08/03/2016

It has been ages since I have decided to pen down my thoughts. There are certain days where I would like to grow up to face against my insecurities and envy. These are not Godly and I am fully aware that I should not feel this way. Work has been rough, especially in view of so many high case loads and difficult.

I think these are the days I should surrender to God... Also, I have not been doing anything productive. With that said, it is already March. I need injections in my life. :'( Growing up to be sad every single day.

03/05/2015 Trusting in Him again

It's been a while since I blogged. I used to blog about everything under the sun but as I grow older... things have changed and I have become so much more self-centered about my own needs and feelings. The main purpose of this post is really to ventilate and to declare, make a commitment to come back to God.


For the past one year, I have not been attending church. It's been such a long time that I hardly recall why I left in the first place. Having been attending church faithfully for four years or so... there were many times when I really doubted God, I doubted myself, I doubted the world, my self-existence. I couldn't reconcile with all the bible knowledge I had... I just couldn't. Gone were the child-like faith... prayers have become self-centered around my own needs, my own wants and not what God had destined me and prepared me for. I let the devil plant seed in my own life to go wayward towards the path that leads to destruction.

During the times when I have left God, I know I was not myself. It just doesn't feel right. Most of the time, I am wrestling with myself. I keep doing the things I know that would disappoint myself and also God. I tried to play with the rebellious side of me, played with fire to get myself hurt cause I thought I wouldn't have a chance to do all these things if I am a Christian. The more I tried to do these things, the more I felt hurt. With time, all these hurts and guilt starts to build up... All these little dark corners in my life starts to eat me up mentally and physically. I call them "little monsters". They consumed me inside out, leaving myself without a soul. For the past one year, I feel nothing but a living dead. I have become someone I hated so much myself. I tried to cover up with things, tried to live a more proper life with a living motto without God, But I had nowhere to go... I was lost. During my job search, I was without God. I felt I made the choice to oust God out of my life. (Hmm... sounds like I'm a big shot here.) I tried and wanted to push God away. I thought I could live a life without him like the rest of the non-believers.

But it didn't help. My issues, my fears, my loneliness, my problems... they still existed. In fact, I became worst. I didn't know myself anymore.

As I shared with my previous cell leader, it is indeed a huge step and making the decision to come back to God is the first step. I have too many logical doubts and I may not even receive answers till the day I meet God. But here I am... I have to put aside every doubts and with faith, to come back and receive God's Love.

I think it fears me to some extent that I am such a sinner, yet God still wants to love me despite all these things. For such a gracious God to love a sinner like me, I have no other words. I know I have a long way for God to work with these issues in me... I know He would be with me through it all. The first step of little baby steps of Faith.

15/03/2015: Artsy Sunday

29/09/2014 Job Offers

Remember few weeks back I was fretting over job interviews... Right now, I'm in the midst of evaluating my options and opportunities. After going for a few interviews, offers have been coming in to tell me that I have been selected. This is of course, extremely good news! However, this also meant that I need to be careful and prudent in weighing my options well before stepping into the corporate world. After all, I believe that a good head-start will definitely bring me far. I'm already looking forward to starting work and the purchasing power that comes along with it. I am starting another chapter of my life and in the midst of transiting. There bound to be changes and challenges but I'm feeling ever ready what lies ahead. :) 

27/09/2014 Sembawang Dog Park

As all dog lovers might have know... a new dog park has officially opened! It's really heartening to know the government and authorities have taken note of the need for our furry friends to have their own space to make friends and enjoy themselves. Well, all the north-ners are now able to hang out together without the need to travel far for their furry friends to enjoy. Yes, I'm talking about the newly opened SEMBAWANG PARK. 

As you can see, Teddy enjoys the DOG PARK A LOT. I think this is the first time we see her chasing other dogs. But she's still pretty reserved and lazy! After running around for 10 minutes and exploring 1/10 of the dog park... she would rest under the bench for the rest of the time and oblivious to all the things happening around her. It's pretty wonderful that Teddy gets to meet a chow-spitz. Hopefully, we get to meet more chow chows to see Teddy's reaction. :) 

Do take note the dog park closes at night! So be sure to bring your furry friends around morning to evening. It's sad that they didn't build any water facilities in the dog park... Hopefully they would enhance the place and build more benches and dog obstacles for both owners and dogs. The park is about 2,700sqm! Unlike Bishan Dog Park, sembawang only has one area for all dogs to run around. 
Other than that, I also wished to see more dog cafes opening to make the place more vibrant and dog-friendly.

Teddy says bye!!!

26/03/2014 F for ...

I wonder what friends mean. 

From the internet,

a. a person with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically one exclusive of sexual or family relations.

I kind of forgotten how it feels like to have a good friend to understand you inside out. People come and go. That's true. But certain people just lives in your memory without leaving an inch. Maybe I'm too emotional. I do miss someone a lot as a friend. As I grow up, it's really sad to accept people leaving and how our life paths are going in divergence. It's getting further and further, I can't seemed to find anything common between us anymore. I don't know what to say. 

26/09/2014 Better Days to Come

Few weeks back, I was fretting about getting a job and not hearing from any organizations. Yet, right now... I am worrying about going for interviews. How interesting life works? Things happen exactly when you least expects it. I'm really thankful because I signed up with an agency accidentally and my job agent was able to link me up with different organizations immediately. I am working in the healthcare sector, thus I would definitely recommend any one who is looking for a job and finds it hard to really sign up with an agency. I'm unsure about if other jobs are that straightforward. I find that it is much easier, fuss-free and convenient to connect with an agent. My agent was extremely friendly and approachable. It also depends partially on your qualification and match with the job you applied for. For the next few weeks, I would be going for more interviews. Fingers crossed that I would do well and live a good impression with the HR and department head. :)

Beautiful piece of art piece I saw at Ion. Really loved it... but I have no idea why. Probably because the empty portion represents how I feel right now. Somehow... I always felt that some part of my life is missing and I'm holding on to a luggage in search of those pieces to fill up. It may be spiritual, it may be love... but I'm unsure. Life just feels incomplete. Actually, that's life. Maybe we would always be in search of something that cannot be found. 

Another beautiful art piece I saw at NUH. I just find this eco-green idea and architect blending well into the building. I loved how it made the place feels relaxed and calming. A place where you can ponder about life.

Set lunch from Ma Maison.

 I really enjoy the serenity of being able to break away from the busy hours of life and just tucked myself into this cozy cafe. I also loved the interior design of Ma Maison. It makes me feel as if I'm in a countryside cafe. I've learnt to appreciate small things in between life as it comes along. 

11/09/2014 Truth once in awhile...

Once in awhile,  I get really affected when I know of the truth and how my perceptions clashes with it. This is definitely not the first time, and am still highly affected emotionally. I dislike myself being like this. I want to bring myself out of this emotional state but I couldn't. I wished I could speak to someone who understands how I feel but I can't. I wished I could do something about it but I can't. I wished I could stop it but I can't. I feel so helpless cause it's out of my control to how other people do things especially people you love. I hate all these things but I can't do anything about it. I can only hide. You are not the same person I know anymore. I can't remember who you are to me?

15/08/2014 Last Minute Of Judgement

3 week of my unofficial graduate have passed. I am officially getting bored, bored, bored. I've never really told anyone what I have in mind yet. Actually, I am confused myself. On one hand, I have to work because I have to pay my school loans. On the other side, I just am unsure of what I want in life. This is probably the result of our education in Singapore and what many other faces right after they graduate. I am not saying the majority of Singaporeans are like me, but I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels this way. My parents/My school/My blah blah blah used to say I have to get a degree, graduate, get a good job/life. The outcome of this... staying stuck and unhappy for the rest of your life. Many don't really question what makes them happy and passionate. I am feeling so frustrated because after 18 years of education, I have no idea what I have learnt or want in life. I am left feeling lost, like what's next? The real fact is that I have been letting others direct my life. I have never experienced anything that truly ignite a sparks or passion in my life (social work, maybe once or twice?) 

Then again, it doesn't mean I have no dream or aspiration. It happens that they are really fleeting and I truly question if I love any of them. By writing down, I hope I narrow down what I really want and be. 

When I was 5, I wanted to be a SINGER. 

When I was 6, I wanted to be a TEACHER.

When I was 9, I wanted to be a FASHION DESIGNER.

When I was 12, I wanted to be an ARTIST.

When I was 16, I wanted to be a KOREAN IDOL. 

When I was 16, I wanted to be a CHILDCARE TEACHER.

When I was 17-20, I felt really lost. 

When I was 21, I wanted to be a SOCIAL WORKER. 

When I was 22, I wanted to be a whatever-job-position-that-makes-me-rich.

When I was 5, I wanted to be a SINGER.

- Whenever I sing, the glass breaks. 

When I was 6, I wanted to be a TEACHER.

- I really enjoyed role-playing as a teacher and tuition my siblings. Probably because I'm the oldest and smarter. 

When I was 9, I wanted to be a FASHION DESIGNER.

- I love drawing. I started playing with those paper cut barbie dolls when you can change their outfits. I would have a sketchbook and draw all my dresses design in it. Wished I kept them though. :'( They were lost in the shop. Truth is, I told my parents I wanted to be a designer, but they told me to be realistic and become doctor/lawyer... . Designer doesn't get you far.

When I was 13, I wanted to be an ARTIST.

- I scored pretty well in ART. Yes, art don't get you far and nobody appreciates what you draw unless you're smart. 

When I was 15, I wanted to be a INTERIOR DESIGNER. 

- I was super fascinated by the beautiful homes you see overseas. I would read books and magazines about home, played online games to design your own room. I would draw and study home plan. 

I stopped telling anyone about my dreams because people shoot down whatever you say. I've learnt the hard truth, even the people closest to you. They are not supportive. It's a lie when they say your parents support whatever you do. I dare to bet that my parents would not support my education if I were to study in NAFA. 

When I was 16, I wanted to be a KOREAN IDOL. 

- Yes, I was obsessed with K-WAVE. Speak about TVXQ. I am a hard-core KPOP FAN. 

When I was 16, I wanted to be a CHILDCARE TEACHER.

- Wow, little did I know I had to make a decision soon. My O Level result weren't that bad, it could bring me quite a lot of place. I told my parents I wanted to study childcare at Ngee Ann Polytechnic but they told me to try studying at JC. So I did. Unfortunately, I got into Nanyang Junior College. Rest is history. 

When I was 17-20, I felt really lost. 

- During my JC years were the darkest period of my life, I didn't know what I was doing and all the time I was unhappy. I was crying almost every night, regretting my decision each and everyday. I still remember vividly the first day I came back from JC crying, telling my parents I want to quit. There were times during my JC years when I woke up from my sleep in tears, not remembering what I was doing for that two years. I wanted that memory to disappear so much. I really didn't want to acknowledge this part of my life. Maybe the pain was too unbearable. 

When I was 21, I wanted to be a SOCIAL WORKER. 

- After I entered church, met many nice cell leaders who inspire me especially one particular leader. To be honest, I have chosen social worker because I failed to meet the criteria for my psychology exposure module. As simple as that, doors were shutting because I ain't smart enough to qualify. It wasn't that bad. I enjoyed social work modules and looked forward to each and every one of them because they teach me a lot whether it's the professor, clients, fieldtrips, projects and etc... . Through social work, I have also met lots of wonderful friends who are so inspiring and lovely. 

When I was 22, I wanted to be a whatever-job-position-that-makes-me-rich.

- After graduated, I really have no idea what I want do. As much as I want to be become a social worker, which is obviously, the most ideal path... many factors are holding me back.

13/08/2014 12.14 P.M

How do I even start? So many things happened within a short span of half a year. I got so busy that I didn't have time to sit down and ponder about my next stage of life. You can say this is a major transition. I have officially graduated. And there's just so many thoughts filled in my mind. I feel so choked up with my own thoughts and emotions... . I wished I could escape from it but where can I go? Where do I even start? This abyss of darkness filled with my own emotions. I feel like I cannot climb out of it. Just two days after I handed up my portfolio, I actually wanted to cry because I am just so loss at what to do. Putting up my resume, sending them, going for interviews and etc... I just have no idea how to do all these are going to work out.

Have I given up on church? What does church comprises of? God, Faith? When I said I have given up, I have no concrete answer to what I have exactly given up? Is it my faith? My attendance? God? Because I have dedicated my whole youth into church and believing in everything spoken to my mind. I have now immensely struggled daily about my current perceptions and always questioning who I am, how I feel. It is difficult becoming a non-christian again. Imagine the embarrassment I have to go through when I see ex-church friends, cell group and people? Or maybe they don't bother about me either. Every day is a struggle about my own faith and perceptions of who I really am to how I want to set my boundaries to be. For example, being rich. Yes, I know I cannot serve two masters. God. or. Money. I know there are many exceptions and theories such as you still can have money but enough? Or God doesn't ask for you to be left with nothing because he provides. #Fliptomatthew Next, LGBT communties. Initially it was such a great struggle confronting this whole issue? I felt like the whole time I was being brainwashed to hold such an extreme stand. Now that I'm no longer a Christian, I'm starting to have such double standards and I hated myself. All the time, I kept thinking I was sinning and once I am accepting of them, I have committed a heinous crime. But yet again, I remind myself I am not. Now that I am seeing a lot of things in a new light and perspective, I am gaining a lot yet also losing.

Even throughout my whole span of Christian living, I have questioned my own purpose of existence. Still, no amount of prayers, bible-reading, seeking of God, fellowship could solve this mystery in me. This growing abyss of soul-searching has gone so much deeper. Nothing could fill it up. It dawned on me how people around the world can actually live without knowing what their purpose is?