16/03/2012 Breaking Dawn

I'm finally done with project. Seriously, I don't know how it really feels like to be nice? We constantly have to put smiley into our conversations and sometimes when it's wrong or right or rude or courteous, it all sounded seriously wrong when it is being whatsapped! I guess we just need to learn our lesson, get over it.


Le Tired! 


I'm so tired these few days! Have been facing my mid-terms and finishing up projects! I'm really really really tired! Yesterday, I think I fell asleep without bathing! I don't mean to, but I just couldn't control! 


Well, I'm pretty worried about my future! Maybe, I should start investing right now? I'm still researching! Don't worry! I don't think I'm a dumb girl, but sometimes, I do think I'm somewhat too nice! Like if people ever ask me, I will give them but most of the time, I will hesitate first! Not smart, but wary. Trust Issues. I never tell people my most inner feelings ever! I just hide them real real well! Like 99.9% of the time, I don't tell the truth. Sounds really evil, but I really find it hard to open up ever since I don't know when. Guess it's really time to work out the issues in my life! I have been in agony for so long. And worst, I start to distance from people I used to love a lot. 

A very shameless photo.

How do you sustain a feeling? How do you make someone fall for you? Are they all within God plan? Did God choose to plant a non-christian so that we can surrender for a better guy to come? Is sweet talk and actions enough to serenade and win God's love for us? I don't know. I honestly have no idea. When I heard all my cell members having a boyfriend, keeping them in secret, moving away from church... I'm upset. Most of the time, for the wrong reason. I start to self-pity. I asked myself, God, why didn't you also put one guy in my life, test me! Test my patience, test my faith, test my trust, test my ... etc... ! I want God to tempt me! Which is wrong! Bible told us do not even try to tempt God! It's the evil that tempts us. I know self-worth is in God. Most of the time, I'm so insecure! I worry for myself! I will be like," I think I'm quite good-looking? Like a bit more than average? Why that girl also can get boyfriend? Why not me? #FOREVERALONE" and the cycle goes viral! I'll start thinking of someone in my past, thinking why we didn't workout... thinking why we didn't last... thinking what happened... thinking the possibility of meeting... thinking the possibility of being back...thinking the possibility of being back together... thinking the possibility of being back together and having fun... and there goes my mind round the globe. It's like a trap cycle which we can never escape at all! Honestly, I'm more than jealous of them. I know it's a bad thought and all, but I can't help. That fluttery feeling you get when someone praise you, and all of a sudden, you become someone in someone's eyes. I'd never felt important to anyone before. And once you get the same attention back, it's poof! Like an endless time bomb ticking in your heart. It won't stop ticking, just get softer... and when someone mentions something... it goes louder, reminding you of that past you had! Once again, I'm sad over this issue, but don't worry, I won't text him. Lost that number already. Best way of all time! Don't you hope someone loves you, so at least you can feel of value? I know it's a socialization of the media, but I can't help being socialized by the idea of it! Till then, I'm confused, jealous, sad, and a bit upset to know I'm 20 and single. ( If you can feel or empathy with me, congrats, we're in the single league.)