17/10/2012 Thoughts That Last

In my place, in my place

Were lines that I couldn't change

I was lost, oh yeah 

I was lost, I was lost

Crossed lines I shouldn't have crossed

I was lost, oh yeah 

Yeah, how long must you wait for it?

Yeah, how long must you pay for it?

Yeah, how long must you wait for it?

For it...

I was scared, I was scared

Tired and under prepared

But I'll wait for it 

If you go, if you go

And leave me down here on my own

Then I'll wait for you 

Suddenly, this song speaks a lot to me. The lyrics just boomed and keep repeating itself in my mind. These few days, I'm really in a indescribable feeling. First of all, it's this feeling of losing myself. It really felt as if I lost everything and I'm back at square one again. I get this feeling a lot when I am extremely sad. It's as if I have gone down so deep, so far fetched that I cannot climb out of the pit anymore. It's felt as if I cannot go back to who I was yesterday. Sometimes when I get so depressed, I just sink into this deep sleep, wake up feeling like I lost my memory. Far too painful to be retrieved memory. Yet it has this characteristics of me being embraced. I feel so much. Some places and some nice memories and feelings just keep popping up, but I can only reach for them like the wind, sweeping through my fingers, slipping away as I watch it fades. Some people can only travel thus far. Nothing really lasts forever. I used to rely so much on people and etc... and now they just leave me one by one. Actually, I don't really know how I can carry on... this life just takes me by surprise. Even tears can't express how I'm feeling inside. All these changes are so big that I don't even know how to meet them. God, I'm so scared. Can you help me find myself back? I don't know where to start or end, it's so ... out of touch. I feel my soul getting detached from my body. The people that used to make me happy ain't there anymore. I feel like I'm going through a lot that I cannot understand.

16/10/2012 Let the Sun never dies

14/10/2012 I think I need a goal.

Once again, here comes the depressed girl. I know... it's like I'm forever feeling I'm depressed and all. I can't help but to feel sad... Often, it just struck me that I'm really lonely and everything. Just really, hating this feeling and I do not want it to override my own life, nor do I want it to take control of my life. Really must learn to start to be happier and to plan well. What makes it worst is that I'm SICK! Down with terrible flu and etc... Life is really horrible. I don't even want to be on social media anymore. It makes me sick. Everything makes me sick. I have to meet Lily to explain everything to her. It makes me even more discouraged. Life is already so discouraging. I thought year 2 would be better but, hell no.

30/09/2012 Everybody's Gotta Learn Sometime

Change your heart

Look around you

Change your heart

It will astound you

I need your lovin'

Like the sunshine

Everybody's gotta learn sometime

Everybody's gotta learn sometime

Everybody's gotta learn sometime

Change your heart

Look around you

Change your heart

Will astound you

I need your lovin'

Like the sunshine

Everybody's gotta learn sometime

Everybody's gotta learn sometime

Everybody's gotta learn sometime

I need your lovin'

Like the sunshine

Everybody's gotta learn sometime

Everybody's gotta learn sometime

Everybody's gotta learn sometime

Everybody's gotta learn sometime

Everybody's gotta learn sometime

Everybody's gotta learn sometime

Everybody's gotta learn sometime

Everybody's gotta learn sometime

25/09/2012 Love Yourself

Thanks to SW3105, I got the chance to go down to certain areas to survey the residents. I did something similar before in JC, and I find the experience quite enriching. It's really going down to the midst of people to ask them what they need. Even though I'm not a social worker yet, I really look forward to what I can do and etc... It's ok, might be exaggeration, but it's like the best job to me. Being able to help, yet receiving some form of monetary reward from it. Other than the monetary reward also comes the fruitfulness when you see others becoming better, and helping themselves. However much I said here, I seemed not being able to handle my own relationships with people around me. I guess after all these years, your perceptions of the person kind of remain fix. Put that aside. 

Has anybody wondered how beautiful and amazing life is? No matter who we are or what we do, there lies great strength in us. Just today, I've witness people from the lower income family surviving on only $500 per month yet finding means and ways to cope. God is great in his own ways... We are all so different and all. Sometimes I find it hard to grasp the understanding of how different each and everyone is made. We go to same school, same exams, same friends, same teachers, same values and etc... In the past, I've always felt we are trapped in a rat race education, and identity is formed if you are among the best in your results or talent. I've always wanted to prove to parents and people that I am good and smart and all, but to be honest, I failed terribly. I've never been the best, like top 20 kind, neither am I good in any talents or sports, in fact, a quitter. My goal in life is always based on how would others look at me... or how can I improve myself to please others. I was never happy. Never. Now looking back at my 20 years of life... it is really pathetic as I could describe. I never found who I was. All my blog posts were always soul-searching, trying to find meaning, trying to know who am truly is. In the end, I found no answers that could satisfy that inner desires. It's an empty void which I attempt to fill with the wrong things. It's just like I'm always using the wrong keys to unlock the door to a wide, breathtaking meadow field where I gain enlightenment. 

Just today, I have decided. It is really tiring and exhausting to do that. I have had enough. The constant struggles to prove how good I am, so what? Nobody ever thinks I am good, or find that I am that intelligent or capable, or etc... I don't think my friends think of me as that great and all. I may not be the smartest friend, prettiest girl, talented girl, helpful girl and etc... In life, there's always someone ahead of you, no matter what you do. Just be yourself. If this is your limit, accept it. If this is how much you can help, accept it. If this is how much you can tolerate, accept it. If this is where you stands, accept it. 

Accepting yourself is the first step to liberation of your own soul. You can never be happier than who you truly are when you learn to accept yourself. When you know you have tried your best, that's it. Nobody can blame you for what the results are. If you tried your best, and still did not attain that A1 you were suppose to get, fine. Your parents, teachers might be upset, your friends might look down on you... This is exactly who you are. Nobody can try as hard and attain the same results as you. Our abilities are all so different. Can we have 2 exact brain...? If you tried your best and this is what you can achieve, celebrate! Rejoice! No matter what the outcome may be, you are better than who you are yesterday because you learnt what is perseverance. Perseverance forms character! 

Next is find your identity in God. We please no one, or rather we can never please anyone. I've the hard way, suffered 20 years in trying so hard just to gain nothing. Correct yourself now. Embrace who you are, and start to please God. He delights in us when we do that. 

17/09/2012 Old Times seemed like the Best Times.

I was browsing through my old cards and letters and notes and etc... Just felt an instant warm in my heart. I am not who I am yesterday. I guess people changes, for the better or for the worst, I am unsure. But what I'm certain is the innocence we held yesterday. As we grow older, there seemed to be so many knowledge we gained, but from there grow doubts, insecurities, questions, and etc... I've always thought by becoming smarter is indeed makes me higher than other people, but what makes us people and all is really humanity. The art of humanity is totally a separate thing from knowledge. Is there really such things like us being smarter? Therefore, rights over somebody else? No. I want to learn to be more humble. I want to learn to be more compassionate. Somehow, I've felt I lost the zest for life. I've lost how it feels like to be surrounded by love. I keep thinking, I've lost love ever since I lost him. God, won't you strengthen me today, help me to see the love around me. Help me to feel the love. Help me to experience and believe in Your love this day. There is no time to hesitate. Some things when gone, would not come back... But I want to believe You come chasing for me, despite my resistance and sinful nature. I always want to try finding back myself, but no... how can people find back themselves? We might be the same person, but we changes. Am I still the same today, yesterday, and forever? I might be happier tomorrow, but sadder the day after. Things doesn't remain.

16/09/2012 Vicissitudes of Life.

Another week past... and I am really lost. Without any motivation, I really have no idea. Sometimes, I want to trust in God. Like in JC... I really don't know if I surrendered myself to Him, or I'm just ignorant about the results. All good and perfect gifts come from God. I feel really unsure. Deep, down, bottom of my heart, it is always a struggle to want to trust, and believe. Human is weak in the heart. I want to learn to trust, to let go. I want to learn to love. I want to learn how to lean on someone, and not on my own strengths.

08/09/2012 Wow Chase/The Day I had honey & flour in my hair.

11/09/2012 You'll Come

I'll start with a thanksgiving! PTL! Praise The Lord! :) I'm so thankful for the salvations and rededication during the WOW CHASE event! Never have I thought that there would be salvation and I'm thankful that the Lord used me as a group leader. Despite the frustrations and wrong perceptions, I do hope I did a good job at that event! :) 

I was contemplating if I should go to the NUS cell ministry today. Was feeling the similar dejecting feeling about cell and worrying if I can manage my workload. The lord spoke to me this morning. As I was doing my daily devotion, I was given this verse.

Hebrews 10

²³ Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess,for he who promised is faithful. ²⁴ And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, ²⁵ not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

So I chucked aside my feelings, and bravely attended the cell meeting. Sound so dramatic though! I received revelations from the meetings. The words I received were really comforting. A senior prayed for me, and she saw a living water, like a meander where the river flows... I can just draw from the living water like spiritual wisdom, strength and all! I feel really comforted and thankful. Much when I needed it. 

Another cell sister prayed for me and her words is that I don't need to conform to the world... ! I don't need to do anything or say anything and my identity lies in God. When I heard it, I felt really glad and thankful. These few days I felt really stressed from needing to affirm myself and all. I'm just so grateful for these anointed words that spoke deep down into my heart.

08/09/2012 Time Wasted which you Enjoyed.

Week4... but what have you been doing Shu Ting. I have been depressed lately, but well it's a temporal feeling. Finally gotten over it, but it did cost me time and effort. Instead of studying, I spent time mulling over NOTHING. Yes, nothing. Girls. Anyway, it has been a week. I can't even remember what I did, and I have zero ideas on what to do for my revision. All I can remember is me being really tired. I shall try to recall.

Monday: Start of another mundane week. I thank God, and praise God that I manage to make good friends in my SS module. For every module I had to go alone or the need to have project work, God will always remain faithful and put friends around me! Sometimes being in a big school like that where companion is important, these minor stuffs can mean a lot. I'm really thankful for His protection and peace over me. During the introduction class, I got to know how people in NUS are full of aspirations. Some people might be materialistic and all, but I appreciate the individuality and uniqueness of every human. I'm very amazed at how our lives can differ so much. I really believe we can all undergo the same experiences but nobody ever goes through his or her life feeling the exact same feelings. In awe of the human spirit.

Tuesday: I got to know my classmate better. I didn't know there's a church exist in the cinema. Next time when I go watch movie, I will pray over the place! I got a chance to catch up with Lily. Thankful for her because she helps me to look at things in a new perspective. Even though it can be scary or rather intimidating, but it is always a good chance to expose myself to a whole new angle. I love the way she analyise my sitatuation. In the end, I learnt not to be so narrow-minded.

Wednesday: Slept at home like the whole day.

Thursday: Nothing much.

Friday: Met up with my cell leader! So thankful and grateful to her too! Every single time I meet her, I will always fill her with my problems. Not all, but at least all the important ones. Maybe, I should really pray more to God about my own identity issues. The jealousy and insecurity must go away! "_" She never fails to help me look from the strength perspective! Hoping and praying that we could still catch up in future, despite her moving on to the adult. People leaving and all are just part and parcel of life. That does not mean we do not see them, but keep them in prayers and even find effort and time to maintain the relationship.
Met up with my 2 dear friends for dinner in the night!

Ate at Udders and Seoul Yummy!