It's been a while since I blogged. I used to blog about everything under the sun but as I grow older... things have changed and I have become so much more self-centered about my own needs and feelings. The main purpose of this post is really to ventilate and to declare, make a commitment to come back to God.
For the past one year, I have not been attending church. It's been such a long time that I hardly recall why I left in the first place. Having been attending church faithfully for four years or so... there were many times when I really doubted God, I doubted myself, I doubted the world, my self-existence. I couldn't reconcile with all the bible knowledge I had... I just couldn't. Gone were the child-like faith... prayers have become self-centered around my own needs, my own wants and not what God had destined me and prepared me for. I let the devil plant seed in my own life to go wayward towards the path that leads to destruction.
During the times when I have left God, I know I was not myself. It just doesn't feel right. Most of the time, I am wrestling with myself. I keep doing the things I know that would disappoint myself and also God. I tried to play with the rebellious side of me, played with fire to get myself hurt cause I thought I wouldn't have a chance to do all these things if I am a Christian. The more I tried to do these things, the more I felt hurt. With time, all these hurts and guilt starts to build up... All these little dark corners in my life starts to eat me up mentally and physically. I call them "little monsters". They consumed me inside out, leaving myself without a soul. For the past one year, I feel nothing but a living dead. I have become someone I hated so much myself. I tried to cover up with things, tried to live a more proper life with a living motto without God, But I had nowhere to go... I was lost. During my job search, I was without God. I felt I made the choice to oust God out of my life. (Hmm... sounds like I'm a big shot here.) I tried and wanted to push God away. I thought I could live a life without him like the rest of the non-believers.
But it didn't help. My issues, my fears, my loneliness, my problems... they still existed. In fact, I became worst. I didn't know myself anymore.
As I shared with my previous cell leader, it is indeed a huge step and making the decision to come back to God is the first step. I have too many logical doubts and I may not even receive answers till the day I meet God. But here I am... I have to put aside every doubts and with faith, to come back and receive God's Love.
I think it fears me to some extent that I am such a sinner, yet God still wants to love me despite all these things. For such a gracious God to love a sinner like me, I have no other words. I know I have a long way for God to work with these issues in me... I know He would be with me through it all. The first step of little baby steps of Faith.
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