3 week of my unofficial graduate have passed. I am officially getting bored, bored, bored. I've never really told anyone what I have in mind yet. Actually, I am confused myself. On one hand, I have to work because I have to pay my school loans. On the other side, I just am unsure of what I want in life. This is probably the result of our education in Singapore and what many other faces right after they graduate. I am not saying the majority of Singaporeans are like me, but I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels this way. My parents/My school/My blah blah blah used to say I have to get a degree, graduate, get a good job/life. The outcome of this... staying stuck and unhappy for the rest of your life. Many don't really question what makes them happy and passionate. I am feeling so frustrated because after 18 years of education, I have no idea what I have learnt or want in life. I am left feeling lost, like what's next? The real fact is that I have been letting others direct my life. I have never experienced anything that truly ignite a sparks or passion in my life (social work, maybe once or twice?)
Then again, it doesn't mean I have no dream or aspiration. It happens that they are really fleeting and I truly question if I love any of them. By writing down, I hope I narrow down what I really want and be.
When I was 5, I wanted to be a SINGER.
When I was 6, I wanted to be a TEACHER.
When I was 9, I wanted to be a FASHION DESIGNER.
When I was 12, I wanted to be an ARTIST.
When I was 16, I wanted to be a KOREAN IDOL.
When I was 16, I wanted to be a CHILDCARE TEACHER.
When I was 17-20, I felt really lost.
When I was 21, I wanted to be a SOCIAL WORKER.
When I was 22, I wanted to be a whatever-job-position-that-makes-me-rich.
When I was 5, I wanted to be a SINGER.
- Whenever I sing, the glass breaks.
When I was 6, I wanted to be a TEACHER.
- I really enjoyed role-playing as a teacher and tuition my siblings. Probably because I'm the oldest and smarter.
When I was 9, I wanted to be a FASHION DESIGNER.
- I love drawing. I started playing with those paper cut barbie dolls when you can change their outfits. I would have a sketchbook and draw all my dresses design in it. Wished I kept them though. :'( They were lost in the shop. Truth is, I told my parents I wanted to be a designer, but they told me to be realistic and become doctor/lawyer... . Designer doesn't get you far.
When I was 13, I wanted to be an ARTIST.
- I scored pretty well in ART. Yes, art don't get you far and nobody appreciates what you draw unless you're smart.
When I was 15, I wanted to be a INTERIOR DESIGNER.
- I was super fascinated by the beautiful homes you see overseas. I would read books and magazines about home, played online games to design your own room. I would draw and study home plan.
I stopped telling anyone about my dreams because people shoot down whatever you say. I've learnt the hard truth, even the people closest to you. They are not supportive. It's a lie when they say your parents support whatever you do. I dare to bet that my parents would not support my education if I were to study in NAFA.
When I was 16, I wanted to be a KOREAN IDOL.
- Yes, I was obsessed with K-WAVE. Speak about TVXQ. I am a hard-core KPOP FAN.
When I was 16, I wanted to be a CHILDCARE TEACHER.
- Wow, little did I know I had to make a decision soon. My O Level result weren't that bad, it could bring me quite a lot of place. I told my parents I wanted to study childcare at Ngee Ann Polytechnic but they told me to try studying at JC. So I did. Unfortunately, I got into Nanyang Junior College. Rest is history.
When I was 17-20, I felt really lost.
- During my JC years were the darkest period of my life, I didn't know what I was doing and all the time I was unhappy. I was crying almost every night, regretting my decision each and everyday. I still remember vividly the first day I came back from JC crying, telling my parents I want to quit. There were times during my JC years when I woke up from my sleep in tears, not remembering what I was doing for that two years. I wanted that memory to disappear so much. I really didn't want to acknowledge this part of my life. Maybe the pain was too unbearable.
When I was 21, I wanted to be a SOCIAL WORKER.
- After I entered church, met many nice cell leaders who inspire me especially one particular leader. To be honest, I have chosen social worker because I failed to meet the criteria for my psychology exposure module. As simple as that, doors were shutting because I ain't smart enough to qualify. It wasn't that bad. I enjoyed social work modules and looked forward to each and every one of them because they teach me a lot whether it's the professor, clients, fieldtrips, projects and etc... . Through social work, I have also met lots of wonderful friends who are so inspiring and lovely.
When I was 22, I wanted to be a whatever-job-position-that-makes-me-rich.
- After graduated, I really have no idea what I want do. As much as I want to be become a social worker, which is obviously, the most ideal path... many factors are holding me back.
