23/12/2012 What A Sad Christmas!

Feeling so sad for this season of love. I know we are supposed to feel love & all but I just feel so sulky & crap. It's like don't know... Prolonged problem or what and nobody can solve this shit. All you did was just sit there and pretend nothing happened. I'm speechless. Really nothing that can do to help me feel better. All I wanna do is lie down and let all these troubles vanish into thin air. I really hope they do. Oh God... Why why you let your cell group become like this? Why did you change us all away. Just don't even feel family at all. This is crap. I'm so so disappointed in all these plans of yours. It doesn't even make us feel better... No I don't think we grew wiser. Just more broken than ever. Can't even find a support.

22/12/2012 No Pretense

I don't know why I'm so stressed up over all these. I feel like I'm gonna break down over such a small lil stuff. I could just walk away & pretend nothing happened but precisely, something happened.

Am I the only one who hates hates hates camp? Not trying to be bad or what but the high amount of getting-to-know-you part is too much for me to take it. I hate repeating mundane crap like oh yeah I like this and I hate that and blah blah blah. I know all these requires time & all but it's simply too tiring.

I'm starting to feel worn out & left out from church. It seemed so lonely & I just don't feel any community love at all. This Xmas is just really I feel it's all empty. No joy, no peace, no love.

I'm suppose to love but I cannot. It been so long... And I feel like I can't be remembered. There wasn't even a time when I felt truly happy being with people except a few special ones.

I don't like forcing myself to be happy when I'm not. I don't even know why because I'm not usually like that. And I hate how everyone got this wrong impression of me. Tried tried to mix in but to me it's just so hard to fulfill. Am I trying hard to be liked by people? Is even remembering my name that hard? Not asking for more but it's really sad. Me myself trying my best but it don't succeed.

Don't even know why I'm bothered over this. Headache. 1.43 AM.

04/12/2012 Maybe I Need A New Light.

I can't even fare well in what I love. I can't even tell anyone how I feel. I can't even understand myself. Nobody knows/Nobody cares. We are all in love with ourselves. Too obsessed to care how other feels.

02/12/2012 We Accept The Love We Think We Deserve

这几天，我都好容易感动。读到感人的诗句就哭，听到一首好听的歌就哭，看电视看到感人的画面就哭，看着日出我也好像哭。不知道什么时候开始这样，我的感情开始细腻。许多小事都仿佛让我热泪盈眶。也是生活上已经没有什么好后悔，好留念，好挂念。。。 如果也已经没有如果。 洒脱的过着想要的生活也许才算是真正的活着。留下来的后悔只会像承重的枷锁拖着自己的脚步，住址我们往更好的方向前进。

我承认自己好难过，好痛恨自己，有时也不明白自己为何会做出这些事情让自己如此难过伤心。我明知后果还自负，让自己更加痛恨自己，告诉我自己我没有能力做到。也许我在挖掘自己的坟墓，想寻找自己所拥有的一片天堂却不断地往地里自我残废。我自认掉进自己的深渊，自甘堕落。我已经没有足够的能力再去满足你们的要求，满足想要被爱的渴望，已经无法说服自己所做的都是为了什么。我想起增经的努力，那么讨好你们，得到的却是如此的对待。只可求那么一份小小的温柔，一句问候，一句鼓励的话，就要求那么多一点点，难道有那么难吗？从前的我活在你们的背影，凡是都顺着你们的意见，直到活到这把年纪才发现自己都活在阴影下，久久无法走出。现在的一切都绕着一个人转动。我在你们的眼力还重要吗？我好像永远长不大，有时，我真希望自己想五岁的小女孩，抱着自己喜爱的娃娃，累了还有你们的呵护与关怀，不需要为自己的未来或生活担心。


[ 有人说孩子就像放风筝一样，放得再远，父母还是握紧手中的线。但是没有人想到风筝如果太早放得太远，它会在乌云里哭泣，在风里挣扎，害怕雷电声。如果风筝放得太远连自己都看不到，那么放风筝的人已经失去其中的意义。]    
-罗淑婷

30/11/2012 As I type...

Million thoughts running through my mind. Like what my friend A has mentioned how tough life out there can be especially, surviving in this stressful and 人吃人的社会。We always ponder about what if, or if time could turn back. To me, all these are bullshit. We are here today. No matter how badly, how terrible we do for today, there is always tomorrow redeem our sins and turn things around. (Unless it's some serious crap like killing someone...or life or death) There's always an opportunity for us to say sorry, to make things work again, to change our behaviors, to look beyond what we have now, to accept what we cannot change, and change what we can! The tantamount of stress we face whether family, school, friends, work, environmental and etc... They sometime leave us with little or no time to gasp for a breathe of air. Often, we have this powerless emotions which tells us that we cannot, we are useless, we are losers. All these in the head. It is this powerful mentality. How many lives and people are being controlled by that sad, demeaning mindset that they are born to doom and fail and never succeed. I can't deny, I myself had fallen into such traps. I guess that's why God always have this well-meaning message that we have already won the victory and no such strongholds will bring us down. (Maybe, sometimes, I do doubt God.) Put that aside. Failure can means something positive. It gives us a chance to emerge stronger. I mean, c'mon, if there aren't any failures, how would you know the sweetness of success? Chuck that aside, I think I should be studying for my exams right now. If lest I did not do well, there's always chances for my next semester, and most importantly, the beautiful process of learning without pressure is probably the most rewarding!

29/11/2012 Dinner with the Babe!

Last minute dinner with the babe! ❤ It has been a while since we last met for dinner and we are both so busy with examinations! :( but it's alright, a last minute meet up cures everything! Well, I don't know... Things might have change! I feel that the both of us have different directions in life. But I hope friendship remains the same despite the challenges of differences in life goals, perspectives and values! It's scary how differences can pull people apart. Maybe those readings are true... We once had common stuff but not anymore now. Maybe we might not be as close as before, at least the friendship is still there. I guess...

22/11/2012 This Shouldn't Be Happening

Dear Diary,

I hate to say how a muddle-head I am. Sometimes, I find myself really smart. I can memorize so many names, remembers so many facts about people. But yet, some simple things I cannot remember. I always get messed up during my exams. During semester 1, I thought I didn't had a Thai paper, but I do have one. Next, I didn't download my timetable well. Dang, wasn't interested in knowing where I sat. This semester, I messed up the dates, and now I'm left with 4 days to mug for my paper which I thought I had 7 days. Ha-Ha-Ha. Really?!?!?! Oh God, sometimes I really wonder my purpose here in NUS. By putting me here, shouldn't you at least give me some idea or revelations? I'm sick and tired of just being around in the school, feeling constantly dejected, feeling out-of-place, feeling I do not belong, feeling like I was here to torture myself each day. Urgh... Seriously?!?!

Disappointment.

19/11/2012 Time to Start.

I guess I'm strong enough to move on. 


Lazy, ain't I?
My surname is Lazy.
My middle name is Lazy.
My last name is Lazy.
I'm called Lazy Lazy Lazy.

Oh dear O Soul,
Why are you so lazy?
You know time is so precious,
& there you are letting it flow.

Now that all the anxiety are eating you up.
Consuming your soul, your breathe.
You feel like you'll never see daylight.
You feel like you don't care.
There are the memories gone.
The aspirations when you first felt.
Or no... you've never felt this way.

Living on a prayer'
Just like hanging on a thread.
Fighting for your breathe in a 8 A.M train
Trampling rose petals
Struggling in a drowning water
Resist the temptations
Balancing on the edge
Stretching the limits

Suddenly, it all fell out of place.
I hate this anxiety building up.
All you know is... don't give up until the last moment.

Every semester, you psycho yourself the same thing.
'It will get better'
Totally.

I just want so much to be carefree.
To be all I am.
Why am I like this?
Should I take a break?
I really hate myself for feeling no aspiration.
I hate myself for not wanting to study.
I hate who I am inside.
I hate this part of me who refuse to acknowledge.
Am I plain lazy or do I not know what I am doing?
I'm 20, not a kid anymore.
I ought to know the consequences,
but I just refuse to do it.
I just turn a blind eye to all these.
I could be jeopardizing my own life, career.

And I just simply don't care?
Man, I shouldn't even be alive.
Deserving all these chances to be here.

13/11/2012 GRACE\MERCY

Dear Diary,

I need to get myself on my feet. I cannot let myself down anymore. I need to stand up and fly again. I need to believe in myself again. I need to trust myself. I need to find myself. I need to bring myself together once more. I need to pick myself up. I need a change. I need something for me to believe in. I need myself to learn again. Learn, Unlearn, Learn. Time to be different. Time to something. Time to trust God that I will drop off the cliff, but you'll catch me. That hand of healing, faith will be so everlasting merciful and graceful to put me back where I am again.

Love, XX

06/11/2012 TIOMAN PART II

Great, enjoyable trip with the family.