30 November 2013

4:48AM

Lately, my biological clock has been screwed up. My revision has been going bad too. I cannot make sense of what I am doing at 21. I read somewhere that if your blog is full of sadness and misfortune incidents and bitter stuff, you might regret one day. It is because you will look back and only find unhappiness. I was pondering about that and I can't seemed to think of any happy things that I would like to document down. The above photos are pretty happy looking. I'm sorry if they look so photoshopped cause I used photowonder! (: 

What's this insomnia? Really can't seemed to fall asleep. There's a lot of things lately in my mind. I'm glad and not, both at the same time. Blessed & cursed. Have been pondering about self-worth, life, existence, meaning, light & all. Sometimes, I really wished I don't think that much... Maybe life would be easy on me. Maybe, I would learn to take my setbacks lightly. At times, I wonder why things happen. They happen for a reason, but what? I wished the night would last longer so they would give me more time to think. When the dawn breaks, it feels like a new day and everyone starts moving, doing their own thing. I prefer the night when I'm awake, and everyone else is asleep. It feels like the only time where I can be alone, catching up with my own thoughts, my own pace, my own world. 

The stillness of a night. The world is calmer, quieter. I feel so calm & secure. Peace becomes eternal. It's the same kind of feeling you get when you watch someone sleeps. Even when your enemy or someone you hate fall asleep... Everything else fall into place. During the night, I find my trouble dissolve like snow into water. It disappears like it never happened. Time become still. You have a moment to react. How amazing that each moment... something happens around this world. A new life is born, an old soul departs. Life doesn't seemed to end. What would happen to me? Like an drama unfolds... I honestly find my life mundane. I don't know if I belonged here on earth or if my existence brings a difference to someone's life. You? You? You? I can't make out my own life. Neither smart nor talented, pretty nor gorgeous, my heart isn't that beautiful. Am I trying to fit into this world? I'm  nothing but a small little speck of dust, like the midst in the rain, as insignificant as an ant? Am I worthy enough to be living here? Am I contributing to the society? It's weird, but sometimes I feel like people dislike me. Probably. My entire life seemed to be trying to please people, but not myself. It's tiring. People never seemed to be happy. When will I learn to be content? Everyone is struggling hard enough... why won't they make others life better? 

许多梦想终编制太美 ，跟著迎接幻灭。

25/09/2012 Love Yourself

Thanks to SW3105, I got the chance to go down to certain areas to survey the residents. I did something similar before in JC, and I find the experience quite enriching. It's really going down to the midst of people to ask them what they need. Even though I'm not a social worker yet, I really look forward to what I can do and etc... It's ok, might be exaggeration, but it's like the best job to me. Being able to help, yet receiving some form of monetary reward from it. Other than the monetary reward also comes the fruitfulness when you see others becoming better, and helping themselves. However much I said here, I seemed not being able to handle my own relationships with people around me. I guess after all these years, your perceptions of the person kind of remain fix. Put that aside. 

Has anybody wondered how beautiful and amazing life is? No matter who we are or what we do, there lies great strength in us. Just today, I've witness people from the lower income family surviving on only $500 per month yet finding means and ways to cope. God is great in his own ways... We are all so different and all. Sometimes I find it hard to grasp the understanding of how different each and everyone is made. We go to same school, same exams, same friends, same teachers, same values and etc... In the past, I've always felt we are trapped in a rat race education, and identity is formed if you are among the best in your results or talent. I've always wanted to prove to parents and people that I am good and smart and all, but to be honest, I failed terribly. I've never been the best, like top 20 kind, neither am I good in any talents or sports, in fact, a quitter. My goal in life is always based on how would others look at me... or how can I improve myself to please others. I was never happy. Never. Now looking back at my 20 years of life... it is really pathetic as I could describe. I never found who I was. All my blog posts were always soul-searching, trying to find meaning, trying to know who am truly is. In the end, I found no answers that could satisfy that inner desires. It's an empty void which I attempt to fill with the wrong things. It's just like I'm always using the wrong keys to unlock the door to a wide, breathtaking meadow field where I gain enlightenment. 

Just today, I have decided. It is really tiring and exhausting to do that. I have had enough. The constant struggles to prove how good I am, so what? Nobody ever thinks I am good, or find that I am that intelligent or capable, or etc... I don't think my friends think of me as that great and all. I may not be the smartest friend, prettiest girl, talented girl, helpful girl and etc... In life, there's always someone ahead of you, no matter what you do. Just be yourself. If this is your limit, accept it. If this is how much you can help, accept it. If this is how much you can tolerate, accept it. If this is where you stands, accept it. 

Accepting yourself is the first step to liberation of your own soul. You can never be happier than who you truly are when you learn to accept yourself. When you know you have tried your best, that's it. Nobody can blame you for what the results are. If you tried your best, and still did not attain that A1 you were suppose to get, fine. Your parents, teachers might be upset, your friends might look down on you... This is exactly who you are. Nobody can try as hard and attain the same results as you. Our abilities are all so different. Can we have 2 exact brain...? If you tried your best and this is what you can achieve, celebrate! Rejoice! No matter what the outcome may be, you are better than who you are yesterday because you learnt what is perseverance. Perseverance forms character! 

Next is find your identity in God. We please no one, or rather we can never please anyone. I've the hard way, suffered 20 years in trying so hard just to gain nothing. Correct yourself now. Embrace who you are, and start to please God. He delights in us when we do that.