09/03/2014 Let me live under water

Under the seas, troubles dissolve. 

They cannot breathe.

I can only listen to my own heartbeat.

Feelings can be nullified.

I really am clueless when I can bring myself out of all these troubles. I have no idea why I am causing myself so much so much unnecessary pain. WHY? I could not live on pretending to be something I am not. Less than others? All these hidden painful feelings couldn't get more bottled up. How do I even tell? I'm lost. Can we turn back time?

05/03/2014 Between Hope & Darkness

Many things happened recently... just too many to be mentioned. Sometimes, I wished I have the power to change and turn things around. I may have some... but certain things are beyond my circumstances. This morning, I was feeling really terrible. It felt so painful inside that I hoped a train would just hit me and let me die. Even though I know I shouldn't be thinking of things like that... My thoughts started to run wild & thought of ways to just end my life. How do people find love in such broken places? How do we even fall in love and be happen when all around us are just examples of failures and broken pieces? Through all these... I realized how lonely and helpless I can be. Even friends can't help you feel better. Nobody does anyway. I really hoped I would not be affected by everything around me but no. This is probably why I have been secretly wishing I had a family soon and get out of every trouble I face. Once I have my own family, I can fill it with love. I will make sure I don't make the same mistakes. I will try my best to be a perfect mum, a loving parent to my children, a great teacher, a reliable and trustworthy friend. I am really envy of young families. Seeing how uncertain things are right now, really wished I could just get out and skip to the part where I get married and happily ever after...! Just the thought of being in a family keeps me alive & hoping... believing that I can also experience the happiness of being loved and contentment.

http://simply-divine-creation.tumblr.com/post/78520869550/stories-by-ash

03/03/2014 Jai Guru Deva Om

I could listen to you all day long...
Sad song piercing through broken heart.
What's inside you will never change.

Seek & Stumble.
Still you find yourself.
Same exact
Spot.

#unrelated #ootd

10/02/2013 NY.

Struggling here at week 5... Thankfully I'm recovering from my sickness. Whenever I'm sick, I'm constantly being reminded that I'm vulnerable, but I love myself even more because this is the only time I can actually show this part of me. The rest of the time... I'm just pretending to be strong. It's the only time I deserved to be pampered, to lie in bed and do nothing the whole day, to expect people to give in to me, to eat my favourite food. When I'm sick, my brain would wander off to good times... I actually love being sick. I would spend my time reminiscing good o' times like free times during JC where I spent time with my loved ones, when my mother was still not working and would spend time with us in the afternoon or when I would explore new places with my best friend. How precious. Times where I really felt no burden and I could taste what real freedom and happiness is. 

Truly tasted Freedom & Happiness at Krabi. 

23/01/2014 #throwback to Day 1

I hate to say this is my last semester. On Thursday, I came to school early to print my notes. I loved how slightly empty the school is. It felt like I'm Cha Eun Sang who came to school early to avoid crowds and enjoy the calmness and stillness. As I was sitting at a window seat near A bus, I can't help but be engrossed in the "It's my final year... " kind of feeling. How did that happen? I remembered Day 1 of school, my first lesson was theater studies in LT 13. I was wearing a red plaid shirt paired with white shorts with sneakers. Must give off the school girl vibe... young and fresh... clueless and bump into someone cute, get together, get married. Ok, none of this happened. Fast forward, now I'm year 3! Time really flies. I felt like I've shortchanged myself in school. I didn't know so many things were happening around me.


 I'm a tiny shellfish in this entire ocean, refusing to move an inch to explore. When I realized all the shellfishes beside me have left, I felt so lonely and stupid. I have nowhere to go. 

13/01/2014 Hello, New Semester!

I hate to say this... but Hello to a new hell semester. I am having mixed feelings since it will be my last semester. I can't do honors because my CAP didn't make it good enough for the school to spend another year of money and effort on student like me. Some things... even money can't buy. Looking back, my time in NUS is so fast. I've always felt like I have shortchanged myself. There are so many activities, so many opportunities and I'm just lazing my ass off. Sometimes, I feel like a nuisance and I don't belong to school. #Wow, 3 years of education to make myself feel lousier than ever. #ThankyouNUS Maybe, I'm not meant for academics. This society is always unfair. No matter how hard I try, I always feel like shit... I wonder if there's any one who feels the same as me. Whatever, it is.

“Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift of God, which is why we call it the present.” 

― Bil Keane 

“We are products of our past, but we don't have to be prisoners of it.” 

― Rick Warren, The Purpose Driven Life: What on Earth Am I Here for?

Well, I love how Rick Warren describes about our past. Currently, I am reading Man's Search For Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl. I enjoyed the foreword by Harold S. Kushner. 

He described how a man was faced with his emotional turmoil when the Nazi threw all his credentials and degree into the dustbin, and told him that he has nothing left. It hit me so hard. I begin imagining one day… I am in front of God. And He just chucked aside everything I worked my life for into maybe thin air? They can vanish and dissolve into little particles with a touch of God's fingertips. Everything I worked for would be NOTHING. Then, I realized how vulnerable I was. Who am I to think I am worthy just because I had a degree. Anyone else can have the same degree. Someone can come in and destroy what I had. Probably the government starts to set a law that an arts degree is nothing compared to a lawyer degree or considered unworthy in this society. After all, humans are the ones who set the rules and determine our morals. We are the evil ones who invent all the good and bad stuff. War wouldn’t exist if it weren’t for the greed of human. Is there anything not created by humans? Religion? Language? What really matters in the end?

I remember how I was so inspired by Candy Chang and her Before I Die project. I kept remembering her words which help me to set my paths right. She said that “Thinking about death helps her to see things clearer.” I keep that dearly to me. Whenever you know that you might die the very next day, month, year… you might want to hold back your arguments and instead tell your loved ones how much you meant to them.

Probably, your degree doesn’t even mean much. You are not more than nor less than anyone else. We are equal. 

08/01/2013 Poulet!

The day Sinta flew to Hong Kong for her exchange! We gonna miss you! I don't know why but we kept meeting up as if we are not gonna see her for a year but it's only 5 months! And I have plans to fly to meet Sinta at Hong Kong (provided if I earn enough). Everyone is going for exchange and I'm here in Singapore. *sigh* Anyway, I also have plans for myself but I don't even know if I am crazy or brave enough to do so. I wished someone supported me all this while. Cheers and Take care @sintayo. :D

01/01/2014 And a New Year begins...

Looking back at all my old blog posts, I felt very regretful for not blogging as often as I should. Whenever I read back all the old posts, I start to remember all the experiences I had, whether happy or disappointing. I knew these are all the small little things that make me who I am today. This year, maybe I will start posting nicer photos whenever I go out. I will start posting happier moments instead of ranting about my regrets about my life. I've read somewhere that when you start posting all your bitterness on your blog... 10 years from now... You'll look back and only realized how miserable your life was. Ahh... Definitely NOOO.

2013 is full of ups an downs. As cheesy as it may sound... It's true. However, 2013 feels more like a downhill ride by the bicycle where I fall with all the scars and bruises. I'm very hurt by 2013. I cannot remember a time I felt truly happy. Maybe my 21st Birthday. Even then, I was troubled by a lot of things. My results were terrible. I was struggling with my own faith. No matter how hard I tried, life wasn't going smooth. There were a lot of disappointments. People I thought would stood by me didn't had time to. I had so many problems that I didn't know who to tell. Honestly, till the end, it doesn't really matter. People all have their own lives and why would someone even bother about others. Life is this short. Probably, it's me. I'm just disappointed by what's happening around me. 

The start of 2014. It was a bad one. I cried. Not because my crush didn't like me back. I'm #foreversingle. Something happened and it shook me a lot. This was not something new, but I just manage to compartmentalize this piece of bad news into somewhere, so it wouldn't affect my exams and all. Now that it has come back to haunt me, I had nowhere to hide anymore.  My emotions never felt more raw than before. I felt betrayed, lost, angry, and disappointed. There's no way to justify any actions being done and the hurt being inflicted upon me. I really tried my best to hide, to throw it at the back of my mind... but the feelings kept coming back. I cannot look at the same person in the same way again. She is important to me but forgiveness is hard. As my leader has mentioned, it is not my fault. I cannot help but feel really shaken and disappointed by what has happened. Has I lose faith in love? No. Now that I know of the pitfalls of a marriage and how easy temptations can just slip in and caught us off guard. In the bible, 1 Peter 5:8,  Keep your mind clear, and be alert. Your opponent the devil is prowling around like a roaring lion as he looks for someone to devour. 

After this incident, I've decided to pray earnestly to seek the Lord for answers. Despite me being a really unfaithful Christian, God never fails to bring me back each time. He is indeed faithful, the same today, yesterday and forever! I really Thank Him for showing me and am still praying for healing and asking for forgiveness for what has happened. 

No matter how life may be, I want to believe my 2014 will be wonderful. 

28/12/2013 Paradise before 2014

Visuals from Krabi! It was a short but fulfilling 4 days 4 nights. Really enjoyed myself despite some unhappiness.

02/12/2013 DECEMBER WOES

My exam is ending on the 6th of December but I can't seemed to study well. I wonder if anyone has the same problem as me. Sometimes, I'm unsure if I'm secretly giving up on myself or am I just being myself? It somehow feels as though I've no motivation to study. I really don't see the point of myself studying. I know at the end of this, I get a degree. That's it. It doesn't really make any sense. All around me, my friends are really working hard. They strive for the A, and get really disappointed when they don't do well. I really understand because if you put in effort for something... you will feel upset since your expectations and hard work are not being reciprocated. But for me, I just do whatever I can... And how the results turn out to be, I accept it. Most of the time, I feel nothing. When I get B+, B, C+ ... I will be like... Ok. Move on. I wonder if there's anything wrong with me? Actually, ever since semester 1 of year 1, I have been contemplating to quit school and apply AOL. I have no idea what I am doing and I feel like I am wasting my time. For the past few semesters, I have been studying like a dead soul. Sometimes, I enjoy. Sometimes, I don't. I wished I could relate this to someone, but I look around and I can't really find someone I can talk to. Time is cruel. It's already the second last semester. I know it's crazy, but there are times, I had this crazy urge to go to the counseling unit and tell them about this problem. But, I just can't pick up the courage. I've got this lonely feeling in university because I felt I was different from everyone, but perhaps not? 

Anyway, I've kept this inside myself for pretty long. Maybe it's due to the insecurity of how lousy my GPA is. (IMO & FACT) I am in denial. I try to hide this pain. I try not to let anyone ask my GPA. I divert topic quickly. I feel like such a lousy and unworthy person because of my GPA. Every time people ask about, talk about, mention about grades, I feel like a knife cutting down my throat. I wished I possess the invisible cloak Harry Potter had and disappear from the world. I hate to say this... yes... my result is so lousy that it could land me nowhere and no opportunities. When people ask, ain't you going for exchange? I smiled and replied that I prefer staying in Singapore due to my social work commitment I had to during the 3 months. I LIED. Who doesn't want to go and experience a whole new world? I really hate to hide this fact. Whenever I had to answer queries or answers like this, my heart is literally bleeding. Is it better to tell people, "No lah... my results so lousy. That's why I cannot go exchange?" It's pointless and it only makes conversations awkward. I've had my fair share of struggle. I remembered months ago, this whole "GPA" thing was too much for me to take it. Whenever someone mentions about results, I felt like crying. I held back. I change topic really fast. Quite obvious. When exchange is mentioned, I would congratulate anyone but really feel like dying. (No offence to dear friends going exchange.) I "confessed" to my supervisor when she graded me a B- or B for my placement. (Not final result, but it just reminded me how shitty I am as a person.) I broke down, crying like a baby in front of a semi-stranger and used half box of tissues on the last day of my internship. (Yes, very long since I broke down in front of someone. I did so because my supervisor reminded me of someone really dear to me.) I remembered all that flashed across my mind was how terrible I am. I could not fare well in anything. I realized there was nothing I could do well to prove myself. I still remembered during year 1, I was so excited about everything. I kept all the exchange brochures in a file. I pinned up pictures and motivating quotes. However, I was so wronged. Disappointments after disappointments came like a tsunami. It was then I discovered how shallow I was. I didn't know how to go about doing anything. I don't even know how to pay my school fees. I didn't know how to go for exchanges? It was at one point that I felt... I'm really like a tiny shell in this whole ocean. My friends kept telling me about opportunities and I just didn't know what to do. I nodded but I didn't know what was going on. I tried to study but there was too much information. I lacked discipline. I did well in subjects I put in least effort. I did poorly for those I invested efforts in. I didn't know what to do. I'm so at a loss. Sometimes, I wished all this could come to an end. Year 3 and still struggling with all these shitty stuff...

And perhaps, I'm not as valuable as compared to others. I do love Social Work and everything about it. It might be the best decision I make in university. It makes me depress when people don't get it, & I can't help but struggle within myself to make out of all these. Am I doing the right thing? 

P.S: Sorry for such a depressing post.