23/07/2012 Snapshots of my Life.

23/07/2012 Coming To a Start or an End

My holidays are about to end. Frankly, this is the utter most fruitlessness month. I'm constantly lazing around like a couch potato. It's getting bored & meaningless. Every now and then, I remind myself to be happy. I really don't want all these time to pass like that. I'm so weak in my spirit. If it's all in the thought, I am going to change it. I am going to make it change. It has been some time since I let it all out. I have been upset about how lifeless my uni life is going to get. It's a constant downhill for me. I struggled so hard in year 1. I honestly can't wait for it to end. :( I feel exceptionally sad that I'm missing out on all these, and I have no idea why! Everyone seemed to be doing well except me? Is there something wrong with me? I really need to change. Or maybe I was meant to be like this? I am clueless. Actually I feel super disappointed that I did not participate in any camps. Not that I am a total camp-lover or what... but it felt like a missing part of uni life, no? Taking the fact that I am such a clueless person... who missed out all dates, and forgot to submit my financial forms and etc... administration crap. I really have no idea what is happening around campus, all I know is Central Library is a great hideout to avoid crowds. I didn't know what to expect from university! Nobody told me anything! I didn't know staying in hall was a great thing to do(or maybe not.) I honestly wonder how it feels to be enthusiastic in all these crappy stuff which people label as fun. Suddenly, ignorance doesn't seemed great anymore. Forget it. University is just crap. 

We cannot take away what doesn't belong to us. 

13/07/2012 Meaningless Search

Throughout my entire life as an inquisitive young girl, I've always loved to ask why questions. On the surface, I might look as though I'm ignorant, or seemed mindless about life philosophy. As I grew older, or rather into my adolescence years, I've always wanted and yearn to fill the answer for  the existence of human. ( Purpose of Living ) Answers do not come easy. After futile search and well, Google-ing, still I'm left with no answer.

When I was 13, I asked myself, what do I want? I explored different options, but without any opinions of my own. I headed to CCA which I did not enjoy, and which I joined because I wanted to impress someone I thought I liked. ( Shall Totally skip that. ) Friends? Maybe. It was at that point of my life, I realised I could perhaps start afresh... Well, I was so wrong. Precisely at 13, our characters and all weren't even definite and we are so fickle-minded, exploring our own identities that we made several wrong friendships, and misunderstandings. There are no one to blame. ( Fingers pointing to hormones. ) I guess my 13 was nowhere that great, and 90% of the time, I was either asking myself senseless questions, worrying about my homework, or which fast food chain to fill my empty stomach after school. 

When I was 14, I learned the hard way. Friends are important, and without them, you might go through things alone, and it is something very very miserable. But still, things have to be different. You got to make a choice for yourself in deciding what you really like and want. All I can remember is, I had a great time hanging out with the right accompany yet not neglecting my studies. I don't know what came over me, but I was kind of into the right mode to study. I did do well, not exceptionally but reasonably. 

When I was 15, hormones did kick right hard in. I wouldn't say I am very much in love but yes hit that spot. 85% of the time, I was either texting, and worrying about how the other person might feel and how he thinks of me and blah blah blah. Studies came in at second. I couldn't care less of how I might do and etc... so I did badly. Because I didn't really liked how demoralizing my results are, all I could do was to let it be. I grumbled, complained, lamented. I blamed it on my parents, my friends, my school, my teachers, the MOE, Singapore,... basically the universe. ( Determinism comes into place. ) But, deep down, I really wanted to grasp what is the real meaning of life. I started to read books on how and why we are on this earth for. I think I also gave my life to Jesus. Actually, I don't know why... it's just the lights, the lyrics, the words, the weird but peace I received when I raised my hands. I'm not even that kind of person that will lift my hands up to answer questions in class. Why did I lift my hands up in expo? Hmm.

When I was 16, naive but thank God, I was on the right track. I was more into studies though still entangled between love. Phew, I did fairly well for my Os, good enough to enter a decent JC. However, I am still not entirely convinced about my soul search for life answers. I did not stop. Being a newly-born Christian, I wouldn't say I was very faithful, neither did I comprehend the full meaning of how Jesus died on the cross and etc... I wasn't even prepared for what I signed up for. I only prayed to God for basic and worldly desires, like passing my Chemistry and Physics exams, which He did make it all come true.

When I turned 17/18, I totally hit the rock bottom of my life( I thought I were until 2 years later...) Life was horrendous! All I could remember or could sum up my life in 3 words. EAT. SLEEP. STUDY. To be honest, life wasn't that great nor fun ( at least for me.) Everyone seemed to had a blast in JC, while all I could remember was me sobbing hard like a 5 year old kid because I couldn't finish/solve my chemistry/maths/chineselit. Really Ridiculous when I look back. but He was faithful. Even though I could barely pass all my test/exams/eoy or whatever, I managed to attain a satisfying result.

When I turned 19... my life-searching process begins. I was really lost, confused. I need to make a critical decision which will determine where my life will be 10years down the road. ( I doubt it will be.) It wasn't a tough one. But it wasn't easy... in this short 365 days, I made at least a few transition. Passing my driving license, working at Fei Yue, entering into university. All these life changes really made me think through what I wanted. God was close to me. However, university was like riding a plane through a turbulent. I struggled a lot with my emotions, with friends, with self-esteem, with beliefs, with basically everything under the sun. Worst of all, it begin to rock the foundation of my faith. To begin with, I started out as a young believer, I was under another faith in the past(wouldn't consider it something very serious since I was ignorant & followed my parents' footsteps.) I begin to ponder about the foundation, the origin, tackle myself with questions that have no answers. From the big bang to how human was formed, I wanted to know about everything and anything! Still, something in me wasn't much yet been satisfied.

Science alone is not convincing. How did religion come about? I begin thinking a lot. I read books on the meaning of life, purpose of life, secrets of life and the list goes on...but still an empty void in me has not been fulfilled. Sometimes, the existence of men really intrigues me. All the emotions, the thoughts, the actions, the behaviours, the habits, the mind, the brain... and basically our whole entity just baffle me. Each of us have our own individuality, yet we chase for the same things. We aren't satisfied with what we are. Maybe some are, but the majority are so caught up in life, pursuing things we could never bring with us when we die and worrying about things that might not happen. Sometimes, I ask myself, what do I really want? Why I constantly compare and feel dissatisfied? Is there something more in me? What am I here for? And maybe, only God could answer.

07/07/2012 Let this be my anthem

Holy fire, come burn in my heart.
To love the nations that have fallen apart.
With compassion, igniting a spark
To bring forth the love of God
Let me see through Jesus' eyes
Let me feel how he would feel
Let me love as he loved,
and give as he gave
O Lord make me more like you

21/06/2012 Tired, Exhausted.

I'm finally back from Timor Leste! It was a new and different experience. It's really something enriching and truly amazing. Never thought I would fall in love with Timor... even though it's not advanced or whatsoever, something in me is just attracted to the place. Right now, I'm having a hungover. I don't know why... I came back to Singapore, so eager to share my experience with my family, but instead I felt more obliged that I am truly undeserving, it seemed like all the time, I am trying so hard. Came back just to feel a sense of negative spirit in the family. My parents started quarrelling before I saw them, and it seemed they are so uninterested and distracted. I don't know what's happening, it's like either it's me who is really exhausted from all the travelling or the devil's attack. I was so ready to bring back the love I felt, then my mother started badmouthing people, and my dad disapproving me of going East Timor despite I've already reached home. Upon home, discovered my spectacles were left back there... & my sister kept on saying discouraging words. I don't know... I just want to spend some time alone. Really. I'm tired & exhausted, and it felt like I cannot go on any more.

Day 2: Timor Leste

Our breakfast was great & here goes our 4-7 hours car road trip! God bless us!

Day 1 Timor Leste

14/06/2012 Going Timor.

I'm honestly tired and weary from all the camps. Don't even have time to prepare and all. But I really do hope God will prepare my heart for the trip! I don't know how I should prepare, but I really hope for a heart of humility, and that He will bless me to see miracles in life and to pray constantly for others.

03/06/2012