28/10/2013 One More Month/One Less Semester

Wondering why I'm always so tired. But hey... just a few more days, a few more weeks to freedom, to Christmas. I can't even... I'm having such a bad time in school & it makes me even more weary than before. I'm wearing out and I'm so tired. I know I can do all these... I can. All these indescribable invisible scars. Let me go through these whole process and know that I am much stronger. From today onward, let me love the library as if it is my own children. I don't want to go through another semester seeing all the demoralizing grades again. I just want to live my life. It's so painful to see these things how the world see, and I refuse too. I just would like to live and see what I want to. Please, close my eyes. God, grant my wish. Probably, I have lived an entire life, thinking that my grades would bring me far but no. It only brought misery and loneliness upon me. I start losing people. I start becoming not who I want to be. I start to question my self. I start to self doubt and criticize. I am not who I am, I am also not who you think I am.

17/10/2013 Midnight Monsters

Or maybe I'm just a sour bitch who doesn't deserved to be love? I feel really sad. I'm sorry it spiraled this way... But mostly, I feel like nobody appreciates me.  It's like nobody likes me. Nobody enjoy my presence. Nobody loves me. Mostly? I feel so lonely. Whenever I'm out, I see people with ringing messages, flooding whatsappes while my phone just remained empty... Like it doesn't even need to be charged? I hate nights like this when I feel absolutely worthless. Can I even get a tinge of hope that my presence is important to someone? I am clueless. Sometimes I want a boyfriend badly. It's a turmoil inside whenever people mention/talks about boys/boyfriend/eye candy. I'm like turning into an awkward tortoise inside me. I really wished a black hole would just sucked me to planet XYZ so I could avoid it. I know it's simply wrong to want to have one to fill that empty void. But ain't that worth it, at least, half the void would be filled? At least I wouldn't need to have so many lunches alone? At least I wouldn't need to pretend to be cool that I didn't have one & that God timing is perfect. Who am I kidding? I'm freaking turning 22 soon. P.s: My mom gave birth to me when she was 23. Soon my biological clock would fail me and I probably would end up giving birth to kids with defects? People around me are getting hitched, flirted by, blah blah... I don't even have an interesting story to tell... ! I don't even have anyone coming forward to tell me I'm gorgeous and they are interested to know me. My social circle is pathetically small! I'm honestly, truthfully worried for my future. I'm really lying when I said I'm patient. I know I'm not perfect and God, why can't I fall and learn along the way? Just give me a heartbreak & I would appreciate the final one! My anxious heart wouldn't stop longing for a secure belonging. Please teach me your ways and calm my waves of anxiety. 

11/10/2013 Are you truly happy?

The past few days has been great until I screw up by being late. I really feel apologetic... and this is something I really shouldn't commit again. I really have no idea how I'm going out to work with all these bad habits. Most of the times, I just want to do what I love and everything, like the world works around my needs. But, the cruel reality is that NO... I have to meet the needs of blah blah blah. I'm like constantly tired... oh God, I need a new life.

30/09/2013 M.O.N.D.A.Y

Once again, the most dreaded, dreaded, dreaded Mondays are back again. Well, it wasn't a good start with me this sleepyhead being late and missing my very first lecture. I'm sorry (to my lecturer)! Anyway, this is so getting a toll on me. Next few days, I must must must mug hard and chiong for my assignment and upcoming exam. I'm feeling so guilty that I have not started on my SOM. I totally feel like SU-ing it but NOOO. I'm only taking 3 modules. It would be like a total waste to use it? 

On a brighter note, I'm back to BLOGGING. It feels good because it's like I have a friend to talk to about what happened to me in the day. Old friend found! Honestly, it felt kind of pathetic but hey... blogging really makes me feel better. I have been blogging during my secondary school and JC days but somehow stopped during my university days! I guess I couldn't catch up with work and was feeling so drained from everything. 

There's a lot of thing I would like to write on my blog! May be I would do that after my Science of Music exam! #goanddiescienceofmusic 

1:07AM! HELLO OCTOBER. PLEASE BE A GOOD MONTH! :) I promise I will love you like how I love every March. 

Maybe I will have a start of list like what to do for each month? 

• Shopping with friends (Actually no... cause I haven't bought any clothes!)
• Mayday Nowhere Concert (3D)
• Iseki Sushi buffet! 
• Lose 3 kg! 

29/09/2013 Lovely Sunday

Have I mentioned how our life has been so healthy ever since the presence of Teddy Chow! Thanks to the presence of a four-legged fur friend, now we all have to slogged out every Sunday to bring her to park to interact with people and other fur friends. Talk about responsibility. I really enjoy my Sunday now as compared to the past few years where they are just wasted by me lying in bed for hours. Because of Teddy, family outings has been more regular than before! Thanks to Teddy, we got to interact with more people and dog lovers. Bishan park has been our favourite park! The environment, the lush greenery, the friendly pet owners, pet-friendly restaurants, ... everything about it! :) Fingers crossed I won't meet anyone or any incident that makes me have a second opinion about it. Teddy loves bishan park too! It's a bonus and she loves roaming around the mini dog park since she doesn't run that much.

BEFORE THIS: Teddy was at the vet due to scratches from her eyes. Initially we thought it was flea... (Forgive us! We are first time pet owners!) We went really paranoid and all but in the end it was due to Teddy itchy fingers which caused her injury. Thank God it wasn't that serious! :)
Something which makes me super upset and super mad is the freaking receptionist. Every single time we visit the vet, he would start telling us how hard it is to raise Chow Chow, and how difficult it is to train Chow Chow, cannot pamper her if not she will bite us and all...  Once and for all, SHUT UP! I am raising my dog and I know her jolly well better than you do. Everyone that saw Teddy knows she is such a kind-hearted, soft and gentle Chow Chow. I'm really not lying. Many times I have brought her out and she has been attacked by other smaller dog breeds. The thing is Teddy didn't even retaliate, she just backed away when being threatened and bitten. No Bark at ALL. The last time we went there, the receptionist continued his stereotyping of Chow Chow...

'This kind of dog very hard to train.' I just ignored him. I'm already very nice by not asking him to shut up. What this kind of dog? Did I go around stereotyping you? Like bald, fat, ugly, hairy, blah blah blah...? Maybe you bite too? Then please kindly keep quiet and keep your mouth to yourself. We do not need you to come and teach us how to raise Teddy?

Anyway, it is our third visit over there and every SINGLE TIME, he has to comment on Teddy. First time, he made such statements, it really scared us cause we were first time owners... but subsequently as we spent time training her and etc... Teddy really was a nice and wonderful dog we can ever have. Anyway, one last time, I am gonna change our vet. Even our vet commented on how nice Teddy is and she is the NICEST CHOW CHOW he has ever met! :)

Waiting patiently for Teddy's turn!

 Checking Teddy's bone! :) 

Happy Monday everyone! :) 

Maybe nobody reads this but feel free to share with me your pet experience? 

26/09/2013 Prisoners

Last Thursday, I went to watch this really awesome thriller, PRISONERS! There may be one or two loopholes which I totally felt could be addressed. I mean c'mon what era is it... ok but I totally have to agree that even in real life situation such as Jaycee Dugard who was in captive for like eighteen years until the police discovered something amiss? (Spoiler alert) Put that aside, I was quite taken aback because I didn't manage to guess who the kidnapper was! Tada, outwitted. The whole movie lasted for more than two hours and throughout I felt there were parts that could be fast forward. I cannot deny that it was really intense and throughout the movie, I could felt my heart pounding. Anyway, long story short... I kind of dislike the ending. It gives people room for imagination... I personally chose to believe the positive side of the story. Plot aside, the actors were really really professional. Jake Gyllenhaal and Hugh Jackman. They really gave Oscar winning performance. No doubt. Even though there were a lot of symbols and signs of Christianity like verses from the bible and snakes, I felt it wasn't too overly used. Overall, it was a good movie which will definitely leaves an impression on your mind and makes you think about certain things in life. 

Rating: 8.5/10 

25/09/2013 SPIZZA!

Spizza with my wonderful social work friends! Wished I knew all of them way earlier! :) This picture doesn't do justice to how big our 20 inch pizza really is!

24/09/2013 Money & Filial

How do you define filial? The money you 'return' your parents every month? It may be true that it is natural for adults children with the capability to be self-independent to return to their parents in some sort of a way. Monetary. To be exact. However, that in my opinion, is a false gauge. How can we even put a monetary value onto filial piety? It starts from within the heart. I may sound like an unfilial daughter but I somehow felt that it should be based on how much our parents sacrifice their time and effort for us. How does it feels returning to an empty home? It pisses me off every single time my father asks me to return him when I've gotten my first pay. I think about all the lonely nights I spent, crying myself to sleep whenever I face any issues. Where is my mum and dad when I needed them? All I remember is my parents returning late from their work. It may be true that they are working hard, but there are definitely times when they could have used the time to spend it on us... but instead it was being squandered freely away with friends, beer and cigarettes. Do they even feel regretful? Do they even think and remember us? Despite me being 21, yes... I should be matured enough to understand that my parents are slogging their life to help me earn my degree and who I am today but I still feel the hurt every single day of loneliness whenever my parents ain't there to help me. I remember nights when I attempted to commit suicide and they did not even realize anything amiss. Days when I cried because I had friendships problem... and they simply weren't there to notice because they were too tired. People may tell me to grow up and all... but all I wanted was for them to notice and asked me what happen, and the minimum they could do was to talk to me. I used to run so eagerly to them every night, telling them what happened in school, and all they did was to ignore my ramblings. Yes, I thank you my parents for who I am today, and how independent I have become because I had to. I tell myself everyday that if I were ever to become a parent, one thing I would have done differently, I would be by their side, watching them grow.

22/09/2013 雪糕的一天

Thank God for Friends! :)

Have been feeling really upset and depressed the past few days! I really have no idea. It's just this chronic sadness and I have no idea. I just felt so lonely, like nobody would understand me. Why am I even cooped up with my own problems when there are so many things for me to worry? Anyway, Thank God for friends. I decided to pull my ass out and thick-skinnly(no such word) asked my friends out... Sometimes, company really makes people feel better. It helps to forget for a moment why we are this sad and focus on our friends and their lives. And I enjoy it. Maybe I have not been crying for awhile. It just feels as though nobody cares. It's probably true... we will never understand how a person feel, what he or she goes through until we are in their skin. No matter what it is... this too shall pass.

20/09/2013 Lazy Bones

“Don't let go too soon, but don't hold on too long.” 

― Mitch Albom, Tuesdays With Morrie

I'm so so so lazy! Procrastinated for more than 24 hours already and I can't even finish my assignment. God, please give me the strength?

Now, even saying, praying to God seemed to put me in an ironic position. I mean, c'mon, who am I to speak of God?

Even though I didn't mention but most of the time, I feel like a fake Christian. Whatever you call that. Not that I'm pretending or like I do not believe in God. It feels so condemning. I just feel so sad when I'm in church. I feel so lonely. I can't find anyone I can confide in. It's like I know God hears my problems, knows my needs. It's just that I don't feel belonged. Every single week I go, I feel like I'm very tiny and at the back of church. A corner... Probably yes, when we don't feel God... SIN is the thing that separates us. I'm ... yeah basically... Just that every week, I feel so unworthy so be a cell leader. No, I'm not even a cell leader. I don't know what I am. I feel so neglected. I don't so my quiet time. I don't pray. Every week when I pray and in cell, I feel so far away from my cell. Not like I hate them or what. I really do enjoy their presence but I just don't felt belonged. I feel so out-of-place. I feel like I cannot bless them. I feel like I'm not worthy enough to even pray for them. Every week, I feel like I'm dragging my feet to service. A commitment... probably I have been going teens service for quite sometimes... I feel so empty and letdown to the teens if I did not attend. Maybe my presence does not even make a difference. Now, I have made the decision of not attending night service. Now thinking of it... I feel really sorry towards God. Like I've based this decision on my personal needs and not on who God is... But for now, I really want to sort my thoughts... really don't even feel like stepping into the auditorium.