04/09/2013 Been awhile...

You know how some people don't understand your situation and when they go talking about things that pricks your heart... All you can do is to sit there and feel paralyzed. Both physically and mentally. I feel the strong pretense like I really should die or commit suicide... Like I couldn't even deserve a single shit in life. All I'm feeling is really scared and mostly disappointing. I hate how all these feelings come back to me, and I feel completely useless and defenseless. I couldn't talk about it, tell anyone, or even bring myself to love myself for who I am. It's like all these strong feelings just bottling up and I can't even do anything about it.

I'm sooo sick & tired... I wanna move forward.

20/08/2013 Year Sem 1

... 

04/06/2013 How has it been for you?

I've been experiencing the dark side of social work ever since I started my placement. Maybe what Doc. Goh mentioned in lecture is reenacting and being put to great test. As a social worker, we face the dark side of life everyday, do you have the courage to face them? Honestly, I'm starting to get a little scared of what's happening around me. Heartbroken. You see what people don't see. You listen to what people don't like to hear. But I guess most importantly, you gets to see the true human nature of life. We are all sinful and fall short of God's glory. I cannot believe if anyone stands before me and proclaim that he or she is perfect. God knows every dark secret and our heart. Through this placement, I am also praying that God will help me to see His presence in every small details! Even though I have my own struggles with my own relationship, I know that my world lies in Him.

13/05/2013 First Day of Placement

So I'm writing this during midnight! Just can't get to sleep! Unsure of what to expect and etc... but I'm definitely looking forward to working. Having in mind that I can actually get to experience real life situation instead of studying. That's one thing I love about social work, practical. It has been my dream to have first hand experience instead of studying. To make it till university is something I'm really proud of. Then again, I'm doing so badly in university that sometimes, I feel so inferior. Somehow, I made it through all the way to the dreams of every Singaporean but then, I fail myself. I guess, I just have to accept that not everybody can excel in studying. I can't deny, I still am, very disappointed with myself. And the saddest part, I cannot accept myself. Because of this... it's somehow hindering me from going further. I am constantly being filled with jealousy, hatred, anger, disappointment and so many negative emotions in me. I just feel so distance from everyone. I don't know when but I just stop trusting everyone. Maybe it's just myself. Sad, cooped up in a shell. I used to trust a friend a lot, but I really forgot when or how... well, I guess it's either time or effort is playing the devil. Some things that she did somehow made me feel really small sometimes, and I guess it's pointless to harp on it, but it snowballed, and this is the result. 

Here I am waiting, 

I’ll have to leave soon, 

why am I holdin’ on

We knew this day would come, 

we knew it all along

How did it come so fast

This is our last night, 

but it’s late and 

I’m tryin’ not to sleep

‘Cuz I know, 

when I wake I will have to slip away

07/05/2013 I really don't know what to do with myself anymore.

:'(

我 要過多久 才能好呢

有好多辛苦路得走

走到口渴 眼淚乾了 人會領悟些什麼

回憶是記者 它會挖出不為人知的寂寞

每一個人的以前

住在心裡 像事後的孤兒

07/05/2013 Last Lap/ I've got a new PUP!

Yes! I have got a pup but sadly... I'm not really close with her. In face, I'm quite scared of her! Because her play bites are mad crazy! She draws blood even when she's this young... Furthermore, she bites when people pet her! We are still trying to train her whenever we can but due to exams and all... we have been delaying! Hopefully, Teddy will learn to be gentler! :'(

01/05/2013 You'll never understand.

有些事情你永远都不会懂。我到底是这么了？好不像从前的我，难道我失去了目标，还是我已经不在为了什么而活。我只是忘了开心是什么，伤心是什么。不在为了自己而开心的活着，仿佛没有什么值得而活。

26/04/2013 每当这个时候，我都会如此的担心，害怕，讨厌自己。

有时候失败了，我每次告诉自己要站起来。但是来到了大学，并不是说要站就站，而是有很多的阻碍。也许吧，长大以后，你会开始深思，别人对你的看法，或许自己也开始对自己自暴自弃，觉得自己很没有用。走到那么远，来到这里，仿佛在终点放弃自己。

25/04/2013 *Sigh*

Nobody understands how it feels like.

18/04/2013 Where is the motivation?

Every school term passed scarily fast... Not even a blink of an eye can describe how I feel. I feel like I've let each term off too easily. Once again, disappointed. I told myself to be hardworking and all. It really ain't easy when everything work against you. Losing precious relationship. Emotionally unstable. I've been really emotional and unstable this semester. Some things are really hard to explain and in life, things happen for a reason. Probably they are dictated by God to happen for a reason. The process is painful but inevitable. What more can I say? Well, at times, it feels like I cannot love again anymore. Maybe, it's for the better. I trust the Holy Spirit. This calls for extreme measures. Sometimes, I wished I can confide in someone about all these. Loud sigh. Forget it, I shall move on from here. 

无奈的情绪，其实面对该来的也不迟。不明白的，就让它去吧。有时候，我好担心，担心会沦落到自己的情感里，纠结纠缠，久久无法平息自己的意识。看着自己空窗那么久，也会对自己心存怀疑，感觉自己是否不够好，个性是否很差。其实长大了，自己的灵魂却越来越狭窄。心灵应该是美丽而宽阔的。我却感觉自己的心灵在成长时，不小心被别人的冷言冷语，以及人世间的残酷给冻结。尤其是来自自己亲爱的友人所带来的伤害，痛的成分始终无法形容。原来从不说的怨恨只会给对方带来那么多长年累计的裂痕，我越来越害怕相信人，我也无法轻易的去爱人。更重要的是我连自己都无法疼爱自己，自己真的也许不值得有人珍惜。想找回从前温柔，纯洁的那一个我。我能找回从前的爱吗？

葉子是不會飛翔的翅膀

翅膀是落在天上的葉子

天堂原來應該不是妄想

只是我早已經遺忘

當初怎麼開始飛翔

孤單是一個人的狂歡

狂歡是一群人的孤單

愛情原來的開始是陪伴

但我也漸漸地遺忘

當時是怎樣有人陪伴

我一個人吃飯旅行到處走走停停

也一個人看書寫信自己對話談心

只是心又飄到了哪裏

就連自己看也看不清

我想我不僅僅是失去你

我一個人吃飯旅行到處走走停停

也一個人看書寫信自己對話談心

只是心又飄到了哪裏

就連自己看也看不清

我想我不僅僅是失去你