28/12/2013 Paradise before 2014

Visuals from Krabi! It was a short but fulfilling 4 days 4 nights. Really enjoyed myself despite some unhappiness.

02/12/2013 DECEMBER WOES

My exam is ending on the 6th of December but I can't seemed to study well. I wonder if anyone has the same problem as me. Sometimes, I'm unsure if I'm secretly giving up on myself or am I just being myself? It somehow feels as though I've no motivation to study. I really don't see the point of myself studying. I know at the end of this, I get a degree. That's it. It doesn't really make any sense. All around me, my friends are really working hard. They strive for the A, and get really disappointed when they don't do well. I really understand because if you put in effort for something... you will feel upset since your expectations and hard work are not being reciprocated. But for me, I just do whatever I can... And how the results turn out to be, I accept it. Most of the time, I feel nothing. When I get B+, B, C+ ... I will be like... Ok. Move on. I wonder if there's anything wrong with me? Actually, ever since semester 1 of year 1, I have been contemplating to quit school and apply AOL. I have no idea what I am doing and I feel like I am wasting my time. For the past few semesters, I have been studying like a dead soul. Sometimes, I enjoy. Sometimes, I don't. I wished I could relate this to someone, but I look around and I can't really find someone I can talk to. Time is cruel. It's already the second last semester. I know it's crazy, but there are times, I had this crazy urge to go to the counseling unit and tell them about this problem. But, I just can't pick up the courage. I've got this lonely feeling in university because I felt I was different from everyone, but perhaps not? 

Anyway, I've kept this inside myself for pretty long. Maybe it's due to the insecurity of how lousy my GPA is. (IMO & FACT) I am in denial. I try to hide this pain. I try not to let anyone ask my GPA. I divert topic quickly. I feel like such a lousy and unworthy person because of my GPA. Every time people ask about, talk about, mention about grades, I feel like a knife cutting down my throat. I wished I possess the invisible cloak Harry Potter had and disappear from the world. I hate to say this... yes... my result is so lousy that it could land me nowhere and no opportunities. When people ask, ain't you going for exchange? I smiled and replied that I prefer staying in Singapore due to my social work commitment I had to during the 3 months. I LIED. Who doesn't want to go and experience a whole new world? I really hate to hide this fact. Whenever I had to answer queries or answers like this, my heart is literally bleeding. Is it better to tell people, "No lah... my results so lousy. That's why I cannot go exchange?" It's pointless and it only makes conversations awkward. I've had my fair share of struggle. I remembered months ago, this whole "GPA" thing was too much for me to take it. Whenever someone mentions about results, I felt like crying. I held back. I change topic really fast. Quite obvious. When exchange is mentioned, I would congratulate anyone but really feel like dying. (No offence to dear friends going exchange.) I "confessed" to my supervisor when she graded me a B- or B for my placement. (Not final result, but it just reminded me how shitty I am as a person.) I broke down, crying like a baby in front of a semi-stranger and used half box of tissues on the last day of my internship. (Yes, very long since I broke down in front of someone. I did so because my supervisor reminded me of someone really dear to me.) I remembered all that flashed across my mind was how terrible I am. I could not fare well in anything. I realized there was nothing I could do well to prove myself. I still remembered during year 1, I was so excited about everything. I kept all the exchange brochures in a file. I pinned up pictures and motivating quotes. However, I was so wronged. Disappointments after disappointments came like a tsunami. It was then I discovered how shallow I was. I didn't know how to go about doing anything. I don't even know how to pay my school fees. I didn't know how to go for exchanges? It was at one point that I felt... I'm really like a tiny shell in this whole ocean. My friends kept telling me about opportunities and I just didn't know what to do. I nodded but I didn't know what was going on. I tried to study but there was too much information. I lacked discipline. I did well in subjects I put in least effort. I did poorly for those I invested efforts in. I didn't know what to do. I'm so at a loss. Sometimes, I wished all this could come to an end. Year 3 and still struggling with all these shitty stuff...

And perhaps, I'm not as valuable as compared to others. I do love Social Work and everything about it. It might be the best decision I make in university. It makes me depress when people don't get it, & I can't help but struggle within myself to make out of all these. Am I doing the right thing? 

P.S: Sorry for such a depressing post. 

30 November 2013

4:48AM

Lately, my biological clock has been screwed up. My revision has been going bad too. I cannot make sense of what I am doing at 21. I read somewhere that if your blog is full of sadness and misfortune incidents and bitter stuff, you might regret one day. It is because you will look back and only find unhappiness. I was pondering about that and I can't seemed to think of any happy things that I would like to document down. The above photos are pretty happy looking. I'm sorry if they look so photoshopped cause I used photowonder! (: 

What's this insomnia? Really can't seemed to fall asleep. There's a lot of things lately in my mind. I'm glad and not, both at the same time. Blessed & cursed. Have been pondering about self-worth, life, existence, meaning, light & all. Sometimes, I really wished I don't think that much... Maybe life would be easy on me. Maybe, I would learn to take my setbacks lightly. At times, I wonder why things happen. They happen for a reason, but what? I wished the night would last longer so they would give me more time to think. When the dawn breaks, it feels like a new day and everyone starts moving, doing their own thing. I prefer the night when I'm awake, and everyone else is asleep. It feels like the only time where I can be alone, catching up with my own thoughts, my own pace, my own world. 

The stillness of a night. The world is calmer, quieter. I feel so calm & secure. Peace becomes eternal. It's the same kind of feeling you get when you watch someone sleeps. Even when your enemy or someone you hate fall asleep... Everything else fall into place. During the night, I find my trouble dissolve like snow into water. It disappears like it never happened. Time become still. You have a moment to react. How amazing that each moment... something happens around this world. A new life is born, an old soul departs. Life doesn't seemed to end. What would happen to me? Like an drama unfolds... I honestly find my life mundane. I don't know if I belonged here on earth or if my existence brings a difference to someone's life. You? You? You? I can't make out my own life. Neither smart nor talented, pretty nor gorgeous, my heart isn't that beautiful. Am I trying to fit into this world? I'm  nothing but a small little speck of dust, like the midst in the rain, as insignificant as an ant? Am I worthy enough to be living here? Am I contributing to the society? It's weird, but sometimes I feel like people dislike me. Probably. My entire life seemed to be trying to please people, but not myself. It's tiring. People never seemed to be happy. When will I learn to be content? Everyone is struggling hard enough... why won't they make others life better? 

许多梦想终编制太美 ，跟著迎接幻灭。

23/11/2013 A Time For Everything in the World

1/11/2013 Shopping

Yes! I have this ritual or rather pampering habit for myself after every submission of assignment or project! I'm so thankful how near my favorite mall, Vivo, is so near to my school! Every time I feel upset/tired/angsty/moody/happy... I would definitely shop away! It makes me feel much better. Even without talking to someone. Actually, I don't even know how to articulate my problems! I have zero problems! Too chill for anything! Maybe I don't really magnify my problems & I have quite good coping mechanism which is shopping. I love how it makes my mind wonder off and I'm so determined to get my buy worth it. Comparing prices, material, etc... I can thoroughly ignore the world and fully put my heart, soul, mind, strength into shopping. If only all these could be channelled into my academic! :( 

I don't even know why I do so badly in university. I wouldn't even say I'm average! Maybe like bottom 5% kind? Whatever it is... I know this is just a hurdle in life. I'm sure life has more in store for me. Even though sometimes I tear a little thinking about my own academics, what can I do right? I mean it's there! All I can do is probably work harder NOW. And make sure I don't disappoint myself. After all, good or bad doesn't mean who I am is being belittled... No? I am not less because of my grades. So gonna heads up and move on... 

28/10/2013 One More Month/One Less Semester

Wondering why I'm always so tired. But hey... just a few more days, a few more weeks to freedom, to Christmas. I can't even... I'm having such a bad time in school & it makes me even more weary than before. I'm wearing out and I'm so tired. I know I can do all these... I can. All these indescribable invisible scars. Let me go through these whole process and know that I am much stronger. From today onward, let me love the library as if it is my own children. I don't want to go through another semester seeing all the demoralizing grades again. I just want to live my life. It's so painful to see these things how the world see, and I refuse too. I just would like to live and see what I want to. Please, close my eyes. God, grant my wish. Probably, I have lived an entire life, thinking that my grades would bring me far but no. It only brought misery and loneliness upon me. I start losing people. I start becoming not who I want to be. I start to question my self. I start to self doubt and criticize. I am not who I am, I am also not who you think I am.

17/10/2013 Midnight Monsters

Or maybe I'm just a sour bitch who doesn't deserved to be love? I feel really sad. I'm sorry it spiraled this way... But mostly, I feel like nobody appreciates me.  It's like nobody likes me. Nobody enjoy my presence. Nobody loves me. Mostly? I feel so lonely. Whenever I'm out, I see people with ringing messages, flooding whatsappes while my phone just remained empty... Like it doesn't even need to be charged? I hate nights like this when I feel absolutely worthless. Can I even get a tinge of hope that my presence is important to someone? I am clueless. Sometimes I want a boyfriend badly. It's a turmoil inside whenever people mention/talks about boys/boyfriend/eye candy. I'm like turning into an awkward tortoise inside me. I really wished a black hole would just sucked me to planet XYZ so I could avoid it. I know it's simply wrong to want to have one to fill that empty void. But ain't that worth it, at least, half the void would be filled? At least I wouldn't need to have so many lunches alone? At least I wouldn't need to pretend to be cool that I didn't have one & that God timing is perfect. Who am I kidding? I'm freaking turning 22 soon. P.s: My mom gave birth to me when she was 23. Soon my biological clock would fail me and I probably would end up giving birth to kids with defects? People around me are getting hitched, flirted by, blah blah... I don't even have an interesting story to tell... ! I don't even have anyone coming forward to tell me I'm gorgeous and they are interested to know me. My social circle is pathetically small! I'm honestly, truthfully worried for my future. I'm really lying when I said I'm patient. I know I'm not perfect and God, why can't I fall and learn along the way? Just give me a heartbreak & I would appreciate the final one! My anxious heart wouldn't stop longing for a secure belonging. Please teach me your ways and calm my waves of anxiety. 

11/10/2013 Are you truly happy?

The past few days has been great until I screw up by being late. I really feel apologetic... and this is something I really shouldn't commit again. I really have no idea how I'm going out to work with all these bad habits. Most of the times, I just want to do what I love and everything, like the world works around my needs. But, the cruel reality is that NO... I have to meet the needs of blah blah blah. I'm like constantly tired... oh God, I need a new life.

30/09/2013 M.O.N.D.A.Y

Once again, the most dreaded, dreaded, dreaded Mondays are back again. Well, it wasn't a good start with me this sleepyhead being late and missing my very first lecture. I'm sorry (to my lecturer)! Anyway, this is so getting a toll on me. Next few days, I must must must mug hard and chiong for my assignment and upcoming exam. I'm feeling so guilty that I have not started on my SOM. I totally feel like SU-ing it but NOOO. I'm only taking 3 modules. It would be like a total waste to use it? 

On a brighter note, I'm back to BLOGGING. It feels good because it's like I have a friend to talk to about what happened to me in the day. Old friend found! Honestly, it felt kind of pathetic but hey... blogging really makes me feel better. I have been blogging during my secondary school and JC days but somehow stopped during my university days! I guess I couldn't catch up with work and was feeling so drained from everything. 

There's a lot of thing I would like to write on my blog! May be I would do that after my Science of Music exam! #goanddiescienceofmusic 

1:07AM! HELLO OCTOBER. PLEASE BE A GOOD MONTH! :) I promise I will love you like how I love every March. 

Maybe I will have a start of list like what to do for each month? 

• Shopping with friends (Actually no... cause I haven't bought any clothes!)
• Mayday Nowhere Concert (3D)
• Iseki Sushi buffet! 
• Lose 3 kg! 

29/09/2013 Lovely Sunday

Have I mentioned how our life has been so healthy ever since the presence of Teddy Chow! Thanks to the presence of a four-legged fur friend, now we all have to slogged out every Sunday to bring her to park to interact with people and other fur friends. Talk about responsibility. I really enjoy my Sunday now as compared to the past few years where they are just wasted by me lying in bed for hours. Because of Teddy, family outings has been more regular than before! Thanks to Teddy, we got to interact with more people and dog lovers. Bishan park has been our favourite park! The environment, the lush greenery, the friendly pet owners, pet-friendly restaurants, ... everything about it! :) Fingers crossed I won't meet anyone or any incident that makes me have a second opinion about it. Teddy loves bishan park too! It's a bonus and she loves roaming around the mini dog park since she doesn't run that much.

BEFORE THIS: Teddy was at the vet due to scratches from her eyes. Initially we thought it was flea... (Forgive us! We are first time pet owners!) We went really paranoid and all but in the end it was due to Teddy itchy fingers which caused her injury. Thank God it wasn't that serious! :)
Something which makes me super upset and super mad is the freaking receptionist. Every single time we visit the vet, he would start telling us how hard it is to raise Chow Chow, and how difficult it is to train Chow Chow, cannot pamper her if not she will bite us and all...  Once and for all, SHUT UP! I am raising my dog and I know her jolly well better than you do. Everyone that saw Teddy knows she is such a kind-hearted, soft and gentle Chow Chow. I'm really not lying. Many times I have brought her out and she has been attacked by other smaller dog breeds. The thing is Teddy didn't even retaliate, she just backed away when being threatened and bitten. No Bark at ALL. The last time we went there, the receptionist continued his stereotyping of Chow Chow...

'This kind of dog very hard to train.' I just ignored him. I'm already very nice by not asking him to shut up. What this kind of dog? Did I go around stereotyping you? Like bald, fat, ugly, hairy, blah blah blah...? Maybe you bite too? Then please kindly keep quiet and keep your mouth to yourself. We do not need you to come and teach us how to raise Teddy?

Anyway, it is our third visit over there and every SINGLE TIME, he has to comment on Teddy. First time, he made such statements, it really scared us cause we were first time owners... but subsequently as we spent time training her and etc... Teddy really was a nice and wonderful dog we can ever have. Anyway, one last time, I am gonna change our vet. Even our vet commented on how nice Teddy is and she is the NICEST CHOW CHOW he has ever met! :)

Waiting patiently for Teddy's turn!

 Checking Teddy's bone! :) 

Happy Monday everyone! :) 

Maybe nobody reads this but feel free to share with me your pet experience?