything I worked my life for into maybe thin air? They can vanish and dissolve into little particles with a touch of God's fingertips. Everything I worked for would be NOTHING. Then, I realized how vulnerable I was. Who am I to think I am worthy just because I had a degree. Anyone else can have the same degree. Someone can come in and destroy what I had. Probably the government starts to set a law that an arts degree is nothing compared to a lawyer degree or considered unworthy in this society. After all, humans are the ones who set the rules and determine our morals. We are the evil ones who invent all the good and bad stuff. War wouldn’t exist if it weren’t for the greed of human. Is there anything not created by humans? Religion? Language? What really matters in the end?

I remember how I was so inspired by Candy Chang and her Before I Die project. I kept remembering her words which help me to set my paths right. She said that “Thinking about death helps her to see things clearer.” I keep that dearly to me. Whenever you know that you might die the very next day, month, year… you might want to hold back your arguments and instead tell your loved ones how much you meant to them.

Probably, your degree doesn’t even mean much. You are not more than nor less than anyone else. We are equal. 

08/01/2013 Poulet!

The day Sinta flew to Hong Kong for her exchange! We gonna miss you! I don't know why but we kept meeting up as if we are not gonna see her for a year but it's only 5 months! And I have plans to fly to meet Sinta at Hong Kong (provided if I earn enough). Everyone is going for exchange and I'm here in Singapore. *sigh* Anyway, I also have plans for myself but I don't even know if I am crazy or brave enough to do so. I wished someone supported me all this while. Cheers and Take care @sintayo. :D

01/01/2014 And a New Year begins...

Looking back at all my old blog posts, I felt very regretful for not blogging as often as I should. Whenever I read back all the old posts, I start to remember all the experiences I had, whether happy or disappointing. I knew these are all the small little things that make me who I am today. This year, maybe I will start posting nicer photos whenever I go out. I will start posting happier moments instead of ranting about my regrets about my life. I've read somewhere that when you start posting all your bitterness on your blog... 10 years from now... You'll look back and only realized how miserable your life was. Ahh... Definitely NOOO.

2013 is full of ups an downs. As cheesy as it may sound... It's true. However, 2013 feels more like a downhill ride by the bicycle where I fall with all the scars and bruises. I'm very hurt by 2013. I cannot remember a time I felt truly happy. Maybe my 21st Birthday. Even then, I was troubled by a lot of things. My results were terrible. I was struggling with my own faith. No matter how hard I tried, life wasn't going smooth. There were a lot of disappointments. People I thought would stood by me didn't had time to. I had so many problems that I didn't know who to tell. Honestly, till the end, it doesn't really matter. People all have their own lives and why would someone even bother about others. Life is this short. Probably, it's me. I'm just disappointed by what's happening around me. 

The start of 2014. It was a bad one. I cried. Not because my crush didn't like me back. I'm #foreversingle. Something happened and it shook me a lot. This was not something new, but I just manage to compartmentalize this piece of bad news into somewhere, so it wouldn't affect my exams and all. Now that it has come back to haunt me, I had nowhere to hide anymore.  My emotions never felt more raw than before. I felt betrayed, lost, angry, and disappointed. There's no way to justify any actions being done and the hurt being inflicted upon me. I really tried my best to hide, to throw it at the back of my mind... but the feelings kept coming back. I cannot look at the same person in the same way again. She is important to me but forgiveness is hard. As my leader has mentioned, it is not my fault. I cannot help but feel really shaken and disappointed by what has happened. Has I lose faith in love? No. Now that I know of the pitfalls of a marriage and how easy temptations can just slip in and caught us off guard. In the bible, 1 Peter 5:8,  Keep your mind clear, and be alert. Your opponent the devil is prowling around like a roaring lion as he looks for someone to devour. 

After this incident, I've decided to pray earnestly to seek the Lord for answers. Despite me being a really unfaithful Christian, God never fails to bring me back each time. He is indeed faithful, the same today, yesterday and forever! I really Thank Him for showing me and am still praying for healing and asking for forgiveness for what has happened. 

No matter how life may be, I want to believe my 2014 will be wonderful.