26/04/2013 每当这个时候，我都会如此的担心，害怕，讨厌自己。

有时候失败了，我每次告诉自己要站起来。但是来到了大学，并不是说要站就站，而是有很多的阻碍。也许吧，长大以后，你会开始深思，别人对你的看法，或许自己也开始对自己自暴自弃，觉得自己很没有用。走到那么远，来到这里，仿佛在终点放弃自己。

25/04/2013 *Sigh*

Nobody understands how it feels like.

18/04/2013 Where is the motivation?

Every school term passed scarily fast... Not even a blink of an eye can describe how I feel. I feel like I've let each term off too easily. Once again, disappointed. I told myself to be hardworking and all. It really ain't easy when everything work against you. Losing precious relationship. Emotionally unstable. I've been really emotional and unstable this semester. Some things are really hard to explain and in life, things happen for a reason. Probably they are dictated by God to happen for a reason. The process is painful but inevitable. What more can I say? Well, at times, it feels like I cannot love again anymore. Maybe, it's for the better. I trust the Holy Spirit. This calls for extreme measures. Sometimes, I wished I can confide in someone about all these. Loud sigh. Forget it, I shall move on from here. 

无奈的情绪，其实面对该来的也不迟。不明白的，就让它去吧。有时候，我好担心，担心会沦落到自己的情感里，纠结纠缠，久久无法平息自己的意识。看着自己空窗那么久，也会对自己心存怀疑，感觉自己是否不够好，个性是否很差。其实长大了，自己的灵魂却越来越狭窄。心灵应该是美丽而宽阔的。我却感觉自己的心灵在成长时，不小心被别人的冷言冷语，以及人世间的残酷给冻结。尤其是来自自己亲爱的友人所带来的伤害，痛的成分始终无法形容。原来从不说的怨恨只会给对方带来那么多长年累计的裂痕，我越来越害怕相信人，我也无法轻易的去爱人。更重要的是我连自己都无法疼爱自己，自己真的也许不值得有人珍惜。想找回从前温柔，纯洁的那一个我。我能找回从前的爱吗？

葉子是不會飛翔的翅膀

翅膀是落在天上的葉子

天堂原來應該不是妄想

只是我早已經遺忘

當初怎麼開始飛翔

孤單是一個人的狂歡

狂歡是一群人的孤單

愛情原來的開始是陪伴

但我也漸漸地遺忘

當時是怎樣有人陪伴

我一個人吃飯旅行到處走走停停

也一個人看書寫信自己對話談心

只是心又飄到了哪裏

就連自己看也看不清

我想我不僅僅是失去你

我一個人吃飯旅行到處走走停停

也一個人看書寫信自己對話談心

只是心又飄到了哪裏

就連自己看也看不清

我想我不僅僅是失去你

06/04/2013 Setbacks in life

God is indeed wonderful. Many times I have failed, but yet He never fails to rise up and pick me up from the depths. 

Just as Psalm 18:16-17 

16          He reached down from on high and took hold of me;

    he drew me out of deep waters.

¹⁷ 

He rescued me from my powerful enemy,

    from my foes, who were too strong for me.

Just as something like this have occurred, I believe God has something in stored for me. It's never His plan to hurt me, or let me be depressed. It has all been done on the cross. Never doubt His love because He is great. Eternal life is waiting for us, which great noble men did not fail in life. Failure is such common and God's love covers everything. I thank Him everyday for His grace in my life. I know I can never do it without Him.

31/03/2013 HAPPY EASTER SUNDAY!

HAPPY EASTER SUNDAY EVERYONE! 

Time to give thanks to God for everything He has done for us! Thank you God! You are so amazing! Your grace and mercy in the lives of us! Really no words can describe! 

Weeks before Easter, I was given the task of organizing and planning another event for the teens! To be truthful, I was dreading it. Who wouldn't? I planned the event for 2 consecutive years... But this year it is something different, God is with us. There were 3 salvation, 1 open to knowing God, and 17 guests! All glory to God! I really learnt a lot through this event! Struggling between work, projects, my own life, planning for the teens. It wasn't a smooth road until you become a leader yourself. Somehow after this, I am more optimistic about the merging, and the life of these teenagers. I see so much potential in them, and I believe they will grow in their walk with the Lord. Praise the Lord for working in all of our lives. 

Here are some pictures from my phone! Will update more group photos when Melvin is done with all of them! 

22/03/2013 Just Another Deadline

Rushing another deadline... I'm so worn out or maybe I'm not? Ok, I must admit there have been time where I let loose myself and just slacked for a day. After this I will try to update all my pictures here... ! 加油... Just 2 more projects, 2 more deadlines and endless mugging.

31/03/2013
Well, sometimes, I feel myself caring so much about how others think about me... maybe I shouldn't right? Really. People are not important. God is.

20/03/2013 We Can Learn To Love Again

Can we? These few days, I have been feeling weird about myself entering another phase of adulthood. It seemed like I am losing myself, yet gaining in a way. I am definitely more mature and etc...but I don't find myself happier. I have everything but I just feel so unhappy. Maybe as we grow up, our friends are all busy and they have their own lives. I try so hard, or maybe noo... I don't know... I can't seem to find back the happiness I used to have.

19/03/2013 HAPPY 21ST TO ME!

9/03/2012 And it all starts with a fear of God...

Recent posts might feel extremely religious, but indeed, Jesus is the reason why I am alive. His grace is really more than what I deserve. Today, I was really touched by the God's harsh words. Whoever He loves, He disciplines. Receiving forgiveness for sin is really letting light into your life, and not allow the devil to have a foothold in your life. I finally felt a sense of relief. Nothing to hide, nothing to be ashamed of because when I confess, I am healed. Recently, I have been hearing God's presence in my life. So many little things, yet He just blesses me. I really need to start obeying His words, even though they sound seemingly ridiculous. Yes! The great immeasurable power that He has given us! Actually I was feeling really down having to run late, and getting drenched by the rain. This planning of TGIF really wears me down, and I'm really unsure if the teens were understanding what I say. Sometimes, I do feel like they are just fooling around, like really not paying attention. After all, they are teens right? How serious am I when I was like 15? Anyway, coming back... I was really crying and feeling depressed about every single stress and how overwhelmed by the work and deadlines I have to submit. Throughout the sermon, I was real tired and having a sinking feeling. I don't know why but Pastor Khong's word just kept ringing in my head. Before worship, I told God... You better speak to me. Really, I don't know what God did but every single sentence Ps Khong was like tailor made to how I felt. I just thought there are no reason to procrastinate anymore. I have been letting the opportunities and chances slip so many times already! This time, I really have to go up because I've never felt God spoke to me so personal. It cuts right through my heart. He knows my heart, my fear. When I went forward weeping, the intercessor prayed for me. Even though I wasn't listening to her at all because I was crying. I just felt the Lord telling me that He honors my heart for coming forward, and it is indeed the fear of God that drove me to leave my seat, coming all the way down, feeling so shaken. When I walked down, I could have turned back but I really don't want to run away from the problem anymore. God, He is so merciful! Praise God! :) Getting right with Him is the best decision of my life!

09/03/2013 Things We Do Not Understand

Looking at the amount of deadlines that I have. It's really feel so suppressed. What's worst, I need to plan my birthday. It feels really sucky having to do everything alone and all. Honestly, I kinda regretted saying I want to celebrate. All I really want right now is to lie down on my bed with zero worries. I don't really know how the party will go. Maybe it will sucked. Maybe nobody will turn up. Maybe yeah... I really so kinda regret having say I wanted. Honestly, who would want to celebrate my birthday? Maybe it's my insecurity or the worst fear of what happened last year... this may be the last time I want to celebrate. 

Last year, I just went to the beach and celebrated it alone. Still have to take mrt and bus. Just plain depressing.

This year, I said I wanted to celebrate, but surely is it my own desire or my own selfishness? Seeing so many other people have their 21st birthday parties... it definitely put the pressure on me. Yes, I want everyone to be happy for me on that particular day, like I'm finally 21. But deep down, what I'm feeling is this scary feeling. Most of the time, I feel no one appreciates my presence, like it doesn't make a difference. Maybe even if I'm gone, life goes on for everyone. Actually, I'm so insecure. I'm so afraid like if the number of turn ups sucks. I'm so scared that I'm a bad host. I'm really not that important to people, and thus they won't turn up. I worry too much, but it's true. Maybe it will be a failure. Maybe I'm really a nobody. Sometimes, no matter how hard I've tried, I really wonder if I had made an impact on someone else's life. I don't really know who I am to people around me. Do they really know me? I always got a feeling that I'm the second choice. Anytime, I may be kicked out of places. I'm not funny, entertaining, pretty, clever... Well, shouldn't be bothering about all these at this timing but yes... I'm feeling so dejected. I've never had a birthday party, not really expecting anyone should do anything. But it feels nothing like having to plan all these and thinking nobody will turn up! I'm just probably thinking too much! 

I really should worry about my deadlines.