9/03/2012 And it all starts with a fear of God...

Recent posts might feel extremely religious, but indeed, Jesus is the reason why I am alive. His grace is really more than what I deserve. Today, I was really touched by the God's harsh words. Whoever He loves, He disciplines. Receiving forgiveness for sin is really letting light into your life, and not allow the devil to have a foothold in your life. I finally felt a sense of relief. Nothing to hide, nothing to be ashamed of because when I confess, I am healed. Recently, I have been hearing God's presence in my life. So many little things, yet He just blesses me. I really need to start obeying His words, even though they sound seemingly ridiculous. Yes! The great immeasurable power that He has given us! Actually I was feeling really down having to run late, and getting drenched by the rain. This planning of TGIF really wears me down, and I'm really unsure if the teens were understanding what I say. Sometimes, I do feel like they are just fooling around, like really not paying attention. After all, they are teens right? How serious am I when I was like 15? Anyway, coming back... I was really crying and feeling depressed about every single stress and how overwhelmed by the work and deadlines I have to submit. Throughout the sermon, I was real tired and having a sinking feeling. I don't know why but Pastor Khong's word just kept ringing in my head. Before worship, I told God... You better speak to me. Really, I don't know what God did but every single sentence Ps Khong was like tailor made to how I felt. I just thought there are no reason to procrastinate anymore. I have been letting the opportunities and chances slip so many times already! This time, I really have to go up because I've never felt God spoke to me so personal. It cuts right through my heart. He knows my heart, my fear. When I went forward weeping, the intercessor prayed for me. Even though I wasn't listening to her at all because I was crying. I just felt the Lord telling me that He honors my heart for coming forward, and it is indeed the fear of God that drove me to leave my seat, coming all the way down, feeling so shaken. When I walked down, I could have turned back but I really don't want to run away from the problem anymore. God, He is so merciful! Praise God! :) Getting right with Him is the best decision of my life!

09/03/2013 Things We Do Not Understand

Looking at the amount of deadlines that I have. It's really feel so suppressed. What's worst, I need to plan my birthday. It feels really sucky having to do everything alone and all. Honestly, I kinda regretted saying I want to celebrate. All I really want right now is to lie down on my bed with zero worries. I don't really know how the party will go. Maybe it will sucked. Maybe nobody will turn up. Maybe yeah... I really so kinda regret having say I wanted. Honestly, who would want to celebrate my birthday? Maybe it's my insecurity or the worst fear of what happened last year... this may be the last time I want to celebrate. 

Last year, I just went to the beach and celebrated it alone. Still have to take mrt and bus. Just plain depressing.

This year, I said I wanted to celebrate, but surely is it my own desire or my own selfishness? Seeing so many other people have their 21st birthday parties... it definitely put the pressure on me. Yes, I want everyone to be happy for me on that particular day, like I'm finally 21. But deep down, what I'm feeling is this scary feeling. Most of the time, I feel no one appreciates my presence, like it doesn't make a difference. Maybe even if I'm gone, life goes on for everyone. Actually, I'm so insecure. I'm so afraid like if the number of turn ups sucks. I'm so scared that I'm a bad host. I'm really not that important to people, and thus they won't turn up. I worry too much, but it's true. Maybe it will be a failure. Maybe I'm really a nobody. Sometimes, no matter how hard I've tried, I really wonder if I had made an impact on someone else's life. I don't really know who I am to people around me. Do they really know me? I always got a feeling that I'm the second choice. Anytime, I may be kicked out of places. I'm not funny, entertaining, pretty, clever... Well, shouldn't be bothering about all these at this timing but yes... I'm feeling so dejected. I've never had a birthday party, not really expecting anyone should do anything. But it feels nothing like having to plan all these and thinking nobody will turn up! I'm just probably thinking too much! 

I really should worry about my deadlines.

25/02/2013 我心中尚未崩壞的地方

时间真的不留人。好残酷，好无情。这几天，我好懒惰。真的有点讨厌自己，也不明白到底是这么了。希望都跑到哪里去了？刚开始的期待都像被毁灭的烟熏，升到未知的地方，也许上帝能收到。也许吧。。。 很多事情都没有答案，也没有结果。最近，我开始听着五月天刚出道的作品。听着听着，不禁的流了眼泪。歌真的能带出一个人的情感，胜过一切言语所能表达。那种莫名的感动，莫名的冲动。他们的歌曲陪着我过不同的季节。突然好期待六月的演唱会！我想到十四岁的我，即黑暗又充满希望。。。每当我对人生感到失望的时候，都有五月天的歌陪着我。亲爱的上帝，请让我回归当初的单纯信仰，对人生和爱情的执著。那时的我，一点也不认输，比现在的我更勇敢，更不怕跌得头破血流。我想十四岁的我会对现状的自己感到自卑难过失望。当初勇敢的我，跑到哪里？现在的我，会为了芝麻禄豆的小事而难过，会去担心旁人的眼光，不断地去满足别人对我的期望。

我？

在哪里？

这世界，又有没有我的容身之处？

Really upset right now.

This random post @ 1.36am. I'm so depressed & upset right now. Like I can't get anything right. I'm so lazy and I haven't been studying. I'm worried for my 21st. I'm worried for upcoming projects. I'm worried for upcoming test. I'm worried for anything on earth right now.

好难过 很多时候不是说了就算。此刻的我像被包围，捆住，无法逃脱。越是针扎，越是不能呼吸。很多事不是没有想法，而是把感情付出得太多才会受伤。心里纠结的痛，放在心里的话，又能和谁说。只好默默接受一切的发展。越大越挑剔，让我死掉算了。结束一切也许是自由的开始，从新再来，从新相信。常常想着是否有个人会那样想起我，想要知道我境况的人。我想应该没有吧。我好难过... 我真的好难过。 难过到想死，却死不了。没有勇气去面对死亡。

19/02/2013 One month away...

So it's exactly one month away from my 21st birthday! Seeing so many friends having parties and all. I'm starting to get a little worried for myself. I certainly do not want some rah rah parties. I want to save the hassle of entertaining so many people, and cleaning up the mess afterwards. I don't have a lot of friends to start with. Prolly gonna celebrate it with just a few close friends! Aww... I'm so stuck!

I feel so lazy to update on my life. :'(

01/02/2013 Are You Wasting Time?

It's been a month since the start of 2013! Honestly, it felt like I was planning for my year and right now everything just rush right in! God has been great. He always is! This year, just want to be thankful for all that He has provided! It's indeed God's Grace that I'm here today. Was just planning how I wanted this post to be structured like but I just stumbled upon our church website and was deeply blessed by so many great testimonies and not forgetting my last year trip to East Timor. Suddenly, I was reminded of God's goodness and providence for everyone. A gush of memories just flowed through my mind. The simplicity and simple faith in trusting God's providence is so simple yet so amazing. Nobody could every comprehend that beautiful plan He has for us.

Just this evening, I was feeling really stressed up and vexed over my general biology lab. Coming from a arts background, it's terrible. Even though I took O level biology, it doesn't seemed to aid me in my poor lab performance. I went back feeling dejected and all, thinking maybe I should really drop this module and all. Being both mentally and physically stressed, I went back feeling even more worthless and stupid that I wasn't able to solve such simple questions. All this are so every ready to potentially trigger my you-are-such-a-loser thing in me. Spiraling into you are such a loser in NUS, who cannot do anything, who fails in everything who ...

Yet, God just showed me how it was so easy to be satisfied in Him. Constantly trying to fulfill the world's standard of success, forgetting how His promises are so true and real. When I close my eyes, I can still feel the breeze of East Timor, the smiles of the children, the breathtaking views, innocence of the people. It's like heaven. People may be stripped of all materials possessions but they gain so much in return. Not promoting that ignorance is bliss, but just the pure form of humanity is so touching. How much can one actually say they are so not caught up with life and being distracted from million stuff? I believe that the people at East Timor are really at their purest, and honestly, that form of happiness cannot ever be found in anyone of us in Singapore.

Maybe indeed, it is hard to comprehend such pure form of happiness when we are here, but what we can do is to learn that no matter how terrible your situation may be... God is ever so lasting. I just see how He provides enough for the people there, and I want them to be applicable in my life here in Singapore. It may be true that I'm not adequate enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough, not optimistic enough and all, but God still loves me as much as He love the rest. He has given me more than I have asked for, and there isn't a day I go off without wanting to lose this precious salvation I have.


Thought for the month:
1. I was led to believe that something must be done. Spreading God's love is now on my priority because there is not much time left. I do not want to go off knowing that all my friends and families have been saved. This means being more proactive in daily devotions, praying for friends, and connecting with them genuinely!

2. This month honestly felt like a bullet train. I'm 21 sooooooon. It does scare me how time flies without waiting and each moment, I wonder if I had done enough to live the day to the fullest. Other than studying really hard, I want to learn to stay true to my own calling. No losing of God's vision for me.

3. Compassion for the lost. Recently, I have been praying, asking, seeking the Lord to give me a new compassion. Don't really know why but it feels quite like I'm losing the hope and love for the oppressed, lost and poor. Believing God for a new heart to love again.

4. Thoughts for baptism.

27/01/2013 God, let my Heart focus on You alone.

Just these few days, I don't know why but my heart got pretty carried away! Honestly, I know it's me thinking too much... Maybe I've not relied on God wholly with my heart that's why my emotions swayed so far and away. God! Bring me back to my First love! Help me understand your purpose and mould me into someone You want me to be before moving out to the next stage of life.

21/01/2013 Grace. Me. God

No waves in life are too hard for us, because God made the ocean. 

Such a breathtaking quote! Right now, I'm feeling honestly, humanly speaking, drained out. I have been engaging in too much social events. I feel guilty that I'm not even standing enough time with God, speaking and seeking Him. But through all these, I really want to thank Him for every opportunities to bless people lives and even being able to pray and care for those around me. God, teach me to be braver each day. Give me your guidance to step out of my comfort zone to meet new people, to handle new situations. I want to believe something great has been in stored for my life.

Short Summary so 3 years down the road I would remember what I did:
1. Meetup with Joe for discipleship group! It was a great time, there's always new revelations from the bible! Holy Spirit is my guidance!

2. Jersey Boys with the Bestfriend! :)

3. Virgin K-Outing with Mayvin & Peggie! My dearest NUS friends! It's really hard to find great friends in NUS. Treasuring them a lot!

4. Meeting with my Wanxin!<3 even though it was a short one! Hope I catch up more with you next time!

5. Yums! Had a great dinner with Yvonne and Qiuru! Thanks for the treat! :) Thank God for blessing me with such a great leader! Other than that I'm being treated a lot... I'm really being blessed by them in many ways! They have taught me a lot and cared for me despite their busy schedules! Count your blessings!

6. Supper with the original cell! :) Great catch up with all of you! Flying kisses!



































7. Malaysia with the family! Ok.... 3/5 of the family! Blessed with this short getaway! Flea before the outing! Well! wasn't fruitful at all! ;'( Seriously, it's time for me to get serious with all these school work and to mug hard in school. It's real boring and all but really... God grant me the passion and love for these modules! Let me look at them from a godly perspective, and to have more discipline in my life to make time for You! Never one day, I wanna pass by without praising and being grateful for everything that I have. All these are God-given and I am so abundantly provided for!


P.S: Pardon me for all the low quality photos! All from my iphone camera! Was so lazy to take nice photos!

16/01/2013 So far...

Day 3 of school! So far, so good! The Lord has been great to me! So thankful for all the friends around me! Didn't know any of them beforehand, but it's indeed a blessing to know all of you! :) God has been speaking so faithfully to me... And I have been claiming and trusting in His promises! Even though I have been well pretty lazy these few days... Must really try to get into the mood of studying! We... Just wanna thank God for His grace and mercy for letting me through all these.

08/01/2013

Studying in NUS is so gross. I'm so grossed out by every single thing.