28/10/2013 One More Month/One Less Semester

Wondering why I'm always so tired. But hey... just a few more days, a few more weeks to freedom, to Christmas. I can't even... I'm having such a bad time in school & it makes me even more weary than before. I'm wearing out and I'm so tired. I know I can do all these... I can. All these indescribable invisible scars. Let me go through these whole process and know that I am much stronger. From today onward, let me love the library as if it is my own children. I don't want to go through another semester seeing all the demoralizing grades again. I just want to live my life. It's so painful to see these things how the world see, and I refuse too. I just would like to live and see what I want to. Please, close my eyes. God, grant my wish. Probably, I have lived an entire life, thinking that my grades would bring me far but no. It only brought misery and loneliness upon me. I start losing people. I start becoming not who I want to be. I start to question my self. I start to self doubt and criticize. I am not who I am, I am also not who you think I am.

17/10/2013 Midnight Monsters

Or maybe I'm just a sour bitch who doesn't deserved to be love? I feel really sad. I'm sorry it spiraled this way... But mostly, I feel like nobody appreciates me.  It's like nobody likes me. Nobody enjoy my presence. Nobody loves me. Mostly? I feel so lonely. Whenever I'm out, I see people with ringing messages, flooding whatsappes while my phone just remained empty... Like it doesn't even need to be charged? I hate nights like this when I feel absolutely worthless. Can I even get a tinge of hope that my presence is important to someone? I am clueless. Sometimes I want a boyfriend badly. It's a turmoil inside whenever people mention/talks about boys/boyfriend/eye candy. I'm like turning into an awkward tortoise inside me. I really wished a black hole would just sucked me to planet XYZ so I could avoid it. I know it's simply wrong to want to have one to fill that empty void. But ain't that worth it, at least, half the void would be filled? At least I wouldn't need to have so many lunches alone? At least I wouldn't need to pretend to be cool that I didn't have one & that God timing is perfect. Who am I kidding? I'm freaking turning 22 soon. P.s: My mom gave birth to me when she was 23. Soon my biological clock would fail me and I probably would end up giving birth to kids with defects? People around me are getting hitched, flirted by, blah blah... I don't even have an interesting story to tell... ! I don't even have anyone coming forward to tell me I'm gorgeous and they are interested to know me. My social circle is pathetically small! I'm honestly, truthfully worried for my future. I'm really lying when I said I'm patient. I know I'm not perfect and God, why can't I fall and learn along the way? Just give me a heartbreak & I would appreciate the final one! My anxious heart wouldn't stop longing for a secure belonging. Please teach me your ways and calm my waves of anxiety. 

11/10/2013 Are you truly happy?

The past few days has been great until I screw up by being late. I really feel apologetic... and this is something I really shouldn't commit again. I really have no idea how I'm going out to work with all these bad habits. Most of the times, I just want to do what I love and everything, like the world works around my needs. But, the cruel reality is that NO... I have to meet the needs of blah blah blah. I'm like constantly tired... oh God, I need a new life.