Looking at the amount of deadlines that I have. It's really feel so suppressed. What's worst, I need to plan my birthday. It feels really sucky having to do everything alone and all. Honestly, I kinda regretted saying I want to celebrate. All I really want right now is to lie down on my bed with zero worries. I don't really know how the party will go. Maybe it will sucked. Maybe nobody will turn up. Maybe yeah... I really so kinda regret having say I wanted. Honestly, who would want to celebrate my birthday? Maybe it's my insecurity or the worst fear of what happened last year... this may be the last time I want to celebrate.
Last year, I just went to the beach and celebrated it alone. Still have to take mrt and bus. Just plain depressing.
This year, I said I wanted to celebrate, but surely is it my own desire or my own selfishness? Seeing so many other people have their 21st birthday parties... it definitely put the pressure on me. Yes, I want everyone to be happy for me on that particular day, like I'm finally 21. But deep down, what I'm feeling is this scary feeling. Most of the time, I feel no one appreciates my presence, like it doesn't make a difference. Maybe even if I'm gone, life goes on for everyone. Actually, I'm so insecure. I'm so afraid like if the number of turn ups sucks. I'm so scared that I'm a bad host. I'm really not that important to people, and thus they won't turn up. I worry too much, but it's true. Maybe it will be a failure. Maybe I'm really a nobody. Sometimes, no matter how hard I've tried, I really wonder if I had made an impact on someone else's life. I don't really know who I am to people around me. Do they really know me? I always got a feeling that I'm the second choice. Anytime, I may be kicked out of places. I'm not funny, entertaining, pretty, clever... Well, shouldn't be bothering about all these at this timing but yes... I'm feeling so dejected. I've never had a birthday party, not really expecting anyone should do anything. But it feels nothing like having to plan all these and thinking nobody will turn up! I'm just probably thinking too much!
I really should worry about my deadlines.
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