21/06/2014 How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

How do we go about this? There are countless, boring posts I have posted about the meaning of life and how I'm on a constant search about all these meaningless pursuit of understanding my own existence on this earth. When people lost that essence of why they are living and what they are living for... death is seemingly a most rationale choice. When I die, I leave behind nothing but broken hearts for people around me (probably my parents). I have no idea why I am here. I feel so empty. I feel that I am just a good-for-nothing. People can tell you everything... but they cannot make you change how you feel about yourself. Many times I have been challenged, I wished I was stronger, I wished I was more courageous. I wished I could overcome all these negativity. Am I really that bad? Self-doubt and criticisms are the worst enemy of hope. They kills. Even shopping become boring for me. Growing to become so old and understanding the dark side of life and questioning my self, my faith. It's like the world keep tumbling down. Do I even have anything, a small tiny seed of hope for me to believe in? Sometimes, I'm not afraid of dying. It feels like no hope to live in nor do I see myself long enough on this earth to so many sufferings, countless of heartbreaks. Used to believe maybe I can even have hope of finding a good husband and someone to lean in... each day... my hope is fading away and maybe I could just leave without finding someone that finds me worthy. I think I have lived long enough to know this life is terrible... Maybe I could just leave without working.

01/06/2014 JUNE.XX

Hello, June! It's amazing how time flies and I'm 3 weeks into my internship. I have been experiencing so much, both in my personal life and work life. It is hard to balance between both but I am learning. Time management is still an issue, but I acknowledge that I am still trying and not giving up. Recently, I got a chance to talk to one of my colleague who challenged me and sorta counselled me in my personal life. I am still trying to make sense of everything in my life, especially given that I have to make a choice in a few weeks time. It scares me sometimes to accept that I am probably gonna be in another phase of my life and I am certainly not psychologically prepared. What I've gotten through is I have commitment issue and I am afraid of the future. For some inner psychological reason, I do agree to some extent that these are one of my fears. Life is all about "waddling through murky water". I keep looking back at all the times where things are safe and comfortable. I can't seemed to live in the present.

01/06/2014 Hello June/Habitat Cafe

Habitat Cafe

It's June and off to a good start... even though it gives me jitters knowing there's work tomorrow. Finally tried Habitat Cafe after it has been around for so long! Ordered the truffle fries which was crispy and tasty. The portion was generous and pretty worth it ($8)! Their Eggs Tomato Relish ($15) is fulfilling. The texture of the rummy eggs mixed with the goodness of tomatoes, baby spinach and bacon was a perfect match! Bread were also toasted to perfect crisp. I felt it was better to share this with friends since you'll feel a little full towards the third bread. Next, we ordered the cappuccino ($4.90) and chocolate ($4.90). The coffee art is pretty impressive. :) The overall ambiance was great and perfect to chill whether weekday or weekends. Furthermore, there is no GST or service charge which is a great news! I would say the standard and quality of food is justifiable for its price.  

P.S: I am not a food blogger. Just sharing what I've eaten.

18/05/2014 Thankful

Week and months have passed.. Looking back, I guess 'Thankful' is the right word. Despite not going back for so long, it does feel like I haven't left. It feels so homely yet strange simultaneously. The only thing I could do now might be to trust that there's a pathway out of my own feelings and not cause a nuisance to everyone. Maybe I'm thinking too much. 

11/05/2014 Last Day to Freedom/One Less Day to Worry about Real Job

Official days of freedom are over. I have watched a movie, ticked. Shopping, ticked. More shopping ticked. Ramen cravings, ticked.

For the next 10 weeks, I'm going to commit myself fully to internship. For the previous placement, I did not perform well. Didn't really know what to expect as an intern. Let the past be past. Sometimes, I wonder about... things I do, things I said. Have you thought so too? Doing stupid mistakes, asking gravely deadly questions. I have been living my life according to what I want, how I want and that's probably the biggest mistake. I understood and came to terms that life is about sucking up to people around you. Being humble, acknowledging you are nothing. Of course, that's not just being a suck up and good-for-nothing. Got to have brains and ideas too. I hate it a lot when my ideas are being shot down... But just go to suck it down and stick to rules. That's probably because I'm also partly selfish, putting my own interests before others. 

This placement, I'm gonna do fine right? I WANT/WOULD/DEFINITELY DO WELL. I'm gonna learn from my past mistakes and correct them. I would improve my EQ by observing others. I would be more passionate and proactive. I would learn to control my expression. I would be more friendly. I would not let my insecurities take over me. Prioritize and Efficient. 

There's so many things on my mind affecting me that I feel like I can't be happy. What happened to me? I used to be able to bury all my unhappiness so perfectly, now I'm all guilty and I hate myself. Maybe I don't even know what happened? I'm sick and tired of myself being like this honestly. I hate how all this damn circumstances, people reacting and how they are affecting me. I'm pissed off. I'm going to learn to chuck this aside, and concentrate on just being me, myself. 

26/04/2014 ... 寻找ing

Soon... I'll be graduating. I'm getting mixed feelings about it. Every decision come with a price and consequence. And I guess, I'll have to swallow that. It feels kind of empty deep down without going church. Honestly, I've already forgotten why I stopped going. Probably is that guilt, sins, inadequacy that stops me from doing so. I guess shit happens. Honestly, it feels kind of sucks that things ain't doing well for me... like all along. I wonder about my presence. Maybe if I put in a lil' more faith in myself and had more confidence about what I am doing. I'm at a cross road... Should I go back or should I find a new church? This would meant starting all over again and having to get used to a whole load of things. Going back would meant that I would have to explain for all my actions, and things would probably never be the same again. What would people think of me?... I'm just being myself and this needs to change. Not the first time I'm leaving. Such a bad habit. It's as equally as uncertain. I should probably start praying and ask God for directions. Felt as though I'm abandoned.

06/04/2014 人生的起起落落

应该是最后一次的难过，失望。在这一切一切的发生...我开始接受自己...并不是找到自己而是发掘内心的脆弱。要在每一次失败中，找到自己。每一次的过错，饶恕，原谅自己。看到自己的内心...对自己更好。我战胜不过自己的软弱，讨厌这样的自己。曾经那么相信自己，那么想要证明自己，我不明白现在我活着的意义... 也许当一个人找不到活着的理由...人生变的毫无目的...感觉消失也许也不错！

15/03/2014 So used to it...

How funny that blogging has become such a daily routine? Probably because I have no one to talk to except a virtual computer. How pathetic isn't it? Yesterday, I actually cried while doing work. Thoughts of myself being lonely and all just flooded in. Would anyone even be sad if I were to die? Sadly, there doesn't seemed to be a great way to die peacefully. It's normal to think of dying right? It has been really long since I last had such thoughts. I have no idea why it's resurfacing again. Every single time when I feel like dying, I try to single out my thoughts and think of the beautiful future I may have. That little hope. It's soon dying out. It's really sad how I look back into my life and realizes that nobody loves me. May be it's true about existentialism. We are born alone and die alone.

15/03/2014 ... emptiness

I've never felt so pressurized in my entire life. All the things that are directing at me. I just can't ignore. I really wished I didn't exist. Maybe I could just die. Never ever felt so helpless, unhappy. God, why did you send all these? Everything happens for a reason? This is POINTLESS. You're just making me feel a million times worst. Nothing can bring me back to where I was before. Things that have been done cannot be undone. I really wanna kill myself and make you feel guilty. Can I swallow some pills and never wake up? There are no tears left. I can't even bring myself to cry. I can't even talk to anyone. I don't trust anyone. Just wanna be alone. I feel so damn useless. This life is pointless. I can't help myself. I can't anyone. Just a fucking failure in life. Nothing's worst than all these happenings. I can't detach myself from all these emotions and thoughts. Why did you send me here? Why did you want me to go through all these? I fucking detest myself. It won't happened if I didn't... damn regret for all the decisions that I have made. If I were to have a power, it would be to make people disappear and listen to my orders. Then I can create my utopia world. Why can't I be like others? Why do you wanna make people suffer? Why? Why? Why? I can't feel my soul anymore. I'm just a living dead.

11/03/2014

一切的麻木與空白占据了心，
无法痊愈的伤疤不停的裂开，
心里不断涌现自己的脆弱
没有人看见，没有人知道
不停的走，不停的徘徊
似乎没有人发现那女孩
在流泪，在心碎
也许是雨水，
停止的时间，
却停止不了，
永恒的快乐。

身旁的人事物都将在有一天消失，
我为何留恋心中种种的酸甜苦辣，
即时知道我也会像雾一样，
消失在手指尖的那么一天，
却也抵不过对自己的猜疑。

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為什麼要給我一顆跳動的心臟 卻忘了給我 飛翔的翅膀？
為什麼要給我一顆跳動的心臟 又把我　丟在這寂寞戰場

這世界有多大我就有多徬徨
有沒有一點希望　讓我去闖　天涯海角　讓我去闖

-闖，五月天