23/12/2012 What A Sad Christmas!

Feeling so sad for this season of love. I know we are supposed to feel love & all but I just feel so sulky & crap. It's like don't know... Prolonged problem or what and nobody can solve this shit. All you did was just sit there and pretend nothing happened. I'm speechless. Really nothing that can do to help me feel better. All I wanna do is lie down and let all these troubles vanish into thin air. I really hope they do. Oh God... Why why you let your cell group become like this? Why did you change us all away. Just don't even feel family at all. This is crap. I'm so so disappointed in all these plans of yours. It doesn't even make us feel better... No I don't think we grew wiser. Just more broken than ever. Can't even find a support.

22/12/2012 No Pretense

I don't know why I'm so stressed up over all these. I feel like I'm gonna break down over such a small lil stuff. I could just walk away & pretend nothing happened but precisely, something happened.

Am I the only one who hates hates hates camp? Not trying to be bad or what but the high amount of getting-to-know-you part is too much for me to take it. I hate repeating mundane crap like oh yeah I like this and I hate that and blah blah blah. I know all these requires time & all but it's simply too tiring.

I'm starting to feel worn out & left out from church. It seemed so lonely & I just don't feel any community love at all. This Xmas is just really I feel it's all empty. No joy, no peace, no love.

I'm suppose to love but I cannot. It been so long... And I feel like I can't be remembered. There wasn't even a time when I felt truly happy being with people except a few special ones.

I don't like forcing myself to be happy when I'm not. I don't even know why because I'm not usually like that. And I hate how everyone got this wrong impression of me. Tried tried to mix in but to me it's just so hard to fulfill. Am I trying hard to be liked by people? Is even remembering my name that hard? Not asking for more but it's really sad. Me myself trying my best but it don't succeed.

Don't even know why I'm bothered over this. Headache. 1.43 AM.

04/12/2012 Maybe I Need A New Light.

I can't even fare well in what I love. I can't even tell anyone how I feel. I can't even understand myself. Nobody knows/Nobody cares. We are all in love with ourselves. Too obsessed to care how other feels.

02/12/2012 We Accept The Love We Think We Deserve

这几天，我都好容易感动。读到感人的诗句就哭，听到一首好听的歌就哭，看电视看到感人的画面就哭，看着日出我也好像哭。不知道什么时候开始这样，我的感情开始细腻。许多小事都仿佛让我热泪盈眶。也是生活上已经没有什么好后悔，好留念，好挂念。。。 如果也已经没有如果。 洒脱的过着想要的生活也许才算是真正的活着。留下来的后悔只会像承重的枷锁拖着自己的脚步，住址我们往更好的方向前进。

我承认自己好难过，好痛恨自己，有时也不明白自己为何会做出这些事情让自己如此难过伤心。我明知后果还自负，让自己更加痛恨自己，告诉我自己我没有能力做到。也许我在挖掘自己的坟墓，想寻找自己所拥有的一片天堂却不断地往地里自我残废。我自认掉进自己的深渊，自甘堕落。我已经没有足够的能力再去满足你们的要求，满足想要被爱的渴望，已经无法说服自己所做的都是为了什么。我想起增经的努力，那么讨好你们，得到的却是如此的对待。只可求那么一份小小的温柔，一句问候，一句鼓励的话，就要求那么多一点点，难道有那么难吗？从前的我活在你们的背影，凡是都顺着你们的意见，直到活到这把年纪才发现自己都活在阴影下，久久无法走出。现在的一切都绕着一个人转动。我在你们的眼力还重要吗？我好像永远长不大，有时，我真希望自己想五岁的小女孩，抱着自己喜爱的娃娃，累了还有你们的呵护与关怀，不需要为自己的未来或生活担心。


[ 有人说孩子就像放风筝一样，放得再远，父母还是握紧手中的线。但是没有人想到风筝如果太早放得太远，它会在乌云里哭泣，在风里挣扎，害怕雷电声。如果风筝放得太远连自己都看不到，那么放风筝的人已经失去其中的意义。]    
-罗淑婷

30/11/2012 As I type...

Million thoughts running through my mind. Like what my friend A has mentioned how tough life out there can be especially, surviving in this stressful and 人吃人的社会。We always ponder about what if, or if time could turn back. To me, all these are bullshit. We are here today. No matter how badly, how terrible we do for today, there is always tomorrow redeem our sins and turn things around. (Unless it's some serious crap like killing someone...or life or death) There's always an opportunity for us to say sorry, to make things work again, to change our behaviors, to look beyond what we have now, to accept what we cannot change, and change what we can! The tantamount of stress we face whether family, school, friends, work, environmental and etc... They sometime leave us with little or no time to gasp for a breathe of air. Often, we have this powerless emotions which tells us that we cannot, we are useless, we are losers. All these in the head. It is this powerful mentality. How many lives and people are being controlled by that sad, demeaning mindset that they are born to doom and fail and never succeed. I can't deny, I myself had fallen into such traps. I guess that's why God always have this well-meaning message that we have already won the victory and no such strongholds will bring us down. (Maybe, sometimes, I do doubt God.) Put that aside. Failure can means something positive. It gives us a chance to emerge stronger. I mean, c'mon, if there aren't any failures, how would you know the sweetness of success? Chuck that aside, I think I should be studying for my exams right now. If lest I did not do well, there's always chances for my next semester, and most importantly, the beautiful process of learning without pressure is probably the most rewarding!

29/11/2012 Dinner with the Babe!

Last minute dinner with the babe! ❤ It has been a while since we last met for dinner and we are both so busy with examinations! :( but it's alright, a last minute meet up cures everything! Well, I don't know... Things might have change! I feel that the both of us have different directions in life. But I hope friendship remains the same despite the challenges of differences in life goals, perspectives and values! It's scary how differences can pull people apart. Maybe those readings are true... We once had common stuff but not anymore now. Maybe we might not be as close as before, at least the friendship is still there. I guess...

22/11/2012 This Shouldn't Be Happening

Dear Diary,

I hate to say how a muddle-head I am. Sometimes, I find myself really smart. I can memorize so many names, remembers so many facts about people. But yet, some simple things I cannot remember. I always get messed up during my exams. During semester 1, I thought I didn't had a Thai paper, but I do have one. Next, I didn't download my timetable well. Dang, wasn't interested in knowing where I sat. This semester, I messed up the dates, and now I'm left with 4 days to mug for my paper which I thought I had 7 days. Ha-Ha-Ha. Really?!?!?! Oh God, sometimes I really wonder my purpose here in NUS. By putting me here, shouldn't you at least give me some idea or revelations? I'm sick and tired of just being around in the school, feeling constantly dejected, feeling out-of-place, feeling I do not belong, feeling like I was here to torture myself each day. Urgh... Seriously?!?!

Disappointment.

19/11/2012 Time to Start.

I guess I'm strong enough to move on. 


Lazy, ain't I?
My surname is Lazy.
My middle name is Lazy.
My last name is Lazy.
I'm called Lazy Lazy Lazy.

Oh dear O Soul,
Why are you so lazy?
You know time is so precious,
& there you are letting it flow.

Now that all the anxiety are eating you up.
Consuming your soul, your breathe.
You feel like you'll never see daylight.
You feel like you don't care.
There are the memories gone.
The aspirations when you first felt.
Or no... you've never felt this way.

Living on a prayer'
Just like hanging on a thread.
Fighting for your breathe in a 8 A.M train
Trampling rose petals
Struggling in a drowning water
Resist the temptations
Balancing on the edge
Stretching the limits

Suddenly, it all fell out of place.
I hate this anxiety building up.
All you know is... don't give up until the last moment.

Every semester, you psycho yourself the same thing.
'It will get better'
Totally.

I just want so much to be carefree.
To be all I am.
Why am I like this?
Should I take a break?
I really hate myself for feeling no aspiration.
I hate myself for not wanting to study.
I hate who I am inside.
I hate this part of me who refuse to acknowledge.
Am I plain lazy or do I not know what I am doing?
I'm 20, not a kid anymore.
I ought to know the consequences,
but I just refuse to do it.
I just turn a blind eye to all these.
I could be jeopardizing my own life, career.

And I just simply don't care?
Man, I shouldn't even be alive.
Deserving all these chances to be here.

13/11/2012 GRACE\MERCY

Dear Diary,

I need to get myself on my feet. I cannot let myself down anymore. I need to stand up and fly again. I need to believe in myself again. I need to trust myself. I need to find myself. I need to bring myself together once more. I need to pick myself up. I need a change. I need something for me to believe in. I need myself to learn again. Learn, Unlearn, Learn. Time to be different. Time to something. Time to trust God that I will drop off the cliff, but you'll catch me. That hand of healing, faith will be so everlasting merciful and graceful to put me back where I am again.

Love, XX

06/11/2012 TIOMAN PART II

Great, enjoyable trip with the family.

25/10/2012 I can't deny how time flies.

Looking at how time pass by each day just like... it makes me even want to treasure each moment more than ever. Sometimes, exams and all just makes people lose track of all these beautiful, precious time that could be spent on loved ones. Sometimes I look back and I realized how all my time was spent on meaningless studying,... not exactly meaningless but I've could have planned my way to spend more time with my families or friends than on revisions. Speaking of all these... I'm thankful for this day that I am here at home. (K, I skipped a lecture.) I really hate myself for skipping lessons... but I always cannot wake up! :'(
Exams are really coming! I'm having extreme mixed feelings inside me. I really hope to go through all these ASAP. And when I can sleep 20 hours a day... Such a mundane post.

K, publish some nice photos.

My last weekend was pretty much packed. Friday, I was so busy preparing photos and rehearsal, hardly had any time to revise! During Saturday, we all had to wake up super early to go for our prayer tower! Thank God for His blessings that made the whole procedure so smooth and I mean there bound to have glitches but overall it was a great one! After prayer tower, had to rush off to TCT for camp briefing and all... followed by my outing to Sentosa with the Best Buddies people. It was pretty much enjoyable. There wasn't much pressure to make friends, everybody was just nice and all! So Thankful, and I met my buddy! Well... she wasn't exactly what I've thought to be... but will try my best to accommodate and have fun! Anyway, it was a super stormy day and was drenched and all.

Last Sunday, was the cell closure. I would say it's a heartwarming gathering. Those that stayed through with us thick and thin were all there. I'm thankful for them. We went through so much... and I once thought having a super big cell would be cool and all but I keep back my words. Having a small group like this is so much more heartwarming! We love each other, and we don't need to be so uptight and sensitive about how everyone else is feeling. Hope to see them more often! :)

17/10/2012 Thoughts That Last

In my place, in my place

Were lines that I couldn't change

I was lost, oh yeah 

I was lost, I was lost

Crossed lines I shouldn't have crossed

I was lost, oh yeah 

Yeah, how long must you wait for it?

Yeah, how long must you pay for it?

Yeah, how long must you wait for it?

For it...

I was scared, I was scared

Tired and under prepared

But I'll wait for it 

If you go, if you go

And leave me down here on my own

Then I'll wait for you 

Suddenly, this song speaks a lot to me. The lyrics just boomed and keep repeating itself in my mind. These few days, I'm really in a indescribable feeling. First of all, it's this feeling of losing myself. It really felt as if I lost everything and I'm back at square one again. I get this feeling a lot when I am extremely sad. It's as if I have gone down so deep, so far fetched that I cannot climb out of the pit anymore. It's felt as if I cannot go back to who I was yesterday. Sometimes when I get so depressed, I just sink into this deep sleep, wake up feeling like I lost my memory. Far too painful to be retrieved memory. Yet it has this characteristics of me being embraced. I feel so much. Some places and some nice memories and feelings just keep popping up, but I can only reach for them like the wind, sweeping through my fingers, slipping away as I watch it fades. Some people can only travel thus far. Nothing really lasts forever. I used to rely so much on people and etc... and now they just leave me one by one. Actually, I don't really know how I can carry on... this life just takes me by surprise. Even tears can't express how I'm feeling inside. All these changes are so big that I don't even know how to meet them. God, I'm so scared. Can you help me find myself back? I don't know where to start or end, it's so ... out of touch. I feel my soul getting detached from my body. The people that used to make me happy ain't there anymore. I feel like I'm going through a lot that I cannot understand.

16/10/2012 Let the Sun never dies

14/10/2012 I think I need a goal.

Once again, here comes the depressed girl. I know... it's like I'm forever feeling I'm depressed and all. I can't help but to feel sad... Often, it just struck me that I'm really lonely and everything. Just really, hating this feeling and I do not want it to override my own life, nor do I want it to take control of my life. Really must learn to start to be happier and to plan well. What makes it worst is that I'm SICK! Down with terrible flu and etc... Life is really horrible. I don't even want to be on social media anymore. It makes me sick. Everything makes me sick. I have to meet Lily to explain everything to her. It makes me even more discouraged. Life is already so discouraging. I thought year 2 would be better but, hell no.

30/09/2012 Everybody's Gotta Learn Sometime

Change your heart

Look around you

Change your heart

It will astound you

I need your lovin'

Like the sunshine

Everybody's gotta learn sometime

Everybody's gotta learn sometime

Everybody's gotta learn sometime

Change your heart

Look around you

Change your heart

Will astound you

I need your lovin'

Like the sunshine

Everybody's gotta learn sometime

Everybody's gotta learn sometime

Everybody's gotta learn sometime

I need your lovin'

Like the sunshine

Everybody's gotta learn sometime

Everybody's gotta learn sometime

Everybody's gotta learn sometime

Everybody's gotta learn sometime

Everybody's gotta learn sometime

Everybody's gotta learn sometime

Everybody's gotta learn sometime

Everybody's gotta learn sometime

25/09/2012 Love Yourself

Thanks to SW3105, I got the chance to go down to certain areas to survey the residents. I did something similar before in JC, and I find the experience quite enriching. It's really going down to the midst of people to ask them what they need. Even though I'm not a social worker yet, I really look forward to what I can do and etc... It's ok, might be exaggeration, but it's like the best job to me. Being able to help, yet receiving some form of monetary reward from it. Other than the monetary reward also comes the fruitfulness when you see others becoming better, and helping themselves. However much I said here, I seemed not being able to handle my own relationships with people around me. I guess after all these years, your perceptions of the person kind of remain fix. Put that aside. 

Has anybody wondered how beautiful and amazing life is? No matter who we are or what we do, there lies great strength in us. Just today, I've witness people from the lower income family surviving on only $500 per month yet finding means and ways to cope. God is great in his own ways... We are all so different and all. Sometimes I find it hard to grasp the understanding of how different each and everyone is made. We go to same school, same exams, same friends, same teachers, same values and etc... In the past, I've always felt we are trapped in a rat race education, and identity is formed if you are among the best in your results or talent. I've always wanted to prove to parents and people that I am good and smart and all, but to be honest, I failed terribly. I've never been the best, like top 20 kind, neither am I good in any talents or sports, in fact, a quitter. My goal in life is always based on how would others look at me... or how can I improve myself to please others. I was never happy. Never. Now looking back at my 20 years of life... it is really pathetic as I could describe. I never found who I was. All my blog posts were always soul-searching, trying to find meaning, trying to know who am truly is. In the end, I found no answers that could satisfy that inner desires. It's an empty void which I attempt to fill with the wrong things. It's just like I'm always using the wrong keys to unlock the door to a wide, breathtaking meadow field where I gain enlightenment. 

Just today, I have decided. It is really tiring and exhausting to do that. I have had enough. The constant struggles to prove how good I am, so what? Nobody ever thinks I am good, or find that I am that intelligent or capable, or etc... I don't think my friends think of me as that great and all. I may not be the smartest friend, prettiest girl, talented girl, helpful girl and etc... In life, there's always someone ahead of you, no matter what you do. Just be yourself. If this is your limit, accept it. If this is how much you can help, accept it. If this is how much you can tolerate, accept it. If this is where you stands, accept it. 

Accepting yourself is the first step to liberation of your own soul. You can never be happier than who you truly are when you learn to accept yourself. When you know you have tried your best, that's it. Nobody can blame you for what the results are. If you tried your best, and still did not attain that A1 you were suppose to get, fine. Your parents, teachers might be upset, your friends might look down on you... This is exactly who you are. Nobody can try as hard and attain the same results as you. Our abilities are all so different. Can we have 2 exact brain...? If you tried your best and this is what you can achieve, celebrate! Rejoice! No matter what the outcome may be, you are better than who you are yesterday because you learnt what is perseverance. Perseverance forms character! 

Next is find your identity in God. We please no one, or rather we can never please anyone. I've the hard way, suffered 20 years in trying so hard just to gain nothing. Correct yourself now. Embrace who you are, and start to please God. He delights in us when we do that. 

17/09/2012 Old Times seemed like the Best Times.

I was browsing through my old cards and letters and notes and etc... Just felt an instant warm in my heart. I am not who I am yesterday. I guess people changes, for the better or for the worst, I am unsure. But what I'm certain is the innocence we held yesterday. As we grow older, there seemed to be so many knowledge we gained, but from there grow doubts, insecurities, questions, and etc... I've always thought by becoming smarter is indeed makes me higher than other people, but what makes us people and all is really humanity. The art of humanity is totally a separate thing from knowledge. Is there really such things like us being smarter? Therefore, rights over somebody else? No. I want to learn to be more humble. I want to learn to be more compassionate. Somehow, I've felt I lost the zest for life. I've lost how it feels like to be surrounded by love. I keep thinking, I've lost love ever since I lost him. God, won't you strengthen me today, help me to see the love around me. Help me to feel the love. Help me to experience and believe in Your love this day. There is no time to hesitate. Some things when gone, would not come back... But I want to believe You come chasing for me, despite my resistance and sinful nature. I always want to try finding back myself, but no... how can people find back themselves? We might be the same person, but we changes. Am I still the same today, yesterday, and forever? I might be happier tomorrow, but sadder the day after. Things doesn't remain.

16/09/2012 Vicissitudes of Life.

Another week past... and I am really lost. Without any motivation, I really have no idea. Sometimes, I want to trust in God. Like in JC... I really don't know if I surrendered myself to Him, or I'm just ignorant about the results. All good and perfect gifts come from God. I feel really unsure. Deep, down, bottom of my heart, it is always a struggle to want to trust, and believe. Human is weak in the heart. I want to learn to trust, to let go. I want to learn to love. I want to learn how to lean on someone, and not on my own strengths.

08/09/2012 Wow Chase/The Day I had honey & flour in my hair.