30/11/2012 As I type...

Million thoughts running through my mind. Like what my friend A has mentioned how tough life out there can be especially, surviving in this stressful and 人吃人的社会。We always ponder about what if, or if time could turn back. To me, all these are bullshit. We are here today. No matter how badly, how terrible we do for today, there is always tomorrow redeem our sins and turn things around. (Unless it's some serious crap like killing someone...or life or death) There's always an opportunity for us to say sorry, to make things work again, to change our behaviors, to look beyond what we have now, to accept what we cannot change, and change what we can! The tantamount of stress we face whether family, school, friends, work, environmental and etc... They sometime leave us with little or no time to gasp for a breathe of air. Often, we have this powerless emotions which tells us that we cannot, we are useless, we are losers. All these in the head. It is this powerful mentality. How many lives and people are being controlled by that sad, demeaning mindset that they are born to doom and fail and never succeed. I can't deny, I myself had fallen into such traps. I guess that's why God always have this well-meaning message that we have already won the victory and no such strongholds will bring us down. (Maybe, sometimes, I do doubt God.) Put that aside. Failure can means something positive. It gives us a chance to emerge stronger. I mean, c'mon, if there aren't any failures, how would you know the sweetness of success? Chuck that aside, I think I should be studying for my exams right now. If lest I did not do well, there's always chances for my next semester, and most importantly, the beautiful process of learning without pressure is probably the most rewarding!

29/11/2012 Dinner with the Babe!

Last minute dinner with the babe! ❤ It has been a while since we last met for dinner and we are both so busy with examinations! :( but it's alright, a last minute meet up cures everything! Well, I don't know... Things might have change! I feel that the both of us have different directions in life. But I hope friendship remains the same despite the challenges of differences in life goals, perspectives and values! It's scary how differences can pull people apart. Maybe those readings are true... We once had common stuff but not anymore now. Maybe we might not be as close as before, at least the friendship is still there. I guess...

22/11/2012 This Shouldn't Be Happening

Dear Diary,

I hate to say how a muddle-head I am. Sometimes, I find myself really smart. I can memorize so many names, remembers so many facts about people. But yet, some simple things I cannot remember. I always get messed up during my exams. During semester 1, I thought I didn't had a Thai paper, but I do have one. Next, I didn't download my timetable well. Dang, wasn't interested in knowing where I sat. This semester, I messed up the dates, and now I'm left with 4 days to mug for my paper which I thought I had 7 days. Ha-Ha-Ha. Really?!?!?! Oh God, sometimes I really wonder my purpose here in NUS. By putting me here, shouldn't you at least give me some idea or revelations? I'm sick and tired of just being around in the school, feeling constantly dejected, feeling out-of-place, feeling I do not belong, feeling like I was here to torture myself each day. Urgh... Seriously?!?!

Disappointment.

19/11/2012 Time to Start.

I guess I'm strong enough to move on. 


Lazy, ain't I?
My surname is Lazy.
My middle name is Lazy.
My last name is Lazy.
I'm called Lazy Lazy Lazy.

Oh dear O Soul,
Why are you so lazy?
You know time is so precious,
& there you are letting it flow.

Now that all the anxiety are eating you up.
Consuming your soul, your breathe.
You feel like you'll never see daylight.
You feel like you don't care.
There are the memories gone.
The aspirations when you first felt.
Or no... you've never felt this way.

Living on a prayer'
Just like hanging on a thread.
Fighting for your breathe in a 8 A.M train
Trampling rose petals
Struggling in a drowning water
Resist the temptations
Balancing on the edge
Stretching the limits

Suddenly, it all fell out of place.
I hate this anxiety building up.
All you know is... don't give up until the last moment.

Every semester, you psycho yourself the same thing.
'It will get better'
Totally.

I just want so much to be carefree.
To be all I am.
Why am I like this?
Should I take a break?
I really hate myself for feeling no aspiration.
I hate myself for not wanting to study.
I hate who I am inside.
I hate this part of me who refuse to acknowledge.
Am I plain lazy or do I not know what I am doing?
I'm 20, not a kid anymore.
I ought to know the consequences,
but I just refuse to do it.
I just turn a blind eye to all these.
I could be jeopardizing my own life, career.

And I just simply don't care?
Man, I shouldn't even be alive.
Deserving all these chances to be here.

13/11/2012 GRACE\MERCY

Dear Diary,

I need to get myself on my feet. I cannot let myself down anymore. I need to stand up and fly again. I need to believe in myself again. I need to trust myself. I need to find myself. I need to bring myself together once more. I need to pick myself up. I need a change. I need something for me to believe in. I need myself to learn again. Learn, Unlearn, Learn. Time to be different. Time to something. Time to trust God that I will drop off the cliff, but you'll catch me. That hand of healing, faith will be so everlasting merciful and graceful to put me back where I am again.

Love, XX

06/11/2012 TIOMAN PART II

Great, enjoyable trip with the family.