18/05/2014 Thankful

Week and months have passed.. Looking back, I guess 'Thankful' is the right word. Despite not going back for so long, it does feel like I haven't left. It feels so homely yet strange simultaneously. The only thing I could do now might be to trust that there's a pathway out of my own feelings and not cause a nuisance to everyone. Maybe I'm thinking too much. 

11/05/2014 Last Day to Freedom/One Less Day to Worry about Real Job

Official days of freedom are over. I have watched a movie, ticked. Shopping, ticked. More shopping ticked. Ramen cravings, ticked.

For the next 10 weeks, I'm going to commit myself fully to internship. For the previous placement, I did not perform well. Didn't really know what to expect as an intern. Let the past be past. Sometimes, I wonder about... things I do, things I said. Have you thought so too? Doing stupid mistakes, asking gravely deadly questions. I have been living my life according to what I want, how I want and that's probably the biggest mistake. I understood and came to terms that life is about sucking up to people around you. Being humble, acknowledging you are nothing. Of course, that's not just being a suck up and good-for-nothing. Got to have brains and ideas too. I hate it a lot when my ideas are being shot down... But just go to suck it down and stick to rules. That's probably because I'm also partly selfish, putting my own interests before others. 

This placement, I'm gonna do fine right? I WANT/WOULD/DEFINITELY DO WELL. I'm gonna learn from my past mistakes and correct them. I would improve my EQ by observing others. I would be more passionate and proactive. I would learn to control my expression. I would be more friendly. I would not let my insecurities take over me. Prioritize and Efficient. 

There's so many things on my mind affecting me that I feel like I can't be happy. What happened to me? I used to be able to bury all my unhappiness so perfectly, now I'm all guilty and I hate myself. Maybe I don't even know what happened? I'm sick and tired of myself being like this honestly. I hate how all this damn circumstances, people reacting and how they are affecting me. I'm pissed off. I'm going to learn to chuck this aside, and concentrate on just being me, myself. 

26/04/2014 ... 寻找ing

Soon... I'll be graduating. I'm getting mixed feelings about it. Every decision come with a price and consequence. And I guess, I'll have to swallow that. It feels kind of empty deep down without going church. Honestly, I've already forgotten why I stopped going. Probably is that guilt, sins, inadequacy that stops me from doing so. I guess shit happens. Honestly, it feels kind of sucks that things ain't doing well for me... like all along. I wonder about my presence. Maybe if I put in a lil' more faith in myself and had more confidence about what I am doing. I'm at a cross road... Should I go back or should I find a new church? This would meant starting all over again and having to get used to a whole load of things. Going back would meant that I would have to explain for all my actions, and things would probably never be the same again. What would people think of me?... I'm just being myself and this needs to change. Not the first time I'm leaving. Such a bad habit. It's as equally as uncertain. I should probably start praying and ask God for directions. Felt as though I'm abandoned.

06/04/2014 人生的起起落落

应该是最后一次的难过，失望。在这一切一切的发生...我开始接受自己...并不是找到自己而是发掘内心的脆弱。要在每一次失败中，找到自己。每一次的过错，饶恕，原谅自己。看到自己的内心...对自己更好。我战胜不过自己的软弱，讨厌这样的自己。曾经那么相信自己，那么想要证明自己，我不明白现在我活着的意义... 也许当一个人找不到活着的理由...人生变的毫无目的...感觉消失也许也不错！

15/03/2014 So used to it...

How funny that blogging has become such a daily routine? Probably because I have no one to talk to except a virtual computer. How pathetic isn't it? Yesterday, I actually cried while doing work. Thoughts of myself being lonely and all just flooded in. Would anyone even be sad if I were to die? Sadly, there doesn't seemed to be a great way to die peacefully. It's normal to think of dying right? It has been really long since I last had such thoughts. I have no idea why it's resurfacing again. Every single time when I feel like dying, I try to single out my thoughts and think of the beautiful future I may have. That little hope. It's soon dying out. It's really sad how I look back into my life and realizes that nobody loves me. May be it's true about existentialism. We are born alone and die alone.

15/03/2014 ... emptiness

I've never felt so pressurized in my entire life. All the things that are directing at me. I just can't ignore. I really wished I didn't exist. Maybe I could just die. Never ever felt so helpless, unhappy. God, why did you send all these? Everything happens for a reason? This is POINTLESS. You're just making me feel a million times worst. Nothing can bring me back to where I was before. Things that have been done cannot be undone. I really wanna kill myself and make you feel guilty. Can I swallow some pills and never wake up? There are no tears left. I can't even bring myself to cry. I can't even talk to anyone. I don't trust anyone. Just wanna be alone. I feel so damn useless. This life is pointless. I can't help myself. I can't anyone. Just a fucking failure in life. Nothing's worst than all these happenings. I can't detach myself from all these emotions and thoughts. Why did you send me here? Why did you want me to go through all these? I fucking detest myself. It won't happened if I didn't... damn regret for all the decisions that I have made. If I were to have a power, it would be to make people disappear and listen to my orders. Then I can create my utopia world. Why can't I be like others? Why do you wanna make people suffer? Why? Why? Why? I can't feel my soul anymore. I'm just a living dead.

11/03/2014

一切的麻木與空白占据了心，
无法痊愈的伤疤不停的裂开，
心里不断涌现自己的脆弱
没有人看见，没有人知道
不停的走，不停的徘徊
似乎没有人发现那女孩
在流泪，在心碎
也许是雨水，
停止的时间，
却停止不了，
永恒的快乐。

身旁的人事物都将在有一天消失，
我为何留恋心中种种的酸甜苦辣，
即时知道我也会像雾一样，
消失在手指尖的那么一天，
却也抵不过对自己的猜疑。

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為什麼要給我一顆跳動的心臟 卻忘了給我 飛翔的翅膀？
為什麼要給我一顆跳動的心臟 又把我　丟在這寂寞戰場

這世界有多大我就有多徬徨
有沒有一點希望　讓我去闖　天涯海角　讓我去闖

-闖，五月天

09/03/2014 Let me live under water

Under the seas, troubles dissolve. 

They cannot breathe.

I can only listen to my own heartbeat.

Feelings can be nullified.

I really am clueless when I can bring myself out of all these troubles. I have no idea why I am causing myself so much so much unnecessary pain. WHY? I could not live on pretending to be something I am not. Less than others? All these hidden painful feelings couldn't get more bottled up. How do I even tell? I'm lost. Can we turn back time?

05/03/2014 Between Hope & Darkness

Many things happened recently... just too many to be mentioned. Sometimes, I wished I have the power to change and turn things around. I may have some... but certain things are beyond my circumstances. This morning, I was feeling really terrible. It felt so painful inside that I hoped a train would just hit me and let me die. Even though I know I shouldn't be thinking of things like that... My thoughts started to run wild & thought of ways to just end my life. How do people find love in such broken places? How do we even fall in love and be happen when all around us are just examples of failures and broken pieces? Through all these... I realized how lonely and helpless I can be. Even friends can't help you feel better. Nobody does anyway. I really hoped I would not be affected by everything around me but no. This is probably why I have been secretly wishing I had a family soon and get out of every trouble I face. Once I have my own family, I can fill it with love. I will make sure I don't make the same mistakes. I will try my best to be a perfect mum, a loving parent to my children, a great teacher, a reliable and trustworthy friend. I am really envy of young families. Seeing how uncertain things are right now, really wished I could just get out and skip to the part where I get married and happily ever after...! Just the thought of being in a family keeps me alive & hoping... believing that I can also experience the happiness of being loved and contentment.

http://simply-divine-creation.tumblr.com/post/78520869550/stories-by-ash

03/03/2014 Jai Guru Deva Om

I could listen to you all day long...
Sad song piercing through broken heart.
What's inside you will never change.

Seek & Stumble.
Still you find yourself.
Same exact
Spot.

#unrelated #ootd