28/12/2013 Paradise before 2014

Visuals from Krabi! It was a short but fulfilling 4 days 4 nights. Really enjoyed myself despite some unhappiness.

02/12/2013 DECEMBER WOES

My exam is ending on the 6th of December but I can't seemed to study well. I wonder if anyone has the same problem as me. Sometimes, I'm unsure if I'm secretly giving up on myself or am I just being myself? It somehow feels as though I've no motivation to study. I really don't see the point of myself studying. I know at the end of this, I get a degree. That's it. It doesn't really make any sense. All around me, my friends are really working hard. They strive for the A, and get really disappointed when they don't do well. I really understand because if you put in effort for something... you will feel upset since your expectations and hard work are not being reciprocated. But for me, I just do whatever I can... And how the results turn out to be, I accept it. Most of the time, I feel nothing. When I get B+, B, C+ ... I will be like... Ok. Move on. I wonder if there's anything wrong with me? Actually, ever since semester 1 of year 1, I have been contemplating to quit school and apply AOL. I have no idea what I am doing and I feel like I am wasting my time. For the past few semesters, I have been studying like a dead soul. Sometimes, I enjoy. Sometimes, I don't. I wished I could relate this to someone, but I look around and I can't really find someone I can talk to. Time is cruel. It's already the second last semester. I know it's crazy, but there are times, I had this crazy urge to go to the counseling unit and tell them about this problem. But, I just can't pick up the courage. I've got this lonely feeling in university because I felt I was different from everyone, but perhaps not? 

Anyway, I've kept this inside myself for pretty long. Maybe it's due to the insecurity of how lousy my GPA is. (IMO & FACT) I am in denial. I try to hide this pain. I try not to let anyone ask my GPA. I divert topic quickly. I feel like such a lousy and unworthy person because of my GPA. Every time people ask about, talk about, mention about grades, I feel like a knife cutting down my throat. I wished I possess the invisible cloak Harry Potter had and disappear from the world. I hate to say this... yes... my result is so lousy that it could land me nowhere and no opportunities. When people ask, ain't you going for exchange? I smiled and replied that I prefer staying in Singapore due to my social work commitment I had to during the 3 months. I LIED. Who doesn't want to go and experience a whole new world? I really hate to hide this fact. Whenever I had to answer queries or answers like this, my heart is literally bleeding. Is it better to tell people, "No lah... my results so lousy. That's why I cannot go exchange?" It's pointless and it only makes conversations awkward. I've had my fair share of struggle. I remembered months ago, this whole "GPA" thing was too much for me to take it. Whenever someone mentions about results, I felt like crying. I held back. I change topic really fast. Quite obvious. When exchange is mentioned, I would congratulate anyone but really feel like dying. (No offence to dear friends going exchange.) I "confessed" to my supervisor when she graded me a B- or B for my placement. (Not final result, but it just reminded me how shitty I am as a person.) I broke down, crying like a baby in front of a semi-stranger and used half box of tissues on the last day of my internship. (Yes, very long since I broke down in front of someone. I did so because my supervisor reminded me of someone really dear to me.) I remembered all that flashed across my mind was how terrible I am. I could not fare well in anything. I realized there was nothing I could do well to prove myself. I still remembered during year 1, I was so excited about everything. I kept all the exchange brochures in a file. I pinned up pictures and motivating quotes. However, I was so wronged. Disappointments after disappointments came like a tsunami. It was then I discovered how shallow I was. I didn't know how to go about doing anything. I don't even know how to pay my school fees. I didn't know how to go for exchanges? It was at one point that I felt... I'm really like a tiny shell in this whole ocean. My friends kept telling me about opportunities and I just didn't know what to do. I nodded but I didn't know what was going on. I tried to study but there was too much information. I lacked discipline. I did well in subjects I put in least effort. I did poorly for those I invested efforts in. I didn't know what to do. I'm so at a loss. Sometimes, I wished all this could come to an end. Year 3 and still struggling with all these shitty stuff...

And perhaps, I'm not as valuable as compared to others. I do love Social Work and everything about it. It might be the best decision I make in university. It makes me depress when people don't get it, & I can't help but struggle within myself to make out of all these. Am I doing the right thing? 

P.S: Sorry for such a depressing post. 

30 November 2013

4:48AM

Lately, my biological clock has been screwed up. My revision has been going bad too. I cannot make sense of what I am doing at 21. I read somewhere that if your blog is full of sadness and misfortune incidents and bitter stuff, you might regret one day. It is because you will look back and only find unhappiness. I was pondering about that and I can't seemed to think of any happy things that I would like to document down. The above photos are pretty happy looking. I'm sorry if they look so photoshopped cause I used photowonder! (: 

What's this insomnia? Really can't seemed to fall asleep. There's a lot of things lately in my mind. I'm glad and not, both at the same time. Blessed & cursed. Have been pondering about self-worth, life, existence, meaning, light & all. Sometimes, I really wished I don't think that much... Maybe life would be easy on me. Maybe, I would learn to take my setbacks lightly. At times, I wonder why things happen. They happen for a reason, but what? I wished the night would last longer so they would give me more time to think. When the dawn breaks, it feels like a new day and everyone starts moving, doing their own thing. I prefer the night when I'm awake, and everyone else is asleep. It feels like the only time where I can be alone, catching up with my own thoughts, my own pace, my own world. 

The stillness of a night. The world is calmer, quieter. I feel so calm & secure. Peace becomes eternal. It's the same kind of feeling you get when you watch someone sleeps. Even when your enemy or someone you hate fall asleep... Everything else fall into place. During the night, I find my trouble dissolve like snow into water. It disappears like it never happened. Time become still. You have a moment to react. How amazing that each moment... something happens around this world. A new life is born, an old soul departs. Life doesn't seemed to end. What would happen to me? Like an drama unfolds... I honestly find my life mundane. I don't know if I belonged here on earth or if my existence brings a difference to someone's life. You? You? You? I can't make out my own life. Neither smart nor talented, pretty nor gorgeous, my heart isn't that beautiful. Am I trying to fit into this world? I'm  nothing but a small little speck of dust, like the midst in the rain, as insignificant as an ant? Am I worthy enough to be living here? Am I contributing to the society? It's weird, but sometimes I feel like people dislike me. Probably. My entire life seemed to be trying to please people, but not myself. It's tiring. People never seemed to be happy. When will I learn to be content? Everyone is struggling hard enough... why won't they make others life better? 

许多梦想终编制太美 ，跟著迎接幻灭。

23/11/2013 A Time For Everything in the World

1/11/2013 Shopping

Yes! I have this ritual or rather pampering habit for myself after every submission of assignment or project! I'm so thankful how near my favorite mall, Vivo, is so near to my school! Every time I feel upset/tired/angsty/moody/happy... I would definitely shop away! It makes me feel much better. Even without talking to someone. Actually, I don't even know how to articulate my problems! I have zero problems! Too chill for anything! Maybe I don't really magnify my problems & I have quite good coping mechanism which is shopping. I love how it makes my mind wonder off and I'm so determined to get my buy worth it. Comparing prices, material, etc... I can thoroughly ignore the world and fully put my heart, soul, mind, strength into shopping. If only all these could be channelled into my academic! :( 

I don't even know why I do so badly in university. I wouldn't even say I'm average! Maybe like bottom 5% kind? Whatever it is... I know this is just a hurdle in life. I'm sure life has more in store for me. Even though sometimes I tear a little thinking about my own academics, what can I do right? I mean it's there! All I can do is probably work harder NOW. And make sure I don't disappoint myself. After all, good or bad doesn't mean who I am is being belittled... No? I am not less because of my grades. So gonna heads up and move on... 

28/10/2013 One More Month/One Less Semester

Wondering why I'm always so tired. But hey... just a few more days, a few more weeks to freedom, to Christmas. I can't even... I'm having such a bad time in school & it makes me even more weary than before. I'm wearing out and I'm so tired. I know I can do all these... I can. All these indescribable invisible scars. Let me go through these whole process and know that I am much stronger. From today onward, let me love the library as if it is my own children. I don't want to go through another semester seeing all the demoralizing grades again. I just want to live my life. It's so painful to see these things how the world see, and I refuse too. I just would like to live and see what I want to. Please, close my eyes. God, grant my wish. Probably, I have lived an entire life, thinking that my grades would bring me far but no. It only brought misery and loneliness upon me. I start losing people. I start becoming not who I want to be. I start to question my self. I start to self doubt and criticize. I am not who I am, I am also not who you think I am.

17/10/2013 Midnight Monsters

Or maybe I'm just a sour bitch who doesn't deserved to be love? I feel really sad. I'm sorry it spiraled this way... But mostly, I feel like nobody appreciates me.  It's like nobody likes me. Nobody enjoy my presence. Nobody loves me. Mostly? I feel so lonely. Whenever I'm out, I see people with ringing messages, flooding whatsappes while my phone just remained empty... Like it doesn't even need to be charged? I hate nights like this when I feel absolutely worthless. Can I even get a tinge of hope that my presence is important to someone? I am clueless. Sometimes I want a boyfriend badly. It's a turmoil inside whenever people mention/talks about boys/boyfriend/eye candy. I'm like turning into an awkward tortoise inside me. I really wished a black hole would just sucked me to planet XYZ so I could avoid it. I know it's simply wrong to want to have one to fill that empty void. But ain't that worth it, at least, half the void would be filled? At least I wouldn't need to have so many lunches alone? At least I wouldn't need to pretend to be cool that I didn't have one & that God timing is perfect. Who am I kidding? I'm freaking turning 22 soon. P.s: My mom gave birth to me when she was 23. Soon my biological clock would fail me and I probably would end up giving birth to kids with defects? People around me are getting hitched, flirted by, blah blah... I don't even have an interesting story to tell... ! I don't even have anyone coming forward to tell me I'm gorgeous and they are interested to know me. My social circle is pathetically small! I'm honestly, truthfully worried for my future. I'm really lying when I said I'm patient. I know I'm not perfect and God, why can't I fall and learn along the way? Just give me a heartbreak & I would appreciate the final one! My anxious heart wouldn't stop longing for a secure belonging. Please teach me your ways and calm my waves of anxiety. 

11/10/2013 Are you truly happy?

The past few days has been great until I screw up by being late. I really feel apologetic... and this is something I really shouldn't commit again. I really have no idea how I'm going out to work with all these bad habits. Most of the times, I just want to do what I love and everything, like the world works around my needs. But, the cruel reality is that NO... I have to meet the needs of blah blah blah. I'm like constantly tired... oh God, I need a new life.

30/09/2013 M.O.N.D.A.Y

Once again, the most dreaded, dreaded, dreaded Mondays are back again. Well, it wasn't a good start with me this sleepyhead being late and missing my very first lecture. I'm sorry (to my lecturer)! Anyway, this is so getting a toll on me. Next few days, I must must must mug hard and chiong for my assignment and upcoming exam. I'm feeling so guilty that I have not started on my SOM. I totally feel like SU-ing it but NOOO. I'm only taking 3 modules. It would be like a total waste to use it? 

On a brighter note, I'm back to BLOGGING. It feels good because it's like I have a friend to talk to about what happened to me in the day. Old friend found! Honestly, it felt kind of pathetic but hey... blogging really makes me feel better. I have been blogging during my secondary school and JC days but somehow stopped during my university days! I guess I couldn't catch up with work and was feeling so drained from everything. 

There's a lot of thing I would like to write on my blog! May be I would do that after my Science of Music exam! #goanddiescienceofmusic 

1:07AM! HELLO OCTOBER. PLEASE BE A GOOD MONTH! :) I promise I will love you like how I love every March. 

Maybe I will have a start of list like what to do for each month? 

• Shopping with friends (Actually no... cause I haven't bought any clothes!)
• Mayday Nowhere Concert (3D)
• Iseki Sushi buffet! 
• Lose 3 kg! 

29/09/2013 Lovely Sunday

Have I mentioned how our life has been so healthy ever since the presence of Teddy Chow! Thanks to the presence of a four-legged fur friend, now we all have to slogged out every Sunday to bring her to park to interact with people and other fur friends. Talk about responsibility. I really enjoy my Sunday now as compared to the past few years where they are just wasted by me lying in bed for hours. Because of Teddy, family outings has been more regular than before! Thanks to Teddy, we got to interact with more people and dog lovers. Bishan park has been our favourite park! The environment, the lush greenery, the friendly pet owners, pet-friendly restaurants, ... everything about it! :) Fingers crossed I won't meet anyone or any incident that makes me have a second opinion about it. Teddy loves bishan park too! It's a bonus and she loves roaming around the mini dog park since she doesn't run that much.

BEFORE THIS: Teddy was at the vet due to scratches from her eyes. Initially we thought it was flea... (Forgive us! We are first time pet owners!) We went really paranoid and all but in the end it was due to Teddy itchy fingers which caused her injury. Thank God it wasn't that serious! :)
Something which makes me super upset and super mad is the freaking receptionist. Every single time we visit the vet, he would start telling us how hard it is to raise Chow Chow, and how difficult it is to train Chow Chow, cannot pamper her if not she will bite us and all...  Once and for all, SHUT UP! I am raising my dog and I know her jolly well better than you do. Everyone that saw Teddy knows she is such a kind-hearted, soft and gentle Chow Chow. I'm really not lying. Many times I have brought her out and she has been attacked by other smaller dog breeds. The thing is Teddy didn't even retaliate, she just backed away when being threatened and bitten. No Bark at ALL. The last time we went there, the receptionist continued his stereotyping of Chow Chow...

'This kind of dog very hard to train.' I just ignored him. I'm already very nice by not asking him to shut up. What this kind of dog? Did I go around stereotyping you? Like bald, fat, ugly, hairy, blah blah blah...? Maybe you bite too? Then please kindly keep quiet and keep your mouth to yourself. We do not need you to come and teach us how to raise Teddy?

Anyway, it is our third visit over there and every SINGLE TIME, he has to comment on Teddy. First time, he made such statements, it really scared us cause we were first time owners... but subsequently as we spent time training her and etc... Teddy really was a nice and wonderful dog we can ever have. Anyway, one last time, I am gonna change our vet. Even our vet commented on how nice Teddy is and she is the NICEST CHOW CHOW he has ever met! :)

Waiting patiently for Teddy's turn!

 Checking Teddy's bone! :) 

Happy Monday everyone! :) 

Maybe nobody reads this but feel free to share with me your pet experience? 

26/09/2013 Prisoners

Last Thursday, I went to watch this really awesome thriller, PRISONERS! There may be one or two loopholes which I totally felt could be addressed. I mean c'mon what era is it... ok but I totally have to agree that even in real life situation such as Jaycee Dugard who was in captive for like eighteen years until the police discovered something amiss? (Spoiler alert) Put that aside, I was quite taken aback because I didn't manage to guess who the kidnapper was! Tada, outwitted. The whole movie lasted for more than two hours and throughout I felt there were parts that could be fast forward. I cannot deny that it was really intense and throughout the movie, I could felt my heart pounding. Anyway, long story short... I kind of dislike the ending. It gives people room for imagination... I personally chose to believe the positive side of the story. Plot aside, the actors were really really professional. Jake Gyllenhaal and Hugh Jackman. They really gave Oscar winning performance. No doubt. Even though there were a lot of symbols and signs of Christianity like verses from the bible and snakes, I felt it wasn't too overly used. Overall, it was a good movie which will definitely leaves an impression on your mind and makes you think about certain things in life. 

Rating: 8.5/10 

25/09/2013 SPIZZA!

Spizza with my wonderful social work friends! Wished I knew all of them way earlier! :) This picture doesn't do justice to how big our 20 inch pizza really is!

24/09/2013 Money & Filial

How do you define filial? The money you 'return' your parents every month? It may be true that it is natural for adults children with the capability to be self-independent to return to their parents in some sort of a way. Monetary. To be exact. However, that in my opinion, is a false gauge. How can we even put a monetary value onto filial piety? It starts from within the heart. I may sound like an unfilial daughter but I somehow felt that it should be based on how much our parents sacrifice their time and effort for us. How does it feels returning to an empty home? It pisses me off every single time my father asks me to return him when I've gotten my first pay. I think about all the lonely nights I spent, crying myself to sleep whenever I face any issues. Where is my mum and dad when I needed them? All I remember is my parents returning late from their work. It may be true that they are working hard, but there are definitely times when they could have used the time to spend it on us... but instead it was being squandered freely away with friends, beer and cigarettes. Do they even feel regretful? Do they even think and remember us? Despite me being 21, yes... I should be matured enough to understand that my parents are slogging their life to help me earn my degree and who I am today but I still feel the hurt every single day of loneliness whenever my parents ain't there to help me. I remember nights when I attempted to commit suicide and they did not even realize anything amiss. Days when I cried because I had friendships problem... and they simply weren't there to notice because they were too tired. People may tell me to grow up and all... but all I wanted was for them to notice and asked me what happen, and the minimum they could do was to talk to me. I used to run so eagerly to them every night, telling them what happened in school, and all they did was to ignore my ramblings. Yes, I thank you my parents for who I am today, and how independent I have become because I had to. I tell myself everyday that if I were ever to become a parent, one thing I would have done differently, I would be by their side, watching them grow.

22/09/2013 雪糕的一天

Thank God for Friends! :)

Have been feeling really upset and depressed the past few days! I really have no idea. It's just this chronic sadness and I have no idea. I just felt so lonely, like nobody would understand me. Why am I even cooped up with my own problems when there are so many things for me to worry? Anyway, Thank God for friends. I decided to pull my ass out and thick-skinnly(no such word) asked my friends out... Sometimes, company really makes people feel better. It helps to forget for a moment why we are this sad and focus on our friends and their lives. And I enjoy it. Maybe I have not been crying for awhile. It just feels as though nobody cares. It's probably true... we will never understand how a person feel, what he or she goes through until we are in their skin. No matter what it is... this too shall pass.

20/09/2013 Lazy Bones

“Don't let go too soon, but don't hold on too long.” 

― Mitch Albom, Tuesdays With Morrie

I'm so so so lazy! Procrastinated for more than 24 hours already and I can't even finish my assignment. God, please give me the strength?

Now, even saying, praying to God seemed to put me in an ironic position. I mean, c'mon, who am I to speak of God?

Even though I didn't mention but most of the time, I feel like a fake Christian. Whatever you call that. Not that I'm pretending or like I do not believe in God. It feels so condemning. I just feel so sad when I'm in church. I feel so lonely. I can't find anyone I can confide in. It's like I know God hears my problems, knows my needs. It's just that I don't feel belonged. Every single week I go, I feel like I'm very tiny and at the back of church. A corner... Probably yes, when we don't feel God... SIN is the thing that separates us. I'm ... yeah basically... Just that every week, I feel so unworthy so be a cell leader. No, I'm not even a cell leader. I don't know what I am. I feel so neglected. I don't so my quiet time. I don't pray. Every week when I pray and in cell, I feel so far away from my cell. Not like I hate them or what. I really do enjoy their presence but I just don't felt belonged. I feel so out-of-place. I feel like I cannot bless them. I feel like I'm not worthy enough to even pray for them. Every week, I feel like I'm dragging my feet to service. A commitment... probably I have been going teens service for quite sometimes... I feel so empty and letdown to the teens if I did not attend. Maybe my presence does not even make a difference. Now, I have made the decision of not attending night service. Now thinking of it... I feel really sorry towards God. Like I've based this decision on my personal needs and not on who God is... But for now, I really want to sort my thoughts... really don't even feel like stepping into the auditorium.

15/09/2013 Blessings

http://johndhowell.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/god_calling.jpg

We pray for blessings

We pray for peace

Comfort for family, protection while we sleep

We pray for healing, for prosperity

We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering

All the while, You hear each spoken need

Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights

Are what it takes to know You're near

What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom

Your voice to hear

And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near

We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love

As if every promise from Your Word is not enough

All the while, You hear each desperate plea

And long that we have faith to believe

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights

Are what it takes to know You're near

And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us

When darkness seems to win

We know that pain reminds this heart

That this is not, this is not our home

It's not our home

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

And what if a thousand sleepless nights

Are what it takes to know You're near

What if my greatest disappointments

Or the achings of this life

Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy

And what if trials of this life

The rain, the storms, the hardest nights

Are Your mercies in disguise

Credits: http://www.lyricshall.com/lyrics/Laura+Story/Blessings/

Just stumbled upon this wonderful song while I was on the internet. Every words, every sentences just pierce through my heart every time I listen to it, especially in this moment, where I'm feeling vulnerable to all the setbacks and disappointments in people. Most of the time, we pray and yearn for God blessings. We only want good things, great things to happen to us. I think we all as humans fail to see and understand God's blessings through the small little things/trials/darkness. All these disappointments, setbacks are inevitable because God did not promise we will have a smooth sailing life... He promised that we will have trouble, but God will be with us through the trials and storms. Is it enough? I really like the chorus. Probably we would never know what's healing without getting hurt, without experiencing His love for us.