30/11/2012 As I type...

Million thoughts running through my mind. Like what my friend A has mentioned how tough life out there can be especially, surviving in this stressful and 人吃人的社会。We always ponder about what if, or if time could turn back. To me, all these are bullshit. We are here today. No matter how badly, how terrible we do for today, there is always tomorrow redeem our sins and turn things around. (Unless it's some serious crap like killing someone...or life or death) There's always an opportunity for us to say sorry, to make things work again, to change our behaviors, to look beyond what we have now, to accept what we cannot change, and change what we can! The tantamount of stress we face whether family, school, friends, work, environmental and etc... They sometime leave us with little or no time to gasp for a breathe of air. Often, we have this powerless emotions which tells us that we cannot, we are useless, we are losers. All these in the head. It is this powerful mentality. How many lives and people are being controlled by that sad, demeaning mindset that they are born to doom and fail and never succeed. I can't deny, I myself had fallen into such traps. I guess that's why God always have this well-meaning message that we have already won the victory and no such strongholds will bring us down. (Maybe, sometimes, I do doubt God.) Put that aside. Failure can means something positive. It gives us a chance to emerge stronger. I mean, c'mon, if there aren't any failures, how would you know the sweetness of success? Chuck that aside, I think I should be studying for my exams right now. If lest I did not do well, there's always chances for my next semester, and most importantly, the beautiful process of learning without pressure is probably the most rewarding!

29/11/2012 Dinner with the Babe!

Last minute dinner with the babe! ❤ It has been a while since we last met for dinner and we are both so busy with examinations! :( but it's alright, a last minute meet up cures everything! Well, I don't know... Things might have change! I feel that the both of us have different directions in life. But I hope friendship remains the same despite the challenges of differences in life goals, perspectives and values! It's scary how differences can pull people apart. Maybe those readings are true... We once had common stuff but not anymore now. Maybe we might not be as close as before, at least the friendship is still there. I guess...

22/11/2012 This Shouldn't Be Happening

Dear Diary,

I hate to say how a muddle-head I am. Sometimes, I find myself really smart. I can memorize so many names, remembers so many facts about people. But yet, some simple things I cannot remember. I always get messed up during my exams. During semester 1, I thought I didn't had a Thai paper, but I do have one. Next, I didn't download my timetable well. Dang, wasn't interested in knowing where I sat. This semester, I messed up the dates, and now I'm left with 4 days to mug for my paper which I thought I had 7 days. Ha-Ha-Ha. Really?!?!?! Oh God, sometimes I really wonder my purpose here in NUS. By putting me here, shouldn't you at least give me some idea or revelations? I'm sick and tired of just being around in the school, feeling constantly dejected, feeling out-of-place, feeling I do not belong, feeling like I was here to torture myself each day. Urgh... Seriously?!?!

Disappointment.

19/11/2012 Time to Start.

I guess I'm strong enough to move on. 


Lazy, ain't I?
My surname is Lazy.
My middle name is Lazy.
My last name is Lazy.
I'm called Lazy Lazy Lazy.

Oh dear O Soul,
Why are you so lazy?
You know time is so precious,
& there you are letting it flow.

Now that all the anxiety are eating you up.
Consuming your soul, your breathe.
You feel like you'll never see daylight.
You feel like you don't care.
There are the memories gone.
The aspirations when you first felt.
Or no... you've never felt this way.

Living on a prayer'
Just like hanging on a thread.
Fighting for your breathe in a 8 A.M train
Trampling rose petals
Struggling in a drowning water
Resist the temptations
Balancing on the edge
Stretching the limits

Suddenly, it all fell out of place.
I hate this anxiety building up.
All you know is... don't give up until the last moment.

Every semester, you psycho yourself the same thing.
'It will get better'
Totally.

I just want so much to be carefree.
To be all I am.
Why am I like this?
Should I take a break?
I really hate myself for feeling no aspiration.
I hate myself for not wanting to study.
I hate who I am inside.
I hate this part of me who refuse to acknowledge.
Am I plain lazy or do I not know what I am doing?
I'm 20, not a kid anymore.
I ought to know the consequences,
but I just refuse to do it.
I just turn a blind eye to all these.
I could be jeopardizing my own life, career.

And I just simply don't care?
Man, I shouldn't even be alive.
Deserving all these chances to be here.

13/11/2012 GRACE\MERCY

Dear Diary,

I need to get myself on my feet. I cannot let myself down anymore. I need to stand up and fly again. I need to believe in myself again. I need to trust myself. I need to find myself. I need to bring myself together once more. I need to pick myself up. I need a change. I need something for me to believe in. I need myself to learn again. Learn, Unlearn, Learn. Time to be different. Time to something. Time to trust God that I will drop off the cliff, but you'll catch me. That hand of healing, faith will be so everlasting merciful and graceful to put me back where I am again.

Love, XX

06/11/2012 TIOMAN PART II

Great, enjoyable trip with the family.

25/10/2012 I can't deny how time flies.

Looking at how time pass by each day just like... it makes me even want to treasure each moment more than ever. Sometimes, exams and all just makes people lose track of all these beautiful, precious time that could be spent on loved ones. Sometimes I look back and I realized how all my time was spent on meaningless studying,... not exactly meaningless but I've could have planned my way to spend more time with my families or friends than on revisions. Speaking of all these... I'm thankful for this day that I am here at home. (K, I skipped a lecture.) I really hate myself for skipping lessons... but I always cannot wake up! :'(
Exams are really coming! I'm having extreme mixed feelings inside me. I really hope to go through all these ASAP. And when I can sleep 20 hours a day... Such a mundane post.

K, publish some nice photos.

My last weekend was pretty much packed. Friday, I was so busy preparing photos and rehearsal, hardly had any time to revise! During Saturday, we all had to wake up super early to go for our prayer tower! Thank God for His blessings that made the whole procedure so smooth and I mean there bound to have glitches but overall it was a great one! After prayer tower, had to rush off to TCT for camp briefing and all... followed by my outing to Sentosa with the Best Buddies people. It was pretty much enjoyable. There wasn't much pressure to make friends, everybody was just nice and all! So Thankful, and I met my buddy! Well... she wasn't exactly what I've thought to be... but will try my best to accommodate and have fun! Anyway, it was a super stormy day and was drenched and all.

Last Sunday, was the cell closure. I would say it's a heartwarming gathering. Those that stayed through with us thick and thin were all there. I'm thankful for them. We went through so much... and I once thought having a super big cell would be cool and all but I keep back my words. Having a small group like this is so much more heartwarming! We love each other, and we don't need to be so uptight and sensitive about how everyone else is feeling. Hope to see them more often! :)

17/10/2012 Thoughts That Last

In my place, in my place

Were lines that I couldn't change

I was lost, oh yeah 

I was lost, I was lost

Crossed lines I shouldn't have crossed

I was lost, oh yeah 

Yeah, how long must you wait for it?

Yeah, how long must you pay for it?

Yeah, how long must you wait for it?

For it...

I was scared, I was scared

Tired and under prepared

But I'll wait for it 

If you go, if you go

And leave me down here on my own

Then I'll wait for you 

Suddenly, this song speaks a lot to me. The lyrics just boomed and keep repeating itself in my mind. These few days, I'm really in a indescribable feeling. First of all, it's this feeling of losing myself. It really felt as if I lost everything and I'm back at square one again. I get this feeling a lot when I am extremely sad. It's as if I have gone down so deep, so far fetched that I cannot climb out of the pit anymore. It's felt as if I cannot go back to who I was yesterday. Sometimes when I get so depressed, I just sink into this deep sleep, wake up feeling like I lost my memory. Far too painful to be retrieved memory. Yet it has this characteristics of me being embraced. I feel so much. Some places and some nice memories and feelings just keep popping up, but I can only reach for them like the wind, sweeping through my fingers, slipping away as I watch it fades. Some people can only travel thus far. Nothing really lasts forever. I used to rely so much on people and etc... and now they just leave me one by one. Actually, I don't really know how I can carry on... this life just takes me by surprise. Even tears can't express how I'm feeling inside. All these changes are so big that I don't even know how to meet them. God, I'm so scared. Can you help me find myself back? I don't know where to start or end, it's so ... out of touch. I feel my soul getting detached from my body. The people that used to make me happy ain't there anymore. I feel like I'm going through a lot that I cannot understand.

16/10/2012 Let the Sun never dies

14/10/2012 I think I need a goal.

Once again, here comes the depressed girl. I know... it's like I'm forever feeling I'm depressed and all. I can't help but to feel sad... Often, it just struck me that I'm really lonely and everything. Just really, hating this feeling and I do not want it to override my own life, nor do I want it to take control of my life. Really must learn to start to be happier and to plan well. What makes it worst is that I'm SICK! Down with terrible flu and etc... Life is really horrible. I don't even want to be on social media anymore. It makes me sick. Everything makes me sick. I have to meet Lily to explain everything to her. It makes me even more discouraged. Life is already so discouraging. I thought year 2 would be better but, hell no.