21/06/2014 How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

How do we go about this? There are countless, boring posts I have posted about the meaning of life and how I'm on a constant search about all these meaningless pursuit of understanding my own existence on this earth. When people lost that essence of why they are living and what they are living for... death is seemingly a most rationale choice. When I die, I leave behind nothing but broken hearts for people around me (probably my parents). I have no idea why I am here. I feel so empty. I feel that I am just a good-for-nothing. People can tell you everything... but they cannot make you change how you feel about yourself. Many times I have been challenged, I wished I was stronger, I wished I was more courageous. I wished I could overcome all these negativity. Am I really that bad? Self-doubt and criticisms are the worst enemy of hope. They kills. Even shopping become boring for me. Growing to become so old and understanding the dark side of life and questioning my self, my faith. It's like the world keep tumbling down. Do I even have anything, a small tiny seed of hope for me to believe in? Sometimes, I'm not afraid of dying. It feels like no hope to live in nor do I see myself long enough on this earth to so many sufferings, countless of heartbreaks. Used to believe maybe I can even have hope of finding a good husband and someone to lean in... each day... my hope is fading away and maybe I could just leave without finding someone that finds me worthy. I think I have lived long enough to know this life is terrible... Maybe I could just leave without working.