13/08/2014 12.14 P.M

How do I even start? So many things happened within a short span of half a year. I got so busy that I didn't have time to sit down and ponder about my next stage of life. You can say this is a major transition. I have officially graduated. And there's just so many thoughts filled in my mind. I feel so choked up with my own thoughts and emotions... . I wished I could escape from it but where can I go? Where do I even start? This abyss of darkness filled with my own emotions. I feel like I cannot climb out of it. Just two days after I handed up my portfolio, I actually wanted to cry because I am just so loss at what to do. Putting up my resume, sending them, going for interviews and etc... I just have no idea how to do all these are going to work out.

Have I given up on church? What does church comprises of? God, Faith? When I said I have given up, I have no concrete answer to what I have exactly given up? Is it my faith? My attendance? God? Because I have dedicated my whole youth into church and believing in everything spoken to my mind. I have now immensely struggled daily about my current perceptions and always questioning who I am, how I feel. It is difficult becoming a non-christian again. Imagine the embarrassment I have to go through when I see ex-church friends, cell group and people? Or maybe they don't bother about me either. Every day is a struggle about my own faith and perceptions of who I really am to how I want to set my boundaries to be. For example, being rich. Yes, I know I cannot serve two masters. God. or. Money. I know there are many exceptions and theories such as you still can have money but enough? Or God doesn't ask for you to be left with nothing because he provides. #Fliptomatthew Next, LGBT communties. Initially it was such a great struggle confronting this whole issue? I felt like the whole time I was being brainwashed to hold such an extreme stand. Now that I'm no longer a Christian, I'm starting to have such double standards and I hated myself. All the time, I kept thinking I was sinning and once I am accepting of them, I have committed a heinous crime. But yet again, I remind myself I am not. Now that I am seeing a lot of things in a new light and perspective, I am gaining a lot yet also losing.

Even throughout my whole span of Christian living, I have questioned my own purpose of existence. Still, no amount of prayers, bible-reading, seeking of God, fellowship could solve this mystery in me. This growing abyss of soul-searching has gone so much deeper. Nothing could fill it up. It dawned on me how people around the world can actually live without knowing what their purpose is?

02/12/2013 DECEMBER WOES

My exam is ending on the 6th of December but I can't seemed to study well. I wonder if anyone has the same problem as me. Sometimes, I'm unsure if I'm secretly giving up on myself or am I just being myself? It somehow feels as though I've no motivation to study. I really don't see the point of myself studying. I know at the end of this, I get a degree. That's it. It doesn't really make any sense. All around me, my friends are really working hard. They strive for the A, and get really disappointed when they don't do well. I really understand because if you put in effort for something... you will feel upset since your expectations and hard work are not being reciprocated. But for me, I just do whatever I can... And how the results turn out to be, I accept it. Most of the time, I feel nothing. When I get B+, B, C+ ... I will be like... Ok. Move on. I wonder if there's anything wrong with me? Actually, ever since semester 1 of year 1, I have been contemplating to quit school and apply AOL. I have no idea what I am doing and I feel like I am wasting my time. For the past few semesters, I have been studying like a dead soul. Sometimes, I enjoy. Sometimes, I don't. I wished I could relate this to someone, but I look around and I can't really find someone I can talk to. Time is cruel. It's already the second last semester. I know it's crazy, but there are times, I had this crazy urge to go to the counseling unit and tell them about this problem. But, I just can't pick up the courage. I've got this lonely feeling in university because I felt I was different from everyone, but perhaps not? 

Anyway, I've kept this inside myself for pretty long. Maybe it's due to the insecurity of how lousy my GPA is. (IMO & FACT) I am in denial. I try to hide this pain. I try not to let anyone ask my GPA. I divert topic quickly. I feel like such a lousy and unworthy person because of my GPA. Every time people ask about, talk about, mention about grades, I feel like a knife cutting down my throat. I wished I possess the invisible cloak Harry Potter had and disappear from the world. I hate to say this... yes... my result is so lousy that it could land me nowhere and no opportunities. When people ask, ain't you going for exchange? I smiled and replied that I prefer staying in Singapore due to my social work commitment I had to during the 3 months. I LIED. Who doesn't want to go and experience a whole new world? I really hate to hide this fact. Whenever I had to answer queries or answers like this, my heart is literally bleeding. Is it better to tell people, "No lah... my results so lousy. That's why I cannot go exchange?" It's pointless and it only makes conversations awkward. I've had my fair share of struggle. I remembered months ago, this whole "GPA" thing was too much for me to take it. Whenever someone mentions about results, I felt like crying. I held back. I change topic really fast. Quite obvious. When exchange is mentioned, I would congratulate anyone but really feel like dying. (No offence to dear friends going exchange.) I "confessed" to my supervisor when she graded me a B- or B for my placement. (Not final result, but it just reminded me how shitty I am as a person.) I broke down, crying like a baby in front of a semi-stranger and used half box of tissues on the last day of my internship. (Yes, very long since I broke down in front of someone. I did so because my supervisor reminded me of someone really dear to me.) I remembered all that flashed across my mind was how terrible I am. I could not fare well in anything. I realized there was nothing I could do well to prove myself. I still remembered during year 1, I was so excited about everything. I kept all the exchange brochures in a file. I pinned up pictures and motivating quotes. However, I was so wronged. Disappointments after disappointments came like a tsunami. It was then I discovered how shallow I was. I didn't know how to go about doing anything. I don't even know how to pay my school fees. I didn't know how to go for exchanges? It was at one point that I felt... I'm really like a tiny shell in this whole ocean. My friends kept telling me about opportunities and I just didn't know what to do. I nodded but I didn't know what was going on. I tried to study but there was too much information. I lacked discipline. I did well in subjects I put in least effort. I did poorly for those I invested efforts in. I didn't know what to do. I'm so at a loss. Sometimes, I wished all this could come to an end. Year 3 and still struggling with all these shitty stuff...

And perhaps, I'm not as valuable as compared to others. I do love Social Work and everything about it. It might be the best decision I make in university. It makes me depress when people don't get it, & I can't help but struggle within myself to make out of all these. Am I doing the right thing? 

P.S: Sorry for such a depressing post.