22/09/2013 雪糕的一天

Thank God for Friends! :)

Have been feeling really upset and depressed the past few days! I really have no idea. It's just this chronic sadness and I have no idea. I just felt so lonely, like nobody would understand me. Why am I even cooped up with my own problems when there are so many things for me to worry? Anyway, Thank God for friends. I decided to pull my ass out and thick-skinnly(no such word) asked my friends out... Sometimes, company really makes people feel better. It helps to forget for a moment why we are this sad and focus on our friends and their lives. And I enjoy it. Maybe I have not been crying for awhile. It just feels as though nobody cares. It's probably true... we will never understand how a person feel, what he or she goes through until we are in their skin. No matter what it is... this too shall pass.

20/09/2013 Lazy Bones

“Don't let go too soon, but don't hold on too long.” 

― Mitch Albom, Tuesdays With Morrie

I'm so so so lazy! Procrastinated for more than 24 hours already and I can't even finish my assignment. God, please give me the strength?

Now, even saying, praying to God seemed to put me in an ironic position. I mean, c'mon, who am I to speak of God?

Even though I didn't mention but most of the time, I feel like a fake Christian. Whatever you call that. Not that I'm pretending or like I do not believe in God. It feels so condemning. I just feel so sad when I'm in church. I feel so lonely. I can't find anyone I can confide in. It's like I know God hears my problems, knows my needs. It's just that I don't feel belonged. Every single week I go, I feel like I'm very tiny and at the back of church. A corner... Probably yes, when we don't feel God... SIN is the thing that separates us. I'm ... yeah basically... Just that every week, I feel so unworthy so be a cell leader. No, I'm not even a cell leader. I don't know what I am. I feel so neglected. I don't so my quiet time. I don't pray. Every week when I pray and in cell, I feel so far away from my cell. Not like I hate them or what. I really do enjoy their presence but I just don't felt belonged. I feel so out-of-place. I feel like I cannot bless them. I feel like I'm not worthy enough to even pray for them. Every week, I feel like I'm dragging my feet to service. A commitment... probably I have been going teens service for quite sometimes... I feel so empty and letdown to the teens if I did not attend. Maybe my presence does not even make a difference. Now, I have made the decision of not attending night service. Now thinking of it... I feel really sorry towards God. Like I've based this decision on my personal needs and not on who God is... But for now, I really want to sort my thoughts... really don't even feel like stepping into the auditorium.

15/09/2013 Blessings

http://johndhowell.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/god_calling.jpg

We pray for blessings

We pray for peace

Comfort for family, protection while we sleep

We pray for healing, for prosperity

We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering

All the while, You hear each spoken need

Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights

Are what it takes to know You're near

What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom

Your voice to hear

And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near

We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love

As if every promise from Your Word is not enough

All the while, You hear each desperate plea

And long that we have faith to believe

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights

Are what it takes to know You're near

And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us

When darkness seems to win

We know that pain reminds this heart

That this is not, this is not our home

It's not our home

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

And what if a thousand sleepless nights

Are what it takes to know You're near

What if my greatest disappointments

Or the achings of this life

Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy

And what if trials of this life

The rain, the storms, the hardest nights

Are Your mercies in disguise

Credits: http://www.lyricshall.com/lyrics/Laura+Story/Blessings/

Just stumbled upon this wonderful song while I was on the internet. Every words, every sentences just pierce through my heart every time I listen to it, especially in this moment, where I'm feeling vulnerable to all the setbacks and disappointments in people. Most of the time, we pray and yearn for God blessings. We only want good things, great things to happen to us. I think we all as humans fail to see and understand God's blessings through the small little things/trials/darkness. All these disappointments, setbacks are inevitable because God did not promise we will have a smooth sailing life... He promised that we will have trouble, but God will be with us through the trials and storms. Is it enough? I really like the chorus. Probably we would never know what's healing without getting hurt, without experiencing His love for us.

04/09/2013 Been awhile...

You know how some people don't understand your situation and when they go talking about things that pricks your heart... All you can do is to sit there and feel paralyzed. Both physically and mentally. I feel the strong pretense like I really should die or commit suicide... Like I couldn't even deserve a single shit in life. All I'm feeling is really scared and mostly disappointing. I hate how all these feelings come back to me, and I feel completely useless and defenseless. I couldn't talk about it, tell anyone, or even bring myself to love myself for who I am. It's like all these strong feelings just bottling up and I can't even do anything about it.

I'm sooo sick & tired... I wanna move forward.

20/08/2013 Year Sem 1

... 

04/06/2013 How has it been for you?

I've been experiencing the dark side of social work ever since I started my placement. Maybe what Doc. Goh mentioned in lecture is reenacting and being put to great test. As a social worker, we face the dark side of life everyday, do you have the courage to face them? Honestly, I'm starting to get a little scared of what's happening around me. Heartbroken. You see what people don't see. You listen to what people don't like to hear. But I guess most importantly, you gets to see the true human nature of life. We are all sinful and fall short of God's glory. I cannot believe if anyone stands before me and proclaim that he or she is perfect. God knows every dark secret and our heart. Through this placement, I am also praying that God will help me to see His presence in every small details! Even though I have my own struggles with my own relationship, I know that my world lies in Him.

13/05/2013 First Day of Placement

So I'm writing this during midnight! Just can't get to sleep! Unsure of what to expect and etc... but I'm definitely looking forward to working. Having in mind that I can actually get to experience real life situation instead of studying. That's one thing I love about social work, practical. It has been my dream to have first hand experience instead of studying. To make it till university is something I'm really proud of. Then again, I'm doing so badly in university that sometimes, I feel so inferior. Somehow, I made it through all the way to the dreams of every Singaporean but then, I fail myself. I guess, I just have to accept that not everybody can excel in studying. I can't deny, I still am, very disappointed with myself. And the saddest part, I cannot accept myself. Because of this... it's somehow hindering me from going further. I am constantly being filled with jealousy, hatred, anger, disappointment and so many negative emotions in me. I just feel so distance from everyone. I don't know when but I just stop trusting everyone. Maybe it's just myself. Sad, cooped up in a shell. I used to trust a friend a lot, but I really forgot when or how... well, I guess it's either time or effort is playing the devil. Some things that she did somehow made me feel really small sometimes, and I guess it's pointless to harp on it, but it snowballed, and this is the result. 

Here I am waiting, 

I’ll have to leave soon, 

why am I holdin’ on

We knew this day would come, 

we knew it all along

How did it come so fast

This is our last night, 

but it’s late and 

I’m tryin’ not to sleep

‘Cuz I know, 

when I wake I will have to slip away

07/05/2013 I really don't know what to do with myself anymore.

:'(

我 要過多久 才能好呢

有好多辛苦路得走

走到口渴 眼淚乾了 人會領悟些什麼

回憶是記者 它會挖出不為人知的寂寞

每一個人的以前

住在心裡 像事後的孤兒

07/05/2013 Last Lap/ I've got a new PUP!

Yes! I have got a pup but sadly... I'm not really close with her. In face, I'm quite scared of her! Because her play bites are mad crazy! She draws blood even when she's this young... Furthermore, she bites when people pet her! We are still trying to train her whenever we can but due to exams and all... we have been delaying! Hopefully, Teddy will learn to be gentler! :'(

01/05/2013 You'll never understand.

有些事情你永远都不会懂。我到底是这么了？好不像从前的我，难道我失去了目标，还是我已经不在为了什么而活。我只是忘了开心是什么，伤心是什么。不在为了自己而开心的活着，仿佛没有什么值得而活。